I posted a response to a caregiver in another forum concerning her struggle with caring for her partner with SCC H&N cancer. She was having trouble dealing with her partners moods during treatment. She wanted to know if the drugs brought out the "real" person or could change someone.

I've been reading a bit and there are plenty of patients that are stubborn and difficult to deal with (Raising my hand)

I'm copying a bit of my post in that perhaps it will provide some insight as to what's going through their minds.


Changes

Hi CG,

I'm sorry about your situation. Cancer causes collateral damage to many things and people close to the patient.

The answer to your question about pain meds is "yes"... Pain meds as well as other drugs used in treatment can and sometimes do change one's mental and emotional outlook. Having recently finished treatment and recovering, perhaps I can shed some insight by sharing a little bit of what I was personally feeling at times.

Let me say that I was not a happy camper in general for much of the last 6 months. From the time of diagnosis through all the tests and treatments I was pretty much a PITA to deal with. When one loses control of their lives it causes emotional changes that can and do manifest themselves in how we interact. I feel bad for my partner/caregiver for what she had/has to deal with. When I found out I had cancer I was angry! I won't get into all the details but suffice it to say I wasn't happy at all and made it known. She's been absolutely amazing but we both struggled throughout. It wasn't pretty at times for sure.


PAIN: Pain has been the most influential factor in my mood. When you're in pain, sometimes severe pain, all you want is for the pain to stop. Don't talk to me, don't try to comfort me because you can't. It's best to just leave me alone until the meds kick in. I'll let you know if I need help.

SICK: Same thing goes for that. I don�t want you rubbing my back as I vomit. Close the bathroom door and leave me alone. I'll deal with it. Again, I'll let you know if I need help.

HYDRATION AND NOURISHMENT: I know I need to eat and drink. It's been drilled into my head from day one. Please don't talk about food or what I need to eat and drink 2 minutes after I open my eyes. I can't see straight let alone think straight. And don't ask me three times. If I say "no", that's my answer and it's not going to change in 30 seconds. (I had a PEG put in the last day of treatment so much of that issue has been alleviated as I take 99% of my nourishment and hydration through it for now).

DRUGS: Take all the above and throw drugs into the mix. Pain killers, side effects from chemo/rads and for me, steroids. I had a very negative reaction to the steroids I was given to help with nausea. About three weeks in, I began to get what would be best described as "roid rage". Every little thing irritated me beyond reason. The beeping of the machines in the chemo suites, a squeak in my truck, a bug hitting my windshield... yes, crazy I know! They also kept me from sleeping so add lack of sleep to all of the above. I began cursing like a sailor and I don't have a potty mouth! It got to the point that I was hallucinating. I would have my eyes open and be almost in a dream state, hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. I explained to my oncology nurse what was going on and the next thing I know I was meeting with an oncology psychiatrist (which irritated me even more!) She explained to me what was going on and took me off the steroids. It took about a week or so but I got better. Unfortunately, the lack of steroids allowed the nasty chemo and rad symptoms (fatigue etc.) to hit me hard and that just reinforced the general bad mood I was in. It's like a vicious Catch 22. The narcotics definitely altered my mood and still do to a degree. I had bouts of amnesia/short term memory loss. I would forget something sometimes minutes after it happened. There were times I honestly didn't realize the curse words were coming out of my mouth until she said something to me about it.

The days from about the 4th week until a little over a week or so ago have been like a weird and painful dream. It's like a nightmarish version of the movie Groundhog Day. The worst part about all of this is I didn't really connect the dots (the drugs prevented that) and all it did was frustrate me more. Fortunately, although she had every reason to, she didn't put a pillow over my face. I'm very blessed that she loves me as she does. I love her dearly. I can't imagine what she must have been going through watching me change. I know it hurt her to see me dwindle away physically (60 lbs since last fall). It hurt and confused her to have me lash out and be over critical of everything but she hung in there and we're closer having gone through this together. I'm far from healed but we're over the hump and things are looking brighter.

Perhaps your partner is feeling some of the same things. Perhaps what I shared can help you understand why he behaved the way he did, The drugs as well as the entire ordeal of dealing with cancer can change someone. I don't believe it's showing you who they really are. It's what the cancer does to us that you're seeing. He may also be dealing with some level of depression which is very common.


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