Hi Dianne - I just went through what you're about to; in 1999 I had chemo/rad only, then this past July it showed up in the same spot again (BOT) and I had to have the surgery.

Numb with fear I definitely get, I actually think it's a little bit harder the second time because after so many years you rightly believed that hell was behind you - when you get hit with the news a second time you have a much better grasp of what it means, there's no blissful ignorance. I feel for you.

One thing I can tell you that is a little positive is that the recovery from surgery is different than from the chemo/rad; surgery is a short term beating, then you come out of it and start feeling better. Chemo/rad is a long, drawn out process with lots of bad side effects. The beating from the surgery is tough the first week or so, but the worst is the first 2-3 days, then you start feeling noticeably better each day (but not back to your old self). I was pleasantly surprised by how soon I started feeling normal given what they had done to me. I'm almost 6 months out and back to work and aside from the issues associated with eating/speaking I'm totally back to normal.

Getting back to my family was the number one thing that got me through the surgery. It was incredibly good to get home. Hang on for that moment.