Since you all were so helpful to me with my Dad, I feel the need to call upon you as again. A very dear friend of mine was just diagnosed with Cancer... not oral Cancer but Cancer just the same. It began in her adrenal gland and has now spread to her liver and lungs. NOT good. With chemo when she starts, they say 1, maybe 2 years for her. She is a 36-year-old mother of 3, all under the age of 10! SO sad.

My question is, how can I be helpful to her? She has a great support system of her husband,family and friends... but I just feel... useless. With Dad, I KNEW what I needed to do. In this situation, I am clueless.

As Cancer patients and survivors... what did/do you find to be the best way someone can be helpful?

Thank you in advance once again for your guidance!

The worst thing that happens when a loved one gets a terminal diagnosis,is that friends disappear.As i said at the time it happened to us ,it is almost as if people think it is catching.

The best thing you can do is just be her friend.keep everything just the way it has always been.Keep calling,keep visiting,dont pussy foot around,gossip,talk make her feel normal.

And if she needs to talk,just listen.

liz

Hi LarrysDaughter-

It was about a year ago that they told me I had 2-3 years to live (34 year old mother with a toddler). If you know this woman well, you could just be very direct and ask her how you can help. Everyone is so different; it�s hard to know what will be helpful. For example, my mom always wanted to go to the chemo sessions with me, but I just wanted to be dropped off. That way I felt independent. But lots of people want the company.

I always appreciated having someone �on call� who I could call up at anytime and unload on. I used my sister for it, I told her sometimes I would just need to talk and that she didn�t need to offer any advice, but just listen to me, and I would call her during the day while she was at work, etc. During those first few weeks there were a lot of times I was borderline hysterical and just had to get it out somehow and that really helped.

Then later I needed more rides to the chemo appointments, people to pick up/drop off my son at daycare, and suggestions of movies or books to read. One good days I would get lonely because I was home during the day and I liked to have someone to go to lunch or coffee with. Depending on the chemo, she might feel just fine for quite a while.

You probably already know this, but one thing definitely not to say is the whole �I knew someone with cancer who was told 2 years, and they lived 6�� etc etc. It seems good but it can make her feel worse. I think the best thing to say is that you�re sorry, and you�re here to help.

Best of luck
Melissa

Since your friend has younger children, it probably would help her to offer to take them out to lunch or to the park. That way she could get some rest.

Maybe make dinner for her family once in a while so she didnt have to worry about feeding her kids a good meal. Or even just helping with school clothes shopping. She may have lots of support, but a little extra help with the kids is always a big help.

A big thing is just dont go away. Stay visible and make calls at least weekly so she knows you are there. Even with a strong support group in place, some of those people wont be there thru the whole thing.

Christine

Great advice so far! You could also offer to help with things like laundry, 3 kids generate a lot of dirty clothes, and housekeeping.

Buy her something pretty, silly, pampering or all three.

Find out what the children are capable of. If they are not too young, they may want to help grocery shop and make meals or special treats.

Tell her that doctors have been granted the power to heal, not to predict.

LarrysDaughter, you are such a sweet and caring person, I am sure she would just appreciate you being there for encouragement. I am sure you will find things to do or talk over with her to keep her going and help her whip this stuff. Just be what she needs the most, a good friend and you will ease her in ways her family can't.

Thank you everyone for your help and suggestions. It means so much to me. My friend is fighting for her life and will begin her "chemo cocktails" (as she calls them soon. She has named her Live Area 51 and plans to expel all aliens inside of her. Her positive attitude and sense of humor just blows me away. I saw her a couple of days ago, and she is truly an amazing woman!

Thanks again!