Here I am, 14 months post treatment, and I really have very little to complain about, all things considered. My neck is perpetually stiff, shoulders hurt, but I am cancer free. So, why do I periodically become a psychological basket case.

Recently, I had to have a follow-up CT Scan of my chest, arising from a lung scan I had a few years ago that showed a few nodules. All of the exams since have shown them slowly disappearing, so I had no objective reason to be concerned, but this time I was a basket case, convinced I had metastasis to the lung. I think part of the reason was that the neck/shoulder stiffness sometimes radiates into the chest, but geez . . . Needless to say, CT came back fine and my regular follow up with MO on Friday was fine as well.

I also seem to be obsessing over small memory lapses I have noticed -- nothing dramatic, just the periodic searching for a name that I have on the tip of my tongue. Again, I am convinced that this is some sign of something dire, though there is nothing objective to support that. I know that Cisplatin can cause this, even long after treatment is over, but my mind searches for more ominous causes.

This has not been a constant phenomenon with me, but periodically it just grabs hold and won't let go, like it has for the past few weeks. I'm not a lot of fun to be around when I have this happening, let me tell you.

Am I just slowly going crazy? Sometimes the cumulative impact of the battle, even when you are winning it, seems to be a bit overwhelming, and I am not, as a rule, a guy that gets overwhelmed easily.

Sorry for the diatribe. Just needed to get that off my chest, so to speak. ;-)

Hello Jeff, I know that there are many reasons for memory issues. One that I was suprised to find out about is memory loss is a symptom of depression. Just thought I would mention in case you hadn't thought about it. I think many people having to deal with cancer treatment could suffer from depression. And by the way, I think it is OK to complain about having to deal with all of the treatment issues and side effects from time to time.

As Brian Hill once aptly said to me - welcome to Survivorhood - its not a road for the faint of heart.

For me, the longer out I go/get from treatment, the more paranoid I become at each check up. What you are experiencing is extremely normal, and all we can really do is live one day at a time - no matter how "overused" that phrase is.

I too experienced memory loss which I attributed to being distracted, but in jest told those around me that there had been a few stray radiation beams - always a good excuse.

Don't be hard on yourself - adjustments take time. You'll get there.

Donna

Jeff

I am fortunate never to have had cancer,but just being touched by the disease on a close personal level,has left me compulsive and obsessive about the damn thing.I cant even begin to imagine how you must feel,and i dont think it is surprising.They say knowledge is power,but they also say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing,which after your treatment is finished,is probably true,making every little nuance a potential threat.

On a lighter note Jeff,i am 54 ,and the memory thing is not indiginous to post chemo.Names and words i have used all my life evade me ,just this week i couldn't remember my pin number for my atm card that i have had for 25 years, that on the tip of your tongue thing is infuriating,but i am assured that it is all perfectly normal for women of a certain age lol.It serves as a constant reminder that our bodies are not designed to last for ever,no matter how invincible we may feel.

Jeff you are human and entitled to feel as you do,but if it becomes an issue,think about talking to someone.

love liz

Jeff- Although I'm not a cancer patient I have experienced some of the same things you mention. I had a small spot on my gum and rushed to my husband's ENT for a checkup. All was fine but I lost sleep over it. I also have memory lapses and I think it's from being distracted with appointments, thoughts of the future/past, etc. Patients and caregivers alike have the same worries and these can really take up space in your head. Either that or I'm just getting old!

Sue

I am also experiencing memory loss as I age (even before the radiation) and one of my high school friends was just asking me about it the other day -- He's having loss also.

I suspect it is even worse when we are stressed (or depressed) because our subconscious is busy worrying about something and won't allow our conscious brain enough power to remember stuf.

Thanks to everyone for the input! Every now and then, I just need a reality check. Intellectually, I know that this is all part of the recovery process, but my instinct sometimes is to withdraw and live in my own mind, which is a really dangerous neighborhood. ;-)

Anyway, things are looking up, and the the first day of Fall promises to be a beautiful one here in Central Ohio. I spent half the weekend harvesting about 1,150 apples from my two apple trees, and there are about 200 -300 left. Anybody need apples? ;-)

Jeff,

With over 600 clients I now, either because of pure age or a combo of age, chemo & rad, have my Office Mgr copy all new clients' drivers licenses so I have a picture of them to help me remember what they look like which seems to help me remember their tax issues. I assume that won't work forever but it works for me now.

We use to use the phrase "chemo brain" around here to label our post Tx mental shortcomings but I don't know if that has any scientific foundation.

Om the positive side, at least you remember that you used to be mentally sharper. LOL

I, also have experienced noticable concentration and memory problems since radiation and chemo. I call it swiss cheese brain. It's not really memory loss, though. It's more like mamory blips - here yesterday, gone today, back again tomorrow, etc. A common thing for me lately is to say "I knew it before you asked me."

Lani

Oops. I meant memory blips - not mamory