THIS ME MOST DAYS. IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 8 MONTHS SINCE MY HUSBANDS LAST RADIATION TREATMENTS. HE HAS CAT SCAN EVERY 2 MONTHS AND DR. VISITS EVERY MOTH. SO FAR ALL THE TESTS HAVE COME BACK OK. HE ALSO HAD SURGERY IN JAN TO REMOVE 2 LYMTH NODES AND SOFT TISSUE SURROUNDING. WE WENT BACK TO WORK IN FEB AND ON THE FIRST DR. VISIT TO THE ONCOLOGIST I REQUESTED THAT HE BE PUT ON WELLBUTRIN XL. IT DID HELP HIM BUT THERE SO MANY DAYS THAT HE SAYS SUCH MEAN THINGS AND DOES THINGS HE WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE. HE WAS ALWAYS SUCH A GENTLE AND CARING MAN. ALL I WANT IS FOR THAT MAN TO COME BACK! WE HAD TO SELL OUR HOME IN LAKE CHARLES, LA ALONG WITH MOST ALL THE THINGS WE OWNED. WE HAVE MOVED IN WITH OUR DAUGHTER FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS. HER HUSBAND IS ONE OF GEORGE'S DOCTORS SO WE ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE THEM.
IS THE MEAN BEHAVIOR GOING TO STAY AROUND? IT SEEMS SOMETIMES LIKE HE THINKS THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD BUT HIM. I HAVE CRIED MORE IN THE PAST 9 MONTHS THAN IN THE 27 YEARS WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED.

Rita,

All of us can handle this cancer thing differently and a lot of us suffer some depression post Tx ranging from very mild to requiring medical intervention which it sounds like to me your husband could use. Aside from the physical side effects that we all cope with, the mental side effects are largely ignored by most doctors. I am sure he is getting regular blood work so I would try and talk him into seeing a mental specialist. If you have to, enlist the council of your son in law and/or daughter. Bottom line he has to know that his treatment towards you will not be tolerated just because he got sick.

Hello Rita and welcome to OCF.

David couldn't have said it better and as I've said on more then one occassion, the job of the caregiver is tough. As a patient, I can't relate to what you must be going through, however I believe I can relate to your husband.

I was wrapped up in who I was and what I did prior to cancer. I was a physically imposing guy that had 5 sick days in my career...and 3 of those I used to go to Vegas. I felt like a superhero waking up everyday, working 70+ hrs per week, coaching my sons wrestling, working out, running and reveling in my poker night every week. Now I'm a limp, skinny, drooling, deformed shell of who I used to be. Mentally and emotionally it's exhausting coping and putting on the "happy" face for my kids and my wife....lately I haven't been strong there as chemically I'm not balanced. All this and I'm a year and 4 months out of radiation/chemo and one year out of my major surgery.

Like you, we lost almost everything, we went from a healthy 6 figure income to 1/3 of that in this past year as my wife lost her job due to the economy right after I went down. What that did to me mentally was devastating...going from superman to disability and not the provider or even self sufficient.

Sorry for the long winded response but the short version is he needs help coping with what he's lost. A book that helped me was Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning" (you can order from Amazon through the OCF link and that will give OCF 4%) in which I read a quote from Nietzche that I live by now..."He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how"." Also somebody for him to talk to or someone to relate to. I have a friend of mine that I grew up with and he was a Police Officer before he became a quadriplegic...I talk to him daily and see his challenges and it helps me cope with my own.

My heart goes out to you Rita, my wife has had to be my strength now for over a year and a half and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't count myself lucky for her...she's my "why".

Be well

Eric

Hi Rita:

Welcome to OCF. I am so sorry to hear of what you are going thru. Cancer STINKS!!!!! No question about it, its awful. Being a caregiver is not an easy job. Im glad you found OCf so you can get the support you need. We will answer your questions and support you.

One thing that bothered me about your post was how your husband treats you. Im sure it has something to do with your dramatic change of lifestyle. That is alot to bear for anyone. Im so sorry he is takignthis out on you. At his doctors visit maybe the doc can refer him for some counseling and even some mood stabalizing meds.

I do also feel badly about your husband. He must feel like he is alone with his disease and is taking his frustrations out on you. Poor thing cant see the whole picture that being sick wasnt something he could have controlled. What he can control is being mean, there isnt a need for being mean.

It would be a great idea for him to join OCF and see that he isnt alone. There are so many survivors who can help him. Since he has finished treatments, he could help others too. It would make him feel more purposeful. Since you live with one of his doctors, maybe thats how it could be suggested to join OCF. Just a few ideas to get him here. There may also be some live support groups in yoru area. Check at the treatment center.

I have been fortunate enough to meet several OCF members in person. Each one is very special to me. The first time I met someone from OCF, I was moved to tears. I felt so much better just meeting someone who really does understand this awful disease.

Take care of yoruself

Tell your hubby to read these posts and especially Christine because she is going to be going thru this garbage trhe 3rd time beginning very soon. =She is one even he should admire as we all do in the forums. She is one tough sweet lady and human being.

Welcome to OCF. Sorry you had to join us under the circumstances. I am glad you found us. This is a great place of support and comfort. Rant and rave if you need to. We have all needed to rant and rave some. I still do sometimes. I agree with Jim, Christine is one tough cookie, but everyone on this board is tough. You have to be to go through this stuff. Jim is amazing too. Full of encouragement as well.

It's hard and emotionally draining for everyone to some degree. I remember being involved with an OC awareness walk and when we all met (I suppose it was about 10 to 12 people maybe more) all affected with OC in some way, and, when we all introduced ourselves my sister started to cry...that was a very surreal moment for everyone...I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the room!

It's hard...when I'm at work I don't think about it...when I'm in the backyard and keeping Manny (my pup) away from the rabbit nest I don't think about it...when I'm going for my walk I don't think about it...For the most part I don't think about it...Once in a while I think about it coming back but not often...Stay strong and keep busy.

Btw, I have no idea how to keep Manny from these baby bunnies...After all, Manny's breeds' natural prey are iguanas and rabbits...Oh boy!!

Hang tough!!...It could be worse...we all could be baby bunnies in my backyard!! The odds are not in there favor!!

Hi Rita,

As caregiver to my hubby, T, it's been surreal. He has always been the toughest person that I have even known, and seeing him go through everything that he did, losing the weight, sitting on the sofa for a solid 8 months not talking to me except to complain that the "food" that I made was "euchy", refusing to take another can of Nutrin 1.5, or refusing to take his meds--it was--surreal. T also, was "mean" but I was tough, because I knew I had to be, for I am a softy. He was calling me "the Nazi nurse"...LOL, I'm not even German!!! Really, call him out on his crappy attitude. I did this regularly and it was one of the hardest things that I have ever done because that is NOT me. But after all the tx was done, he thanked me and we cried.

I also, found that bringing something in that gives him unparalled joy into the picture, removed him from his intensity. At first I thought that it would be a strain on him, but it worked, for he fought to get stronger, to smile, to feel better and for him, that was watching my new grandson. Let me tell you, he was never the attentive father, in fact, quite the opposite, but the grandson did the trick. So my daughter brought him over regularly and the change in him was the ticket.

He also, found that watching the food network helped him to stimulate his need to taste anything, and to taste new foods. Believe me, I am a fabulous cook (sorry, I had to pat myself on the back) and that is all he could think about... How much he missed everything good that I made. So gradually, I began to add some of his favorite recipes back into his meals, even if I had to alter them to make them saucier, which I am still doing.

I was told by his team from the beginning that it was up to me to get him through this, and I hate to tell you, but you are the backbone of the family, the marriage, and the healing process. Be strong and don't let him get you down. Go outside and take a walk and scream to the top of your lungs, cry alone, and never let him see you sweat. Oh baby, it's hard...I know, we have been married for 26 years and how do you change your constitution when all he has ever known is what he is used to seeing? I did it and so can you. If he sees that you are tough and you tell him that this is your cancer too, he will gradually understand that he has to move up to the plate and hit that ball into the grandstand!!

Good luck and God bless you.

The main thing in the being mean dept is that most of us have pride involved and in no way want to depend on someone else for what we did ourselves and thought nothing of it. It's a mental man thing with your hubby I would bet too. This has to hurt him very much and he knows no other way to express his feelings. One day he will just cease to be the mean guy and be his normal nice guy again. Just wait it out with him. He needs you now more than ever.

rita

Time for your husband to quit his pity party and start acting like a man again. Get your son in law doctor to talk to him, man to man. See if you get his sorry ass off the couch and onto a chair in front of the computer so he can join this forum. We have all been where he is, and it's easy to justify to oneself. The one comforting thing I can tell you is that your husband does not have a clue as to what a shithead he has become and probably truly believes he is acting okay. I was so critical and caustic sometimes that my caregiver wife had to go downstairs to have our rabbit lick away her tears. Let me tell you, that woke me up. Quit babying him and if he acts hurtful, cry in front of him. Or point out what hurtful action he has done. Too bad atlanta is so far or else I'd drive down and put my foot up his self absorbed ass. Enough is enough. This happens all the time with guys who get oral cancer- so much so that it's considered normal. But the sooner he starts focusing on WHY he wants to live and stops asking WHY ME, the better he will get. Time for some tough love in my opinion. I've been there and wish I hadn't.
My sympathy but don't become a martyr. Cancer is not an excuse to quit taking responsibility for one's actions. Finally, the man you knew and loved is still there, just hidden under this frightened little boy persona, lashing out at you when he is really mad at himself for becoming such a shadow of himself. It will get better.
charm