I'm sorry. I re-read my post and realize it is like poisoning this board.

Everyone here has hope and strong positive feelings.

I have really tried. I guess what was keeping me going was the "plan" of surgery first, then 2 months of chemo/radiation back home in SoCal, then a few months recouperating back at the resort so Seth could get back in thr grove after we stayed in SoCal with my family at our 2nd home while I was having the chemo/radiation (&/or Erbitux), etc. for those 2 months.

When that feel apart yesterday when I decided to postponne surgery, I guess reality has started to set in more.

It's not going to be "over" in 2 months..Who was I kidding ? (myself). It won't even be "over" in 6 months, or ever. Until it consumes me.

I am normally an upbeat, positive person. My first partner died of AIDS about 15 years ago. We were together over 5 years and I stayed by his side through it all. It was rough. The last 6 months were in the hospital. I was there every night, and drove 2 hours each way to work.

We fought hard. He eventually had no fight left in him.

I don't wish that experience on anyone, especially Seth, the one I care about more than anyone on earth.

Throughout it all I stayed positive and tried every imaginable treatment. We traveled to SF, LA and NY seeking treatments for his infections and diseases. I spoke to institutes in France, faxed reports to specialists all over the world. Tried experimental treatments (even some early gene therapy experiments), but in the end, none of it mattered.

This just seems so cruel. Forgive my rantings please. I am so desparate for some guidance.