Tom,
Of course we cancer survivors are all expected by others to feel and live the cliche that since our diagnosis and survival, we cherish each moment that we have left, always smell the flowers, etc., etc. I have found, for better or worse, that life, although somewhat altered, goes on. As I have gotten better and especially since my swallowing has finally improved and life is more normal, I think less about cancer and dying than I used to and consequently, I live life a little more like I did before cancer. My ex-wife now has the freedom to get pissed off at me again and although well-meaning people often ask in very sincere tones, "how are you feeling?", in general noone has to treat me as a precious entity, perceived to soon be leaving this world, as they did 3 years ago.

I used to say that I knew that I had recovered when I started insulting people in the elevators at the courthouse in the morning once again. I had regained my edge. Hey, I get pissed off in traffic and at surly clerks just like in the old days!

I am, of course, not suggesting that we should for a minute forget that mortality lurks over our shoulders. It lurks for everyone but we are certainly more aware of it than most people and odds are that it might be more immediate for us. I often joked, after my diagnosis, "heck, at least this way I won't outlive my money!"
The awareness of our mortality, I believe is a good thing. Zen moments of awareness are always a good thing. However, I also feel that it is inevitable, natural, and probably good, that for those of us lucky enough to recover, life will return to a kind of normalcy where, although we are aware of our mortality, we still at times get caught up in daily life, along with its highs, lows, frustrations and shining moments, just like everyone else. I certainly don't care to work as hard as I used to and if I play hooky from work for a golf game, I can easily rationalize that hey, I might not have that much time left or might not feel this good in the future, so go for it. I too wonder, " will I ever make it to retirement?" I guess that the only answer to all of this for me is that life goes on, and just like I always have done, I will put myself somewhere between the ant and the grasshopper, and try to enjoy life for the moment, while being prepared for the future in case I have one.

There are no real answers to these questions, and everyone reacts differently to diagnosis and recovery, physically and emotionally. As you can probably tell I am not one who has been known for having the most sunny outlook,(although a lot of my cynicism is just my sense of humor), but I was always very stoic about getting cancer, never asking "why me?", because even though I was not a smoker or drinker, "why not me?" made just as much sense. Fortunately,the only time that I was really down was in the period following radiation when I felt so bad and the future looked so bleak.That is when I discovered this wonderful forum. From my viewpoint today the future does not look half bad....or should I say that the glass is half full?!

I agree with Janet...this is a fun and thought provoking thread.

All the best,
Danny G.