I had sent this to a friend who encouraged me to post it on the General Board. I HESITATE to as I fear that the fact that I am still a basket case after almost seven years post first dx is beneath what I expect of myself, and I fear that I will frighten newer members. But, as mentioned - perhaps they need to know that 1) You CAN STILL BE HERE after 7 years and that 2) Survival and continual worry is part of the deal....

The essence of my message was: Well, I am again a basket case. I'm busy planning my last days on earth because I found a lump on my neck - right side. Wierd hard little lump. That, combined with the various issues I have had in my mouth in the last two months have me in full blown "catastrophic thinking". And, yes I know its not cancer till they say it is, etc, etc........and all the other platitudes we use to help other people, my gut is still clenched, my breathing is shallow and fear reigns supreme.

Amazing eh? 7 years of this SHIT. 7 years of fear. And the truly sad thing is I am just as afraid now as I was 7 years ago. I know I should be grateful but right now I'm not grateful for a damned thing.......I'm frightened and grumpy. My family and friends are so done with talking about all these recurrant fears and episodes.

I have called my surgeon CT Monday night, see surgeon on Weds so will have a better idea of what is going on then. I pray for nothing, pray I am a whiny wench for nothing......but somehow I try to prepare myself for the worst. Does that make me a pessimist??

I will keep you all UTD

Donna

Hi Donna

Winter weather always depresses us. But spring is on the way. Take a look at Eric's thread on the Friends forum
somedays
Perhaps a little silliness will help. There's a lot of wisdom in Dr Seuss' Oh! the places You'll Go that applies to you and I
[quote]And when things start to happen, don�t worry. Don�t stew. Just go right along. You�ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You�ll Go!
You�ll be on your way up!
You�ll be seeing great sights!

Except when you don�t.
Because, sometimes, you won�t.
I�m sorry to say so but, sadly, it�s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You�ll be left in a Lurch.
You�ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you�ll be in a Slump.

And when you�re in a Slump, you�re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they�re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right�or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it�s not, I�m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you�ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place�for people just waiting.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That�s not for you!
Somehow you�ll escape all that waiting and staying. You�ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you�ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you�re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you�ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
Except when they don�t. Because, sometimes, they won�t.

I�m afraid that some times you�ll play lonely games too. Games you can�t win �cause you�ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you�ll be quite a lot.

And when you�re alone, there�s a very good chance you�ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won�t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you�ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You�ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You�ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life�s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and � percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you�ll move mountains!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So�get on your way!
[/quote]

My dear friend Donna!!! How I wish I could make all your fears disappear. Im so sorry that you are struggling right now. I wish with all my heart and soul that there is nothing wrong but a troubled minds playing its tricks. Im glad you have posted this. Its not good to keep it all bottled up inside. We get you!!! Every single one of us fellow cancer patients know your fears all too well. Please do not forget how many true friends you have here.

I will keep you in my prayers. Be well!!!!

Donna

Pity you don't live nearer, we could panic together, I'm getting food stuck behind my graft and have a constant sore throat..

Desperately need the MRI scan results..

I wonder when we are 90 will we still be worrying.

Stay strong Lady

Donna,
I am so glad you posted this. We are all here for you. As we talked, I told you I was going to talk with my PA at HBO. I am in the fear game with you again. She looked at the gum area without even a flashlight, and said, "yep, that is an ulcer." We will have the Dr. look at it on Monday" She also said that I may want to see my ENT earlier than March 1st. So not what I wanted to here. I am doing HBO through the weekdn because of missing so much due to a new four letter word called SNOW. That is not longer a good word for me. We had over 30 inches of snow in a week and -28 degree temps. We are not thawing out, thankfully. Oklahoma has never seen this much snow in such a short time.

I also hope it turns out to be nothing Donna.
We all understand how scary it is when we discover something that should and was not there before.
At least if you cannot be frightened and grumpy with family and friends you can be with all your OCF family who are here for you.
Best wishes for a �nothing� on Wednesday but in the meantime a big {{{{hug}}}}
Love
Gabriele

Hi Donna

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying your little lump turns out to be nothing. Cancer sucks..and it sucks big time! I am going through this horrible cycle of fear and anxiety and as my surgery is tomorrow, my grumpiness has accelerated! All I can say is hang in there and know you are supported by so many wonderful people on this forum...God bless.

Liza

Well I studied for my test, had it (CT Scan) and whatever it is, or isn't is what it will be! Does anyone else ever get this wierd "there - I've done my best now I can relax - the die has been cast" type of feeling after they have a CT/PET?

Someone please say yes!! LOL

Donna

Yes, and then the strees until you get the results. UGH

Yes, Donna - you have done your best. Wednesday you will see your surgeon and you will take another step on the survival road. You will be doing something to help YOU! Time now to take a really deep breath, thinking only of the breath and how it feels coming in and then blow it out forcefully through your mouth. Do this 10 times, thinking only of the action of the breathing. DON'T let other thoughts crowd your mind. If the dark thoughts do threaten to attack, force them out again! And start over. You deserve some peaceful moments even if for just a few seconds. I am glad you shared this with us. Anything troubling and shared is lessened in its intensity. Just as when good stuff is shared, it is increased in the joy produced. If the above doesn't quite do it, then eat some chocolate or get a shot of brandy. You've already prepared for the worst, now prepare for the best. And please get back to us soon.

Thinking of you today, Donna - hope everything goes well with your surgeon appointment. Get back to us when you can.
Charm - I love that Dr. Seuss book. I gave it to my son when he graduated from college.

THANK YOU ALL - "Okay" news - "take 2 aspirin and see me in 6-8 weeks" You guys really are life and sanity savers. What would I do without you. The lump is, they believe a lump. Actually this same lump showed up on the last CT and is actually smaller now than it was 4 months ago. The radiologist do their usual dance about "could be tumour but it is smaller...." "no conclusive evidence of metastic disease...". Lord how I hate that statement. Are the radiologists who read these things ever committal about anything or is the entire report on big CYA document? That part drives me nuts.

I probably should feel foolish for worrying but all I feel is relieved!! Surgeon will follow up with appointment in 6-8 weeks.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the end of treatment for my 2nd cancer. 3 years ago today was my last radiation appointment.

On Feb 19th it will be 7 years since my first diagnosis and today I happened to run into my surgeon's nurse from 7 years ago. She was SUCH a caring kind soul and I was very fond of her and sad when she left to go with with clinical trials.

Strange how things happen eh?

From a very tired (up until 4am) but relieved Donna!!

Hugs and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all. I cannot promise I won't be coming to the "support well" again, and I appreciate knowing that that is okay.

Luv ya all

Donna

Donna, I am so happy that everything is alright!!!! Sorry you went thru that awful scare. Congrats on all your milestone anniversaries. You will have many many more of those!!!! (((HUGS)))!!!!

Donna,

What a relief for you. My philosphy is 'prepare for the worst and hope for the best'. Seems to have worked for you. Congratulations on your anniversaries. Time to go out and celebrate.

Take care,
Eileen

OK so more Island time is required now. Leave that ice palace and enjoy the sand!

What great news and what a relief for you. Take David�s advice and come over to the Island for some celebrations.

My shout
{{{{big hug}}}} Gabriele

Donna

Finally! Now I can reassure other posters that indeed "sometimes a lump is just a lump". So see your post will end up comforting newbies not scaring them.
CONGRATULATIONS
I will use this as an excuse to have an extra glass of wine tonight in your honor.
Charm

Yay, Donna!!! So good to read your news. Now that the anvil is off your shoulders, kick up your heels and celebrate. BTW, you come on these boards anytime for any reason. We love you too much to have you go it alone.

What great news, Donna! Now we can all exhale!! Time to do the happy dance! I love that phrase- "Sometimes a lump is just a lump". Yay!

I am so glad to hear your good news. We both got good news this week.

Waiting for my own lumpety lump results and read this thread. GREAT news, Donna. I've just been having a stern talk to myself about coping with the uncertainty and identified 120 % with your words.

And Charm's poem! I haven't read Dr Seuss for years but with a 7 month old grandson about to land in New Zealand, I might get the chance to read it to him soon. If the beggars don't cut more off my tongue:(

And that poem is for everyone. Much love and empathy to all.

Donna,
Know exactly how you feel. Have been going thru this for 14 yrs. usually I can keep my head up and plow right thru, but this time, not so good. I am getting all of these lesions in my mouth. I don't even want to go to the Doc this time. I am so tired of the surgeries and skin graphs and all I just feel like it is enough.
I wish you luck in your choices. Want you to know I will be thinking of you. I am working to get my courage back.
Take care,
Jeananne Marie