I never thought I would be getting counseling- but tomorrow, my fiance and I will both be going. I talked to his radiologist today and explained some of the conversations and feelings that we both are having and she suggested it. I am nervous and dont know what to expect, but I think it will help us both deal with the hurt and anger that we feel at this situation and hopefully will bring us closer together. A lot of the intimate aspects have left and that has been hard for us to deal with- thank goodness we have been able to hold on, though some lengthy discussions and crying sessions have occurred... Has anyone else been to counseling?

HI, Lisa, counseling is a wonderful thing to do[but you both need to feel comfortable with the counselor]. It's hard to put into words, but in order to get through this together, you and your fiance will have to deal with a new kind of intimacy- that of dealing with a life threatening disease and all of the ramifications. Your lives, as you have known them will now be different over the next months. You will have to be very strong, but you don't have to be alone!We are pulling for you. Amy

Yes, many of us have been to counseling and it definitely helped. It's a neutral third party who can help you clarify your feelings. The biggest thing I worked on was making a list of what I could control and what I couldn't. It sounds like you are already aware of the need to keep your connection to each other and that's a great first step.
Regards JoAnne

We had a counselor. It was the best thing that could have happened.
Mike would go with me, cuz he thought it would help me. I would go with him so he could get help.
This counselor was so good, she played us like a couple of instruments in a orchestra!
Next thing we know, we're both learning things for ourselves, (just by accident you know , cuz we're just there for the other person!)

She made me aware of things that never would have occured to me. She also helped a lot with practical things. I wish we would have hooked up with her from day one!

The result of seeing her was we could talk to eachother in a much more meaningful way. A lot of the tension was removed.

We could go in to see her on our own, or together. We both still keep in touch with her. She's called Mike to talk with new patients that have similar diagnosis as his.

Go to the counselor.

Well, went today and met with the social worker instead (long story, but seems that the doctor thought she needed to find the best resource for us)and something wierd is happening- we will be working with three different people... Beverly (the social worker) to work with paperwork and social aspects to help us, a chaplin (her recommendation) for premarital counseling, and a psychiatrist to help us with the mental aspects of dealing with this cancer and a new phase in our lives. I feel so much better and today when we left, I actually felt better- because we talked... during dinner, when we came home and rested, and just snuggled. The counselor told Bill that I needed the hugging and closeness that we needed in a relationship, even if we did not have the other aspects- and he listened. I feel like I am getting Bill back!
Sorry I am running on and on- I just am so excited! I feel so happy and alive again- I needed to know that Bill still cared about me, not just the cancer only.

Intimacy is far more encompassing than merely sexual issues. Sex seems to take a back seat to survival when the body automatically prioritizes its needs and wants. Speaking for the majority, it took a long time for a normal libido to return. This disease and treatment beats you up pretty good.

Unprotected sex is not recommended during chemo (due to its toxicity) in any case (for those interested).

Gary- sex is actually what he wants, not me. I just want the man that used to love to cuddle and kiss and all that. Yes, sex was important- but not all of our relationship. Last night, he was acting more like his normal self (before cancer) but this morning he is in a funk and is depressed- and I dont know what to do to get him out of it. All it does is make me depressed...

Lisa,
Mabey Bill wants to get it while he can, (or give it to you while he can) worried about what will happen to him as he goes through treatment.

Everyone's different how they react to treatment.

Some of the guys here on the forum had a fairly short period of down time, and a quick libido return. Remember what Gary said, during chemo, you need a condom due to the toxicity.

I'm sure you'll find that this will not even become an issue. The intimacy you will experience with him during this rough road ahead, sex or no sex, will be profoundly like no other. Like Gary said, "all encompassing".

Expect that he will have mood swings that will be difficult to cope with. Expect that you may not have the ability to help him on some occasions.
Expect that this may depress you. Continue to do the things that lifted your spirits before Bill was diagnosed. Don't feel guilty for protecting your well being. You have to, and doing so will help Bill feel better too.

Here's an example, I was in the similar situation you just described, getting depressed, not knowing how to help, all the ups and downs that are so highly emotionaly packed.
Okay, before diagnosis I used to like to get my nails done and a pedicure. It always made me feel good and I got a lot of mileage out of it. So then, I'm feeling like a selfish shrew to be so self absorbed during this critical time for my husband. Guilt brought more bad feelings and I'm like a time bomb, ready to cry any moment over nothing, but holding it in. Well, one day it fell out, I'm sobbing and asking if he would think I was awful for wanting to go do this selfish vanity thing. Surprisingly, he was so encouraged by this and urged me to go. I did and I got that happy little lift I hoped for and a lot of mileage from it as hoped for.
I was equally surprised to see one of the guys (who had the diagnosis) on this forum post about how happy he was when his wife went to get her toes painted. He never knew how much it made her feel good. He said something about, for the relatively inexpensive outing, it was worth far more than he would have imagined. His wife's well being was directly related to his well being.

Hang in there.... You'll get through this.
We're here for you.

Ginny

Ginny- thank you. I am having such a time dealing with these mood swings he is having and yes, I have already broken down more than once, esp. when he starts talking about not being able to make it. I am trying to keep exercising (my outlet) but it is hard with his radiation schedule and my normal job that I have to work. I actually started working before we met at a gym as an instructor so that I could have fun and get paid for it- but I have had to miss teaching so much in the last month that I dont even enjoy it as much. I just want to scream sometimes for the past to come back- but I know that will not happen. My problem? now I am not sleeping because of this. I am already on meds because of this problem before, so I cant take more. I cant fall apart, but I cant leave him either...I love him too much. All I keep doing is praying for a solution...

lltj,

I know this is a really tough period for the both of you but also keep in mind that it is a very short period in the grand scheme of things. I was only really kind of "out of it" for about 6 weeks and then the slow recovery started but now 6 months out of Tx and our life is back to normal and has been for a few months.

I still have a few remaining physical side effects and certaintly we will never forget what we went through but we don't dwell on it.

I agree with the others that you need to do the things for yourself that makes you feel good. You need to take of you or you won't be able to take care of him. The main thing I still miss is my exercise routine. I used to ride my bike 100+ miles a week and I also subbed as an aerobics instruction whenever I was asked. I can't do that yet because of the dry mouth issues and tax season but I used to love the high from exercise so I know what you miss. If I were you I wouldn't stop exercising and I think he would encourage it if he knew you missed it.