HOW TO FIGHT FAIR

1. No name-calling. It is the other persons actions that are the issue. Do not attack the person.
2. No mind-reading. Do not assume intent or motivation. Do not say things like "you did this on purpose to hurt me". Learn to use "I statements" instead of "you" statements.
3. Stay focused on one issue.
a. Resolve one issue at a time. Do not get side tracked on past problems.
b. Do not "change the subject". Stay on track until problem is resolved or an action step is agreed upon.
4. Be courteous. Do not interrupt. Allow the other individual to complete their thoughts. End the fight with dignity.
5. Do not exaggerate. Words like "always" and "never" are usually inaccurate and tend to change the focus from the issue to the "frequency of the issue" which is normally not the main concern. Also keep your responses proportional to the issue.
6. Attempt to see the issue from the others point of view. Though the issue may not be important to you, it might be very important to them.
7. No insults. Insults hurt a persons self esteem and create a defensive atmosphere.
8. Do not invalidate each other. Respect the other initials opinion. It is OK to people to see things from a different perspective. It does not mean that you are "right" and they are "wrong".
9. Communicate as directly as possible. Yelling, sarcasm, whining & nagging interfere with effective communication. All are forms of intimidation.
10. Avoid threats. If a conflict cannot be resolved by the above guidelines, utilize other resources, i.e. counselor, doctor, pastor, therapist, etc.
11. Keep real. Deal with real issues. If you fight about everything then you are fighting about nothing. Don't pretend to have hurt feelings. Let your viewpoint stand on its own merit. Don't play manipulation games.
12. No physical violence or emotional abuse. Intimidation of any kind stops true and honest communication.
13. Listen to each other. Communication requires the ability to listen as well as to speak.
14. Implement a time out if needed. This will allow both people to have space to reevaluate the conflict at hand. Sometimes a "fresh start" is needed.
15. Do not sabotage your communication by poor timing. Pick a time when both parties can give full attention to each others input.

...so much good advice in this series.....You guys all know so much and are so good about sharing it....telling it like it is (nothing else does any good) but in such a nice way! Thanks. You may not realize the good you do not only for those you are addressing directly, but for those of us who are listening in.

Thanks.

Thank you, Gary- I can use all of the above with all of my children [ grown and otherwise] and thank you, Anne-Marie, I will look for that book. Amy in the Oz

I love Gary's post about "fighting fair". It can be used at any age and can help people/children feel validated and have some measure of control over a situation. When my daughter and older son were little (ages 4 and 9) and the noise level indicated some sort of unresolvable conflict, I would say - "time for a conference!" and would sit them enough apart so they couldn't hit each other. Each was given a turn to state what they thought the problem was while the other had to be silent and listen. Each was given the opportunity to say how he/she felt about what the other person said and what the solution should be. It only took a few conflict conferences when the next time the noise level was uncomfortable and I suggested a "conference" they both called back to me that "It's ok, Mom - everything's fine! we took care of it". I do this now with my grandchildren and it is actually fun to see how they resolve things themselves.