And Rock N Roll

Patty

Hi CArol,

I just finished helping a relative with completing his IMRT two months ago; he had oral tongue cancer.

Unless your daughter has appointed you to be the decision maker for her care, try to approach each discussion with a very very careful plan of only the critical stuff, so as to not overwhelm her. Instead focus on being a person she can trust. AT the same time, I know you will not sleep a wink if you haven't done everything you can to know about her treatment, so do what you can and leave the rest up to god.

After just seeing my father in law go through his treatment in India which included surgery, IMRT and Erbitux, I can tell you that the main thing is during his down time, he needed to find his healing zone, a no stress, no pressure zone in which he was allowed to feel crappy. He eventually got ot a point where he didn't feel like being cheerful for a while. BUt I kept assuring him he would get better, and I was very very blessed to have his trust in my words. I knew more about his condition than he did, and he knew I was dedicated to his treatment, so he trusted me.

This is ironic, but I don't know if I could have handled things so well for my own father, merely because he is my blood, simply handling the emotional aspects of my own father with cancer probably would have zapped me too much to be the strength I was for my father in law. Be kind to yourself and don't ignore your own needs through this. If you have friends and other more distant relatives who can help in any way, now is the time to IMPOSE on them. This is what we are social beings for, is for times like these.

All the best and god bless you and your family,
TAsha

Carol,
What did you find out at the appointment?

Frank,

I tried to summarize in my signature block. As I learn more abbreviations, I'll modify. At this point I don't know how much info is too much or too little. Today, the surgeon told us that some radiation was indicated by the findings. Should start in another 4 wks. She will return in 2 wks. for another follow-up with him. He is referring her to Radiation Oncology. Couldn't sleep so up posting. Feeling my way through this.

Carol

Tasha,
Your post resonated with me on several fronts. My emotions are here, there and everywhere. As little as I know yet, I, too, know more about this than my daughter and son-in-law. She trusts me, but I am not in charge of her situation and am trying very hard to find my place and stay in it. She wants me with them in every meeting, treatment, etc. I am clear about the part of my "job" that is support for her. He is very anxious anyway(IMO)so I have to walk a very fine line in giving input. Neither one of them are reading the type of information that I am. I hope to gradually help her to become more knowledgeable but have to be very careful. I don't think she is ready for a forum like this yet, but I sure am. You folks have already helped me and I am very glad I found you. Thank you so much!

Carol

Carol,
I am near your daughter's age and have wished many times that my mama was here through this, yet feel maybe God spared her ... but times like this we miss them more than ever, that is for sure... I have cried many times, wishing I had her prayers and support when I felt so alone in my fears.

So, as a daughter, thank you for being there for your daughter in whatever manner she can allow you at any given time. I think you will find your role in this will change through the course of time and treatment, so be ready for that... and if she takes her worries and fears and pain out on you, please don't take it personal. As kids we seem to think momma can make everything better ... and sometimes that is just not possible, though we as mother;s want to make it better ...

as far as her hubby - remember he is scared too - and as a man he wants to be able to fix it and this time, he can't ... so this is a new place for him and he will not like it one bit.

i am sure you will find your niche, and will be very helpful to them both. learning a lot can be a lot of help but it can also bring a lot of fear ... so please do not get so absorbed in learning that it is all you think of and in the negative sense... keep a positive stance that she WILL beat this and will do well through treatment.

Rita,

I hope I will eventually be able to reach out and help others on this forum....or anywhere, like you folks are reaching out to me. I got up tonight because I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. My mind was just too stirred up. Already I am feeling connected to you all and that is so comforting. I think I can sleep now. Thank you.

Carol

Carol

Sleeplessness is very common with OC patients and their caregivers. You are a wonderful, loving, caring mom that any girl would love to have around. Its probably pretty tricky trying to find where you fit and and can help her right now. As a mother, we all want to shelter our children. Im sure she appreciates you more than you can see right now. Everyone is scared by this and emotions can run high.

Im positive you will be able to help others here when the time is right. At this point you already know much more than people just starting out. Dont forget, OCF is for caregiver support too. I was the patient, would have loved to have a caregiver but wasnt lucky enough for that. Dont know how I would be as the caregiver, hope Im never in that situation, its not an easy job for anyone.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

Carol
most of my posting was done in the wee small hours while robin was sleeping and i was listening.it is the greatest feeling in the world to think you have a massive network of people who care about you and support you,and best of all you can unload onto without actually have to face.

Its the best and biggest family in the world,and i for one am more grateful than i can ever say that i have been a part of it for the last 2 years,(anniversary next month lol)

liz x

Carol,

My mother-in-law passed away a couple of years ago and my mom lives out of state and is older and couldn't come to be with me in person but I wanted both of my "moms" so many times during my husband's treatment. I think more than anything I just wanted my mom to be there to be strong and wise and to help me and to take care of me and my husband. I wanted my mother-in-law to be there as well but was actually relieved at times that she didn't have to see her son so ill and suffering. Your daughter and son-in-law are so fortunate as you seem both compassionate about what they are going through/how much information they can take in and you are motivated to learn everything you can to be helpful to them. I, too, spent many late nights reading this forum as it felt like a lifeline to know that others understood what my husband and I were going through.

Sophie H.