[quote]Does anyone else feel this way and have these thoughts? [/quote] I have those thoughts each and every day, even though I have not had it as hard as you. I think it's only natural when things go as wrong as they have for you. I'll spare you the platitudes about being upbeat but trust me, somebody with your moxie would get bye just fine without eating or swallowing at all - just living on a feeding tube.
When those thoughts don't go away, I give in to them for a full half hour - even intensifying them by playing a sad song by Patty Griffin: Rain. I've cried so many times listening to it and I feel much better afterwards here's an excerpt
[quote]Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
...
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain


[/quote]
Keep the Faith brother
Charm