Yes, Donna - you have done your best. Wednesday you will see your surgeon and you will take another step on the survival road. You will be doing something to help YOU! Time now to take a really deep breath, thinking only of the breath and how it feels coming in and then blow it out forcefully through your mouth. Do this 10 times, thinking only of the action of the breathing. DON'T let other thoughts crowd your mind. If the dark thoughts do threaten to attack, force them out again! And start over. You deserve some peaceful moments even if for just a few seconds. I am glad you shared this with us. Anything troubling and shared is lessened in its intensity. Just as when good stuff is shared, it is increased in the joy produced. If the above doesn't quite do it, then eat some chocolate or get a shot of brandy. You've already prepared for the worst, now prepare for the best. And please get back to us soon.