I don't know quite how to begin this post. I know that even though I only introduced myself a few days ago, I felt the connection and support that all of you provide instantaneously. And I know that no matter how I try to lead up to what I have to say, it will come as a shock. I don't meant to scare anyone and hope you won't be upset with me for writing this. Still, I feel that I want to tell you all what has happened and I know you will be supportive one more time and after that I will have to find some other place in cyberspace to find comfort in addition to the comfort and support I am, thankfully, getting from all of our friends and family.

This past weekend, Jeff passed away. Yes.

I can tell you all what happened, but I still don't really understand it. He had just been prescribed a pain patch that was to give him 72 hours relief at a time. He used it for the first Thursday night at about 8 p.m. He slept well all night and was still sleeping at about 8 am when the kids left for school.

Some time later I went to check on him and he didn't look right. I tried to rouse him and he didn't respond. I called 911 and tried to follow their instructions re: CPR. The paramedics came and took him to our local ER where he was put on a ventilator. They gave me little reason for hope as he was completely non-responsive. We transferred him to Johns Hopkins the next day but his condition never changed. The people at Hopkins were wonderful, as always, but there was nothing to be done. He passed away on Sunday. My kids and I had time to say goodbye although I don't think he heard us in a physical way, I like to think he heard us with his soul.

I was told that a CAT scan showed multiple strokes. I was told that it was not clear whether the strokes caused him to stop breathing or whether the fact tha the stopped breathing caused the strokes. I was told we would probably never know what happened.

Even as I write all this I feel completely disconnected from it. The phone rings and I'm sure that it's Jeff. Then I remember, but the facts have no meaning. LIke waht has happened does not fit into any frame of reference that I have. But once in a while, it has some meaning, and then I am crushingly sad.

Okay. I've told you and I know this is not a grief chat board so I'm not going to go on and on. I'm sure those exist somewhere. I am not going to continue to haunt you all. I want to wish all of you the best of luck and to say thank you for your support.

Hillary