So, I haven't posted for quite awhile and this will probably be a rambling mish mash of thoughts. My question: Does quality of life after cancer allow for arguing and placing expectations on someone? My husband is doing well physically. He went back to work for a little while on and off. But his desire, which I gave in to, was to stay at our other place which is near the beach. We got a little mobile home on rented property right before he was diagnosed. Long story short, now he has been staying there by himself for the last 4 months(with our 2 dogs)while I am at our other place and still working. I don't mind that on the surface. What I mind is that my job is extremely stressful but my husband never has any compassion for anything I am going through. It's always about him. I always try to be supportive of what he wants to do, sometimes with the thought in the back (or front) of my mind that he may someday have a recurrence. But then I start feeling resentful, then I feel guilty, then back to resentful, and so on. I really wouldn't mind if he at least showed that he cared about my life. He is only concerned for his own conveniences. He called me at work today - I couldn't talk because I had someone in the office at that moment - I said "call you back." He said "nevermind" and hung up. I called him back 10-15 times and he wouldn't answer. He emailed me "now you know why I will never call you at work again, unless it is an emergency." What he was calling me about was of no urgency whatsoever. He knows he can call me anytime, but I can't always talk. How far should a person have to go in catering to the whims of their spouse/family member/friend who has gone through the terrible ordeal of cancer, without expecting anything in return? What can I say to him instead of what I feel like saying, which is "okay, you're fine now, quit acting like a prima donna and start showing some concern for someone else for a change - it's not all about you now!" I realize this goes beyond the issue of him having had cancer - I guess I just want someone to tell me it's okay to not feel guilty when I get angry with him, because I'm afraid he might have a recurrance and die, and then I will feel bad for those times I argued with him. I don't want to argue, but he is so frustrating and unreasonable! :rolleyes: So back to my question - Does quality of life after cancer allow for arguing and placing expectations on someone?

Dear Michelle, to be very blunt- he could also be smashed by a drunk driver next week, as could you. It is very hard to respond to your question because the response would have to take into account what your relationship was like "before cancer". That being said, the psychological ramifications of having cancer that enter into your marriage are very significant and can be very challanging long term for each or you. Counseling, jointly and individually could really be a great advantage to you both. "Quality of life after cancer" is something you both have to come to terms with and having a long term and loving marriage is a goal you BOTH must work out together.I must admit, that as a 2 yr. caregiver, I am a little prejudiced toward that side- I know the emotional and physical energy that role demands. I also have a pretty good understanding of the "patient's" suffering. There is nothing easy about this- but if your marriage was good before cancer- it can be as good or even better after cancer. It will no doubt take some recovery time and some work to get there. And here is a solumn thought- not every marriage survives it. Hoping the best for you and Jesse. Amy in the Ozarks

Michele,

It sounds like you have some really valid reasons for feeling as you do. I helped care for my sister along with her husband. She fought the cancer for 2 1/2 years, the last 8 months she and her husband moved in with us as she needed full time care. Connie didn't behave as your husband is, but I'm sure everyone reacts differently with dealing with one's mortality. Have you two gone to counseling or joined a support group? I know that my sister Connie and her husband were inseparable during this whole ordeal. When she was in remission (after surgery), she went back to work and lived life to the fullest. She was always so grateful and loving. I really think Jesse could benefit from some counseling, might need to figure out what his expectations of life and your relationship are in this next phase. Is it possible he is depressed?? Hang in there and keep venting...it helps with the stress and anxiety you are going through. I'll keep you and Jesse in my thoughts.

Nancy

Thanks you guys. After I posted this, I just felt like I was whining. We do have some things to work through - some that were "pre cancer" - it is more challenging to face those issues now because I think I should focus on his needs and not mine. He's rather unyielding, so I think I will look for a way on my own to come to terms with what we do have that is positive and not dwell on the other. I appreciate your feedback.

Michelle,

In short, the answer is a loud and passionate YES, YES, YES.............it IS allowed to go back to your relationship which includes arguing and sticking up for yourself. I felt damned good the first time my husband actually fought back with me after my treatments were done,etc. It made me feel like HE believed I was ok.........rather than him being passive and treating me with kid gloves on.

I say go a few rounds with him, get it off your chest.......then you have at least opened doors to areas that need to be discussed.

Good luck with it,
Minnie

Sometimes your patient needs extra tender loving care. Sometimes they need a swift kick in the hind end. Don't feel guilty for having feelings - through so much of treatment and recovery everything is about the patient and you lose yourself. At some point things have to balance out. As hard as it is, find the right time to tell him that he's not the only one who has been through this terrible ordeal. It affects everybody. At some point he has to figure out how to deal with the new normal and get on with life. Sometimes you have to quit being quite so nice and demand some things for yourself. It's a terrible thing that happened to him, but, remind him he surely didn't go through all of that to sit on his tukus and stop living.

On top of that - do something nice for yourself. Take a day off and go to the spa. Enjoy a day of complete pampering - a whole day about you and only you. You deserve it.

If you dont respond to this situation in the way you would have done before he had cancer then his disease has claimed 2 victims.
Your relationship as well as his health.
I knew that Robin hated me treating him differently after he became ill,so i didnt.If he yelled i yelled back,if he was self absorbed i reminded him we were both in this thing together and although i had my health his cancer had my life too.When rob was in the hospice i once said to him"just because you are dying doesnt mean you can talk to me like that" he laughed and laughed.
Maybe its time for a bit of normal marriage behaviour he may be looking for that to reassure him that he is no longer someone you are pitying.

Alright then. I think I am starting to get it. Don't know if my husband will recognize the fact that I am arguing with him to make him feel better LOL... however, I see the point. I need to get us back to normal, even if "normal" isn't violins and roses. Maybe I'll start by asking him if he hadn't gotten cancer, would he be living in one place and me living in another right now. Is that a fair question? I think I have been looking at it as things ARE different now and he should have a "quality of life" where he is away from the stresses of what our daily routine is when we are together. I believe the more I think about it, may I am trying to avoid the additional burden of having to deal with his as well as my own stress.

Michelle,

having had cancer does change us. I know that it was at least 2.5 years before I started to feel like myself again. I am not quite three years out. I'm not sure of your husband's motivation, but it may take a while before he can adequately respond.

Steve

Michelle,

I am new in the "game" so probably not as worn down as one would be after a year or so. So my advice is coming without a lot of experience.

If you are trying to work and be a caregiver, you are in a high stress situation and I don't blame you for needing a break from it. Sometimes by 9pm, I am ready to scream...I just need a little break from all the responsibility of treatments, feedings, meds, and bedside manners. That being said, I think that the diagnosis and treatment of this disease more than requires teamwork...I can't imagine going it alone. Your husband needs you and you need your husband to understand how much this takes from you. I don't think that can be accomplished living apart. Much is lost when talking by phone...face to face is important. A third party to counsel you might help as well...Jesse may listen to a unbiased voice.

I agree also about not tip toeing all the time. I have yelled, then felt guilty, then told self that he would feel strange if I didn't do my normal "b.t.hing."

Good luck in all of this...don't want to sound righteous...its too early to be Pollyanna about my relationship with hubby...right now its good and he is appreciative...the future will tell how strong our 30 year marriage really is!

Deb