An update,

the radiographers in NZ are on a 10 day strike. The hospital went topsy-turvy with the theater rooms and all surgeons had their allocated surgical schedule messed up. As a result our ENT called last Thursday and said to David:" I'm cancelling my clinic next Wednesday and you're in". David who is in the heart of the end of university semester with students presenting their assignments, marking, internships etc... told the ENT "I can't do it, I have too much work" The ENT told him: "if you don't come in next week, I can't garantee the neck dissection will happen before X-mas". David was actually trying to get himself out it, he's soooo sneaky!!
I had to put my foot down and try diplomacy as much as I can and make him realised that he had to go, he couldn't wait. There is never a good time to have cancer!!

He finally came to terms with the surgery. We had many chats over the weekend. I realised how much he is scared this time. One thing that is good is that he can verbalise it. He is not confident. I think that it is also because he is emotionally and physically so drained from the first experience. It was only 6 months ago.

I am scared. I find this reoccurence almost worst then the first diagnosis and I am not sure why. I find it sooooooooo difficult to see David scared and insecure. His emotional and physical suffering is just killing me. He feels guilty to make me and the kids go through this....again. I am lacking words. As much as I tell him: "I could have had cancer myself, maybe I will!!", "No one is to blame", "guilt is something he should chase from his mind", " we got married for the best and the worst", it doesn't appear to be easing his guilt.

The surgery is in 48h. He is at work today and will probably be home around midnight. He is going to work tomorrow morning and will then drive himself to the hospital for his admission at 2pm. I will pick-up the kids from school at 3. Hopefully David will be able to come home to spend the night with us and we will go together at the hospital on Wednesday morning. I have dispatched all the kids at friends for the next few days as we have no family in NZ. I cross my fingers that all will go smoothly.

I HATE CANCER with all my body and soul.

love, Marie-Lyne