Ilene,
To me what you are feeling is very normal. A side effect of cancer that many don't talk about is paranoia. You can't help but wonder when you get those "twinches" whether it's the cancer or not. But truthfully I think it's simply a matter of cancer patients becoming more aware of their body than "healthy" people.

Of course it is upsetting to you anytime you hear of a death related to the same cancer. As you said, you don't need a constant reminder of what the possibilities may be. But everyone has to deal with this in their own way. And if having a "pity party" occassionally helps you to get through this - party on. You are going through a journey that others cannot understand unless they have been through it.

I greatly admired my husband's way of getting through his journey. Even though he was deemed "terminal" from the day of diagnosis, he acted as though he was going to live forever. And as painful as it was for me knowing that this was not the case, his way of approaching his remaining life left fond memories of him for me.

Hopefully you will wake up today - forget yesterday - and look forward to many tomorrow's. Yes, another warrior has been lost to this disease but you are one of the many survivors and will continue to be so.

Cynthia