Lottie, you are asking the question all survivors and caregivers ask, over and over, is all this worth it? I go through these thoughts periodically and today, my answer is hell no. I am so tired and worn out from being MacGuyver and a one legged man in a poop kicking contest. No matter how much effort I put into all this, I just get back to the same reality that I am only buying some time. I have no treatment options left and I don't have cancer. I now believe I will die cancer free, because of the treatment. It is tough to accept.

Yet, somehow, when I try to grasp the reality of how fragile life is right now for me, I can't. I think of those around me, my wife, my children, all those that have seen the crap this has done to me. Few of my friends even visit and I haven't had family visit for several years. I'm actually relieved, because I was really getting tired of them looking at my withering body with such sadness and tears.

So, we pull ourselves up, dust off and recharge in some way, to prepare for some unknown in the future. It's a crazy way to approach life, I know. No one can answer that question. I am now at a point I can stop what I'm doing and last maybe a month. Lately, I have been thinking that would be the best decision. Just the food cost alone while I have been trying to break this hypermetabolism blows my mind. I could almost buy a car with that amount.

Then, I find a way to recharge and the mind gets back in a place I'm used to. I hope you can find a way to recharge, to get respite from all you've been through. Try not to worry about so many possibilities and focus on the issue that is presented right now. That's all I can offer.

I hate what you guys are going through. I hate all this stuff.