Hey everyone! I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see so many still on the board sharing their knowledge, love and experience. You guys were here for us "when" and what a miracle I've just witnessed reading some of the posts from the old timers supporting and encouraging the newcomers (sorry we have to meet this way). It's been about 4 years since I've been on the board after my other half (aka Uptown on the board) was diagnosed with Stage IV BOT SCC in July 2003. Thank God Ed is still cancer free but like everyone after treatment (including the caregivers) there's the new normal. You run the gamut on whether it�s a �good� day or not.

I'm freaking out again, this time for me. I humbly ask for prayers as I am about to have a biopsy for a mass in my hypopharnyx this coming Wednesday.

Ed's oncologist is doing it for me and they will be doing a panendoscopy while I'm out to see all of the structures and looking at the soft tissue � not excluding the possibility of multiple biopsies from different areas of concern, mostly to me at this point.

I've had weird stuff over the years: hyperplastic tastebud in 2004, unexplained dizziness and "itching" or gravely feeling deep in my left eustation tube, slight hearing loss in that ear in first felt in March 2008, a benign lesion on the left side of my tongue removed in September 2008 and a constant sense of swallowing pills or "globis" since June 2008. I've explained this to all 5 doctors and have dogged them monthly that it�s not normal and they need to keep looking. I now have this sensation - not unlike when you eat pecans or walnuts - like sand on the floor of my mouth and not unlike the sensation that manifested deep in my ear. I cannot palpate any particular mass but when I look under my tongue the little (I call it a) fat pad under each side of the tongue, the left side, though the same colour it is no longer the same size as the right and is distinctly different than it used to be. Who would know my mouth better than me? I've been hyper-vigilant since July 2003 and have memorized every one of my amalgam tattoos, giant taste buds, lingual tonsils, goofy looking uvula (after tonsillectomy in 1998 just because of strep throat all the time).

Finally, I said the right letter of the alphabet with the laryngoscope in the right place and there appeared this ugly (to me since I wasn't born with it and it doesn't have a name in Grey's) thing. The doctor was sort of relieved that we might have found an explanation to the sensations (and that I might stop bugging him, I suspect � though he has been diligent looking and CT without contrast due to allergy and MRIs that were unremarkable. That was in late November 2008. I went back right before Christmas to see if there was any change or if it went away and it appears it hasn�t changed, but it also didn't go away. We set up surgery as soon as I could, to fit with Ed's work schedule/responsibilities.

It's gotten progressively more uncomfortable and now I'm about to totally "wig". The left side of my chin, between the mandible and the hyoid bone is puffier and my voice is getting gravellier and well, I'm just flat out scared and miffed all at the same time.

Yes, I was a 26 year smoker and after thinking about it, have been tested and am waiting for results from my annual pap to see if I have been exposed to HPV 16/18 (my ex-husband wasn't a faithful one) and how strange that at 33 I had a hysterectomy because they couldn�t get free and clear cervical tissue after 4 surgeries. Knowing what we know now about HPV, the whole thing makes me wonder if I gave my Ed (Uptown) his cancer and if I have it because of the HPV crap.

Yes, I'm just totally unreasonable right now. Breathe...

I�m better. Now that I've spit my fear (however irrational it is), prayers are all I ask for. Healing is good but mostly for the strength to get a grip and get on with whatever it is because logically, it isn't anything until they say so � and I really know this.

Thanks for your support and the safe place to spew.

Glad that you feel better now and certainly hope that you are just experiencing fear and not the cancer. At least you know where to come for the wonderful support and knowledge that the people here have to offer.

Prayers and support for you and will look forward to an update.

Patty

Hello. Ive read many of Eds posts and am familiar with his story. After what he has been thru it should help you.

Waiting for test results or when you think something is wrong can be worse than the test itself. Hang in there and dont let your mind play tricks on you. You know how it works and the more you worry, it just leads from one thing to another. Just remember, time spent worrying is time you cant get back. Try staying busy, it will help pass the time.

Im hoping it turns out to be nothing at all. You know the forum is always here for support. Hang in there!!!!

Hello Darlin' If this was a Bogart movie you'd get a couple of slaps to get you out of it! (don't worry OCF members, Uptown and his Girl are young friends)

Seriously, could this be the first case of sympathetic OC? Alright, you'll get your prayer and I really really really hope this is not what you fear.

Mark! Good to hear from you and gosh, you made me giggle! Sounds like something Danny would have said with the twinkle in his eye, too. Thanks for the slap! Whew, I feel better. You don't have to play it again, I'm good.

I really feel like a retard that I even articulated my fears when there are others that need comfort more than my FEAR. I figured our friends from OCF would help me kick the F(alse)E(vents)A(ppearing)R(eal).

I had the racing thoughts of what "if" when I got home this evening and just couldn't stand it anymore! Forgive the descriptive, I got home and just felt like I had to puke (the evil thoughts).

I half kiddingly told Ed (partly so he wouldn't think I was really afraid) that if it is "it" - we're buying a lottery ticket (or going to Vegas). Our odds would appear to be REALLY good that we'll win BIG. :P

Maybe it's just the holiday. I work at the Cancer Center and the dynamic with patients and families has been intense the past two months. Certainly, no disrespect to anyone but mostly to keep our own "sanity" whenever we begin feeling ill, we each ask what cancer we have this week (we've all turn into hyper-vigilant hypochondriacs). We're determined to beat cancer's ass and beat it hard because we love our cancer warriors and hate the disease; we know their families feel the same. We love our patients and if we/they didn't laugh (and cry) with us we'd be doing them (and us) a huge disservice.

God bless all of you for your love, encouragement, understanding, support, prayers and humour. For sure I'll let you know. In the interim, I've got my eyes on the prize and am determined to go back to work Thursday. I hope doesn't hurt too much so I won't be tempted to keep acting like a wimp and stay home/sleep all day. I feel like I'm getting back to normal (for a second).

I think we should make this acronym a permanent part of the OCF site

F(alse)E(vents)A(ppearing)R(eal

I love it.

Glad to be of service, don't feel bad at all for off-loading.

Say hi to Ed for me!

Prayers asked for and prayers will be sent. Let us know how things turn out.

Donna

I have always heard it another way ...

F - alse
E - vidence
A - ppearing
R - eal

either works

have always loved that one myself, and used it a lot with myself and others ...

Hi Sue,
Good to hear from you but sorry you are having all these symptoms. You are not being a hypochondriac, you need answers as to why these things are happening and you are right to be scared. We all are. Just don't let it take over your life because it won't change the results. You said they are going to do some surgery. What date is that scheduled for? Keep us posted and here's praying that it is something that is easy to fix.

Take care,
Eileen