Dear Kendra,

I'm sorry for the position that you're in with your Dad. It's hard and it's going to get harder for the forseeable future, but you have to hang in there and try your best to be strong. When cancer strikes, it doesn't only affect the patient, it also affects the caregivers and loved ones who support the patient. I have been my Aunt's cancer buddy for the last three and half years, and along the way, I've learned some very valuable lessons through my Aunt's experience with this disease and from the fine people on this board who you'll undoubtably be hearing from soon.

The most important thing is what Tim commented on above. Make sure, be pushy if you have to, that your Dad is treated at a facility that deals only with cancer. Regular hospitals just won't do it in this case. ALWAYS get a second opinion and a third if you're not happy and comfortable with the second doctor's opinions and plan of attack.
Really important, DO NOT ALLOW your Dad to make compromises planning his care or during his care. My Aunt's doctors made the awful mistake of cowering to her demands and she's suffering for it. Yes, there are choices to be made for base of the tongue cancer, traditionally it's either surgery followed by radiation -or- radiation with concurrent chemotherapy. People from this board will add their comments (I'm hoping) as to the succees of either of their choices in their particular case. My Aunt foolishly choose surgery WITHOUT radiation to follow. That mistake is costing her her life. NO COMPROMISES. He does have the right to choose one treatment plan over the other, but please do not allow to skip portions of that treatment plan.

My Aunt smoked before and after her surgery. The worse her prognosis got, the more she smoked.
The good folks here might correct me on this statistic, but I remember reading in this board's posts that continuing to smoke post treatment will increase a patient's risk of recurrence to 80%. I know that quitting smoking is a hard thing to do, but it's something he HAS to do to survive this in the long run.

And for you..... you must do what you're heart tells you to do. Instead of talking about what you should do, I'll talk about myself. I promised my Aunt, one of my favorite people in the world, that I would be there for her every step of the way. We talked for literally hundreds of hours throughout this ordeal. I found solice in prayer. I spent quiet time alone to regain my emotional strength and my composure.
I kept myself informed and up to date so I could contribute by answering her questions factually and intelligently. I was strong, compassionate and positive thinking when speaking to her or in her presence. I felt scared from time to time when alone, but I NEVER let her see that. What gave my Aunt courage (at times) was my promise to her to walk this journey with her "no matter what". It's been hard, damned damned hard but reassuring patients that they are not alone can make a big difference. This is a win-able battle but both you and your Dad have to be strong and cooperative.

ALL of these things MAKE A DIFFERENCE. The facility, the not bargaining with the doctors, the quitting smoking.
My Aunt thought she could out run this disease, out smart this disease.......and win. No one can.
This is serious business. My Aunt will be passing into the hands of our Lord soon. You are on square one of the game board right now. Read, research, ask the smart questions, get explanations, talk to patients, talk to doctors, find out--- then, make wisest choice
you can with your Father for his care. Don't waste time, don't wait. Every day, every week counts.

My prayers are with you as you begin this journey with your Dad. Be strong, you CAN do it! Everyone is here for you and at your disposal. If you need to talk privately, write me any time.