Hi Rare jewel

I too cannot comment on your particular diagnosis but will make a comment on what you are feeling which is common to us all.

Alex was the sufferer (and now the survivor) whilst I was the carer. We both found that the uncertainty of not knowing was the hardest part treatment. Waiting for the very first chemo treatment, waiting for the very first radiation treatment, or waiting for the very first set of results after treatment was pure torment.

Consider this (and forgive me as this is going to sound harsh): You may be inadvertently causing your loved ones more stress by not burdening them. If you are not telling them what you are feeling, then you are possibly denying them the opportunity to help you. Let it be their decision, as they possibly think, just as you do, that not knowing is much worse than knowing - even if it is ugly.

Alex too thought he was doing the right thing by not burdening me with his fears and issues. Alex's motivation was mostly to protect me but it achieved the exact opposite by making me feel left out. His unilateral (and wrong) decision not to burden me was almost the undoing of our relationship as I came to resent his apparent refusal to let me help.

There was also a small niggling fear at the back of Alex's mind that if he laid too much of the crap on my plate, I might run for the hills. Until he was made to understand that leaving me in the dark was way worse than anything else he could dish up, we were headed down a very dark path indeed. Luckily, we DID have it out and things worked out for us.

I guess all I am asking is to please consider how your attempt to protect your loved ones might be perceived.

Now all that said, we all understand how stressful life is for you right now and your first priority is yourself. Even if we can't help you with the details of your diagnosis, there is plenty of practical help and emotional support here.

I personally used this forum as a place to vent as well as a place to get a sense of what needed to be done when I had to go into battle on Alex's behalf. I discovered that the craziness that was going on in our life was normal (or at least common anyway ) which was very reassuring for us both.