#50815 07-12-2004 09:28 PM | Joined: Mar 2003 Posts: 189 Gold Member (100+ posts) | OP  Gold Member (100+ posts)
Joined: Mar 2003 Posts: 189 | Today I had my husband admitted to an in-patient alcohol/drug rehab facility in Annapolis.
It's been almost two years since his diagnosis with tonsil cancer. We've endured the chemo and radiation with very little, or no, cure if it returns. He's continued to smoke, and drink worse than before.
Cancer in itself is beyond our control. Behavior, is our own responsibility.
I've fought this with Dennis for years. I'm tired and would like some support.
Michelle
Husband diagnosed with stage III tonsil and floor of mouth cancer in August 2002. Three rounds of chemo/42 RAD treatments. Upper right lung lobectomy in March 2003. (Benign)
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#50816 07-12-2004 11:49 PM | Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 | Right on lady
Wish I had your strength, me I'm still burying my head in the sand.. So while you have some space get YOUR LIFE BACK.. run if you have to, get what ever support you can and GO.. find a womens refuge if you have to, you have to grab this one chance before it disappears, me I messed up my one chance to get out, and boy am I regreting it now.. Will be thinking of you..
Find your sunshine again.. love and hugs
Helen
SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
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#50817 07-13-2004 03:09 AM | Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 85 Senior Member (75+ posts) | | Senior Member (75+ posts)
Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 85 | Dear Mandi,
You have the best cancer support group right here, but I think you need to find a local ALANON group where you can go to talk out what is happening as it occurs. The members have all been through a situation similar to yours. They will tell you, as I will now, that it is time to be a little bit selfish to maintain your own life equalibrium.
I don't know if you are going to be able to visit Dennis anytime soon, but that doesn't matter. You have already made the toughest decision; To Get Help, so now it is time for you.
Dennis will be learning a great deal about his drinking in the upcoming weeks. His previous denial may even change to bitterness for a short time (as it did with me). Your continued presence speaks volumes for your inner strength. Please look to others now. You could use a break.
Forgive me for not acknowledging the author:
"This Too Will Pass"
I am in a hurricane right now.
I've been here before.
And I survived.
I am not alone.
God is with me.
My faith sustains me.
It has never failed me.
I'll come through this.
I am strong
and I am loved.
This too will pass.
My prayers for healing strength and recovery,
David
T1N0M0 Partial Glossectomy 2/04, Recurrance w/ another P.G. 5/04. IMRTx33 7/04-9/04. T2N2M0 recurrance in throat, 11/04.
2nd tumor 1/06/05, Chemo 1/11-05 Died 02-16-05 Wife: Brenda
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#50818 07-13-2004 06:07 AM | Joined: Feb 2004 Posts: 372 "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Feb 2004 Posts: 372 | Mandi,
Prayers are with you for sure. Phil. 4:13 says "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me". May God comfort you and direct you during this time.
Take care,
Debbie
Debbie - Caregiver for husband, Dan, diagnosed with tongue cancer 7/03. Partial gloss., mod. neck dissections, graft. Recurrence neck tumor 12/03. Radical left neck dissection 12/24/03-unable to get all the tumor. 8 weeks chemo/rad beginning 1/12/04.
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#50819 07-13-2004 06:50 AM | Joined: May 2002 Posts: 2,152 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: May 2002 Posts: 2,152 | Mandi,
At Last. I am so happy for you. I do hope it was Dennis's decision to get treatment because he has a much better chance of beating this if he is not in denial.
Everyone says go to ALANON. That depends on whether you can find the right group. I found I had absolutely nothing in common with the groups I attended since I was self supporting and had no children. What I needed to do was learn more about the disease itself and how do cope with someone who has it. I attended several speaker AA meetings and grabbed every junk of literature available. There were also group sessions for the family on Saturdays at the facility my husband checked into. These were very beneficial. I had no idea what to expect when he was released from the facility 3 or 4 weeks later and I needed to know how it was going to affect our life. That sounds selfish on my part, but I wanted to help him without being an enabler and I didn't know how I should change.
It was rough. He had to do 90 meetings in 90 days and he did it and more. I don't remember how many years, but he attended meetings at least 4-5 days a week for years. That was 20 some odd years ago and he has never had a drink since. AA left little time for me and no time for a social life, but it was worth it because if he hadn't done it, he would be dead. He still runs one meeting a week.
So hang in there. Do what you have to do, whether you stay or leave. Do whatever is best for both you and your kids. Just maybe Dennis will get the picture and get control of his life. Here's hoping.
Take care,
Eileen
----------------------
Aug 1997 unknown primary, Stage III
mets to 1 lymph node in neck; rt ND, 36 XRT rad
Aug 2001 tiny tumor on larynx, Stage I total laryngectomy; left ND
June 5, 2010 dx early stage breast cancer
June 9, 2011 SCC 1.5 cm hypo pharynx, 70% P-16 positive, no mets, Stage I
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#50820 07-13-2004 07:13 AM | Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 | Mandi,
You will always have my support and I am praying fervently for God to provide exactly what YOU need right now and for Dennis to have his eyes opened to the love around him.
Ed
SCC Stage IV, BOT, T2N2bM0
Cisplatin/5FU x 3, 40 days radiation
Diagnosis 07/21/03 tx completed 10/08/03
Post Radiation Lower Motor Neuron Syndrome 3/08.
Cervical Spinal Stenosis 01/11
Cervical Myelitis 09/12
Thoracic Paraplegia 10/12
Dysautonomia 11/12
Hospice care 09/12-01/13.
COPD 01/14
Intermittent CHF 6/15
Feeding tube NPO 03/16
VFI 12/2016
ORN 12/2017
Cardiac Event 06/2018
Bilateral VFI 01/2021
Thoracotomy Bilobectomy 01/2022
Bilateral VFI 05/2022
Total Laryngectomy 01/2023
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#50821 07-13-2004 07:21 AM | Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 32 Contributing Member (25+ posts) | | Contributing Member (25+ posts)
Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 32 | You are so strong...what a hardships to face...hopefully he will be able to take advantage of all rehab has to offer and what a caring careprovider you have been...hang in there!!! My thoughts and love are being sent you way as I write....Sara
Wife of John, 40yo, SCC R Tonsil (3/10/04), s/p resection and rad neck, forarm falp, taxolx3 pre rad, rad (30 txmnts) & taxol/carbo. Now he is 49 and doing well!!!
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#50822 07-13-2004 11:05 AM | Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 837 "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 837 | Mandi,
I'm hoping and praying that this will be the step your husband needs (and that it will help you get some peace). In the case of one of my relatives, rehab seemed to be what it took to jolt him out of denial and push him toward taking responsibility for himself. Thankfully he's been clean and sober for over a dozen years and has been instrumental in helping a number of other people get into AA.
Please take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.
Cathy
Tongue SCC (T2M0N0), poorly differentiated, diagnosed 3/89, partial glossectomy and neck dissection 4/89, radiation from early June to late August 1989
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#50823 07-13-2004 11:42 AM | Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 106 Senior Member (100+ posts) | | Senior Member (100+ posts)
Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 106 | Mandi,
I hope this is it for him. My son is in drug treatment right now + he entered the same week I started radiation - and I have other members of my family sober in AA for years - it works.
How did you keep from killing him when he continued drinking & smoking after the cancer diagnosis? I am not kidding. It must have been so unbelievably awful! I have told my husband I will leave him if he starts smoking again - I am not sure that I would, but I think he believes it.
You are still in for a hard time - I hope you can find a good Al-Anon group, they can really help you.
Love, Leena
scc right tonsil T1N1M0, right tonsillectomy + modified neck dissection 3/04, radiation IMRT both sides X33 ended 6/04.
Also had renal cell carcinoma, left kidney removed 11/04
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#50824 07-13-2004 12:57 PM | Joined: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,116 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,116 | Hi Mandi, I am praying for both you and your husband. Debbie quoted my fav Bible verse, Phil. 4:13, it has gotten me thru tough times. I am in Maryland if there is anything I can do for you.
Love, Carol
Diagnosed May 2002 with Stage IV tongue cancer, two lymph nodes positive. Surgery to remove 1/2 tongue, neck dissection, 35 radiation treatments. 11/2007, diagnosed with cancer of soft palate, surgery 12/14/07, jaw split. 3/24/10, cancer on tongue behind flap, need petscan, surgery scheduled 4/16/10
---update passed away 8-27-11---
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