Daisy, dear, guess what I found out? There's not a word or length limit on this forum! I'll repeat to you what a compassionate poster said to me--don't worry about thinking you're writing too much. That's what this forum is for! This is the safest place I know (besides prayer!) to say what you need to say and ask for help...or not. Venting is necessary to relieve the stress of this unthinkable situation, so go ahead, honey, and make no apologies!

Meanwhile, your attitude is great! I think what you told your husband is exactly what you needed to say. You have a balanced perspective on the end-of-life issues but it's too early in the process for him not to know he's not fighting it alone. If he were in his eighties or nineties with already compromised health, then he might be allowed to not consider pursuing the treatment measures, but only after he found out the extent of the disease and treatment options. As it is, you're right to let him know his life is worth fighting for. You're shaping up to be each other's heroes in this whether you asked to be or not. The selfishness would come if you weren't honest with him about how important he is to you.

This is my third trip. It's not squamous cell so it's behaved very differently. But I can remember thinking during the recovery of my first surgery almost seven years ago (when my boys were 2 and 3 and I was 32) that I wished I were dead instead of going through this. Eventually I was treated for chronic depression. I also remember hearing about someone whose surgery was to be "worse" than my first one and I thought to myself "I wouldn't want to live through that." Well this latest surgery in November was far more extensive than that one and here I am.

You asked what made those of us on the other side want to fight. Well, I'm not on the other side quite yet. I finished my fourth of thirty-three radiation treatments today. I will possibly never regain the ability to eat. I used to be a public speaker and singer, and unless by some miracle they can close my palate, and do some other anatomy alterations I won't sing again. But I've already had three speaking engagements and people just have to listen more carefully. I have alot of fight in me (which is another way of saying I've always been a stubborn, mule-headed little gem) and I'm at peace with where I am in this process. I have much to be thankful for. Why? Among other reasons, I have an incredible support system in my family and church. They did what you're doing. They loved me and wouldn't think of letting me quit. They stayed with me and took care of me and told me all the time what a good job I was doing of getting well. They allowed me to have bad days and reassured and encouraged me constantly. Love heals. And the more of it, the better. Isolation can be dangerous. But I knew every minute that I had too much to live for not to fight to stay alive. You're right that it won't be the last time you have this battle so gear yourself up for respectful, compassionate repetition.

And know you can count on us to be a help and a sounding board for you any time.

Ruth