Ok I have not been able to give my support to many this week, which doesn't make me feel good. I am having a bit of drama with my dad's health rapidly declining, and getting him into this new treatment center clear across the U.S. He is flying from Atlanta to Santa Barbara tomarrow. He will be there for three weeks.

To start with, my dads sister has been his primary caregiver since he got sick a year ago. She has always been his surrogate mother in a sense- good and totally annoying at times(especially to my dad!). I feel so bad for dumping, but she pi$$ed me off so bad today I can't take her anymore.

I have done the flying back and forth from California to Atlanta. I order all of his supplies, food, etc. on line and send them anything they need. (and pay out of my pocket)I have found doctors, nurses, clinics- done tons of research. I have not slept, ate, and lots of other stuff. I can't remember my life before this cancer. It is all I think about. I have my family here in California. I have five children. Four teenage step daughters 12,14,14, and 17. I have a seven year old son. I live in and out of court with my husbands not so sane ex(10 years of litigation and her trying to get every penny we have, and a legal battle with my ex partner from a small business that I operated as of last year. My brothers have seen my dad once, and have called him just recently- a year of not one call or visit from his 2 favorite sons. So , I'm sorry way to much info, BUT...

Dad is flying to a clinc here tomarrow. I got him a private nurse, got his food and oxygen sent there as the clinic doesn't provide this. Got a rental car for the nurse (she is coming from Atlanta), have to pay my uncle back for the airline tickets, AND am paying for the clinic $20,000 cash. No problem.

My aunt calls me to tell me I need to go to Santa Barbara to be with Dad. I tell her I am trying to make arrangements, I was not sure until this afternoon if Dad even was well enough to make the flight- he gets the ok from the hospital today while he is down there getting checked for this terrible swelling he has going on now-his face, eyes,nose is closing up- docs just say its part of the disease- dad is crying in tears- totally the saddest thing ever- but he CAN get on the plane. So I know its a sure thing. All I've been doing for months is making arrangements. So.. I say my housekeeper-nanny that I use for emergencies is out of town. Dad will be there three weeks, I got him a nurse- I am trying to figure out when I can get down there. Mind you, I just got back from Georgia. My kids have been like out of the picture, and it is killing me. They are acting out(cops, parties, boyfriends, slipping grades, fighting amongst themselves). My aunt- who never had children- not little ones- some stepchildren when they were already in there 30's, tells me leave my husband( who has been making these trips to see my dad with me) home and get down there. I am the glue in my family. I have been with my step daughters for over 10 years. They freak out when I am gone. They adore their father, but I am MOM!
So politely I just say "Ok". I don't want to go ape Sh!t on her, she is my elder. She then goes on how her life has been put on hold because of this and so on. Let me tell you - SHE INSISTED!!! She dragged my dad with him digging in his heals from Florida. She says she has always taken care of him and that is her little brother, then complains about it. She is retired. They live comfortablely. Just built a five bedroom house for her and her husband. SHE INSISTED MY DAD GO THERE. She always gets in my dads affairs, complains how she always has to get him out of situations. She has been an ENABLER. He probably would have done more stuff for himself if she would have left him alone. But she couldn't, and nagged him, or reminded him and he got accustomed to his sister always doing things for him. She created the monster and now wonders why he is the way he is. He is her kid.

THEN says after getting me to get him into this clinic( he will go back for more rad and chemo in three weeks and start rad and chemo 2 weeks after he is home in GA) that nothing better happen to him out here, she will come out to kick butts, and maybe he should stay there to start the other treatment sooner, but that the doctor said to her starting in five weeks was when they had planned and starting a few weeks earlier wouldn't make a difference- doc says to aunt he should come to this clinic.
BUT... it will be my fault if he dies? She says he is going to die, but if it's here it's my fault. Why would she have me going through all this per their request, and try to tell me I better do what I have to do, but will be held responsible for something happening? Why doesn't she come with him? She says she does everything for him? Are we just doing the cancer fighting crazy wits end family blame everyone thing? This is so too much!!!! Long story short, I'm gonna cut back on the 47 calls a day to her. I'm hoping for the best and will do what my dad tells me to do-not his sister.
I have heard many great thing about this clinic from other cancer patients. I'm glad my dad doesn't have them for a little while. He said he didn't want anyone to go acctually, just a nurse. He wants to focus on his treatment- not get nagged to death. Well if you aren't sleepng yet from this rediculously long post, thank you for your ear.

Wow, Karen! - Sounds like you sure have been going way "above and beyond the call of duty" with everything you have done for your Dad! Even to the point of putting your children on the back burner so to speak. Sounds like they really do need your attention and it must be so difficult to be pulled in so many different directions. Let the "surrogate mother" do her thing and when she complains, tune her out and think beautiful thoughts (on the phone, just hold the phone away from you so you can't hear anything and when she stops, just say, uh-huh). She must be really stressed out - her reactions, complaining (i.e.nagging) are probably just her way of coping. And we all cope in different ways. I think you have the right idea, Karen - hope for the best and just focus on your Dad. But also, it's important to try and do something for yourself, too! I do hope everything goes well for your Dad. I'll be sending positive vibes your way.

Family feuding is possibly not out of the question when dealing with the health of a loved on. You the daughter, her the sister. Legalities, who has power of attorney. This is an important issue. That person has FINAL say if the loved on, your dad cant say. If you dont have one, get one ASAP. Do what you think is best and try not to get yourself upset with her. YOU CAN BEST THIS THING, Karen. We are all here for you. Best Wishes..Carol...

Thank you Anne Marie and Carol. I always think of how this is a trip for everyone involved. We all deal differently. My dad arrived today and is at the clinic. The doctor actually said he expected my dad to be worse. He was really possitive. This doctor put me and my dad in a whole different state. Power of suggestion is a huge thing. My dad has been hearing he is going to die and to accept it from my aunt, and now it's all bout living. I am excited for him, and will be taking calls from my aunt maybe every other one. That might mellow things out a bit. Thank you for taking time to read that long crazy post of mine. Talk to you soon.

The very best of luck Karen i hope having Dad close makes things easier for you and that you see a big improvement in his health and state of mind very soon.I find long posts very cathartic and i always feel i have had a huge weight lifted when i finish putting words on paper and seeing other peoples slant so anytime you feel the need just let it all out.

Liz in the UK

Hello Karen

I'm just getting back on my feet and had no idea of your situation. Thank You for your PM's. Especially with all you have going on, you made time for me. You have a Good Heart!

I think you need to print this post ( thread ) and mail it to "EVERYONE" involved and mentioned. "Put The Cards On The Table" so to speak. It gives a clear analysis of the total situation of exactly what's going on and exactly who is, and who is not invloved. It needs "no title" or explanation other than:

Please Read This About Dad. Thank You, Karen.

It may be the "wakeup" call they all need. You need some help and support and are carrying way more than your share of the load. And you are not bitching, just stating "THE FACTS". This possibly could bring everyone closer together. Or, cut and run for the hills.

I'm praying for you. Tell W I said hello. Sincerely, Petey

Hi Karen -

I've been off the board for some time and am just catching up on things. I completely understand the family feud situation - boy, do I ever! It is difficult to explain to someone that hasn't had to deal with 'the sister' in the family. So, from my own experience - forgive me for giving you a bit of advise...

First - you are doing a TERRIFIC job! Stop, breath and give yourself a big pat on the back. You are doing everything possible to keep everyone on track. Here's the thing, the more you try to please 'sis', the worse things will get. It sounds like she is totally manipulating you, then making you feel guilty for not doing what she wants, when she wants. So - stop worrying about 'sis'. You will never be able to make her happy and live your own life.

Mommapez was right on target. Find out who has power of attorney for your dad. If dad is so ill that he can not make medical and financial decisions for himself, then a power of attorney will protect him.

Just for this post, let's look at this a couple of different ways:
1) dad really can make the decisions himself, but doesn't want to make either of the ladies in his life upset - so he just let's you and 'sis' battle things out. If this is the case, you really do need to tell dad to make a decision and you will support it no matter what. BTW ...That is really, really hard to do! ...or...
2) you have power of attorney. You tell 'sis' what the plan of action is (and stick to it). She can travel to Atlanta to visit dad, etc. and then don't worry about her.

Speaking for myself, my dad's sisters weren't simply difficult to deal with when he was terminally ill (lung cancer) - they were deliberately cruel to me - and this just hurt my dad even more. So - do what is best for you and your dad. Period. Sister will fume awhile, but if she loves her brother (and it sounds like she does) then she will get over it and be glad to have her brother's best interest being taken care of.

With all the plates you have spinning, please take time to breath. Take care of yourself - The more you do this, you will find that the kids will become better behaved, happier (so will hubby) -- the ex's are ex's for a reason -- so let the attorneys handle that pressure.

Sorry to carry on. Your post brought back many, many memories of dad and his 3 sisters (now that was a hand full, let me tell you!). In the end, dad passed in peace and knew how very much I love him (still). The sisters still fight amongst themselves and they rarely ever contact me. That's ok.

Hang in there -
Carol R.

Karen..........you actually had me cracking up with your "book".......don't take that the wrong way, not laughing AT you but laughing at your presentation of the situation! Boy do I know life with a house full of kids, I have 7 and when they were all home........along with my two step children that I raised and who lived with us......it was complete bedlam. I can't imagine having to deal with what you are dealing with AT THE SAME TIME! Bless your heart.

One piece of advice. Ask all questions of your father and do what HE and only HE wants. He's a grown man and it's his wishes that need to be respected. From your last post, it sounds like you did the perfect thing by bringing him to the clinic near you. Love him, make him feel hope, and help him heal.

Karen,

Can I hire you !!!!! No family feuding here , not yet , But to have somone like you in my corner WOW ...I know I could do this!!!! I am a mom of 5 as well and things do fall apart when "MOM" isnt well or around or as attentive as usual..not that DAD isnt good , but it isnt the same. As I have told you ..YOU are an AMAZING WOMAN your dad must be proud and he must be a WONDERFUL MAN to have raised such a strong, comapssionate, caring and courageous daughter...I only hope that I give my kids atleast 1/2 of what I see in you..so If I make it to my old age and have to do this again ..I will know all will be OK . As for the aunt , she does love him I am sure and older people are set in their ways. She must need to be in control because in reality ......there is no control over this so she feels the need to control everything she can. If that even makes any sense. You should do the power of attorney thing , I know I hate to think of those things, If this gland in my face is cancer..guess I have to start thinkin of those kinds of things ( YUCK I HATE THEM ) but in the end it does make thing easier or should i say more defined. NONE OF THIS IS EASY !!! I think you need time for you ..and for your family to regroup...LIke even just a day or 2 of somthing fun ..I Know teenagers think nothing is fun with Family LOL we are boring....But they need it and you know deep down they LOVE IT !! I think that they are acting out cus 1 they can ! 2 they are trying to get your attention and 3 they are scared too. I wish you the best of luck with everything!!! HEY SEND the kids out here !!LOL I live on the lake and a few hrs from the ocean , however you probably have the ocean in CA, 3 hours from NYC , and they are close in age with MINE !!! HAHAHA I have 14G 13B 10B 8G 6B. I will be looking forward to hearing more ...PLease take a breath...I am glad the new Drs have a better attitude !! (((((((HUGS))))) to you and your family !!


Shar

You guys are so funny! I just got the support-o-meter back up to a full tank. Thank you I was running low. I am here in Santa Barbara with dad. The doctors are great, but it has been touch and go for 3 days. We are hanging in there. He's hanging, I'm panicing and praying. You know the drill. I'll post soon. Wishing all of you, my friends the very best. Talk to you soon. Thank you so much again for the support and info. I actually am starting to understand this cancer and can actually have a "medically correct" conversation with a doctor now! I should have a little bracelet that says WWOFCD!