Hello All,

I am getting more depressed every day. I upped my anti-depressant pills from 30mg to 45 mg but it hasn't helped. I feel like giving up. The sooner this bastard of a diaease is done with me the better.
Am now skipping eating anything two or three days a week. Feeling kind of dizzy at times. Lost 3 lbs. each of the last two weeks. Lots of tension in the family. Everyone telling me to continue the chemo, Even though it can't cure me. Feeling kind of numb. Really sick and tired of the whole scene.
When I do eat I can tell I can't open my mouth as far as I used to. Very hard to swallow anything solid. Am sick and tired of drinking carnation instant milk for my meals. I seem to not care anymore. All the bad news on the board doesn't help. I feel helpless to what's happenening to me. Lots of anger over this.
I want to get this under control before Vegas. I sure wouldn't be much fun to be around if this continues. My resolve is at it's lowest point.
Nothing to look forward to except a slow death.
At this point much to slow for me. I don't want to drag anyone down but it's the worst i've felt since this whole thing started.

Dan

Dan, there isn't one of us who wouldn't wave a magic wand over you if we could. Not one of us, however, is a professional, so anything we say to you is worth what you pay for it. Except this: Get thee to a trained counselor who knows what to say, how you feel, and what to do about it.

No question you are in one tough spot, Dan, and our hearts collectively ache for you. Please ask for help so this part of your life will not be spent being depressed. The cancer most probably cannot be cured, but your depression can be lessened for sure and certain. I do not often speak for anyone but myself, but in this instance, know that we are ALL pulling for you.

Joanna

Dan,
I have to agree with Joanna. The anti-depressants can only do so much for you. You need to vent with a professional and us as well.
I remember your posts at the beginning of your journey. You became consumed with the concern that you may not be getting enough nutrition into you. Do you remember that?
You have to go back to that thinking again Dan. You have to keep up your strength. Force yourself to eat even if you do not feel like it. A full stomach always makes us feel a little better. You are a fighter Dan and we expect no less from you. Please do not give up.
David

Dan,

i feel terrible for you. our minds can be powerful friends. let yours take you to places your love to remember. i always appreciate reading your posts to OCF, so please continue to share your thoughts.

thanks,
larryb

Danny! I need you too much to have you feeling this way! Joanna is right - please find a really good professional right away.
I am always telling Tom how fabulous you are - your positive attitude has been immensely uplifting during what has been the hardest few months of our lives. You must remember that your family - and those of us here - think you are wonderful and we NEED you to keep the faith.....
"Be a good boy" and do not neglect your meals!!!!!! I can't be worried about TWO men not eating at the same time!
I am sending much love, and hope you tell us soon that you've found a great counselor!
Nicki

Dear Dan

I am so sad that you are suffering. I agree with everything Joanna has said. Venting to a professional counsellor may help reduce the family tension, possibly separate counselling for them also?

I love your wonderful strength. You have given so much to me and I have tears in my eyes as I write. I have not walked on your path, but may I suggest looking forward to the OCF gathering as a short term goal? I will be there in spirit and see YOU there, inspiring your fellow members.

I am with you, with love from Helen

Dear Dan,

I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you.

This is not easy to address because your doctor has told you that you will not be cured, and as hard as that is to accept, I think you are doing that--accepting it. One thing that helped Scott tremendously was being able to talk with the hospice nurses and doctors. You can usually sign up with Hospice if your doctor thinks you have 6 months or less. Sometimes you can sign up with them anyway once you are told you are terminal. This is my opinion based on my experience. I know that is a huge step, but I urge you to consider this. Insurance will cover it. Hospice workers are wonderful people to deal with. You won't have to go to a doctor's office to wait, you won't have to schedule appointments, you won't have to go to the drug store. They take care of everything. Best of all, all the members of a Hospice team are trained to help people who feel just like you do. They come as often or as little as you desire; they help you figure out if chemo or other treatments are right for you. They assist you in making decisions regarding pain meds, depression meds, and any other problems you are facing. They can help your wife and your children with grief support and counseling. Being under Hospice care does not mean you have to be bed-ridden and helpless. They help people in all stages of terminal illness.

The hospice nurses and doctor in our town were wonderful. I could not have made it without them. They prepared me for so much during Scott's last few months, and they prepared him as well. We got the one-on-one treatment that we needed. And this is hard to tell you--I hope I don't upset anyone by saying this, but when Scott stopped feeling hungry, the nurse told me that his body was preparing for what was to come.

I am so sorry you are getting so tired and so angry. I am tired and angry for you. Maybe you can get Hospice lined up immediately so that you will feel more in control to get ready for Vegas. There will be so much love for you there, and I know you really want to go.

It breaks my heart that anyone should have to go through this. Dan, you hang on to this: the love you have shared in this life will not dissipate upon your death; it will still be here with every life you have touched, and it will also raise up your soul for the journey to the hereafter. Scott wrote in his journal just days before he died that with all the love he felt in his heart, there must be more than just death waiting for him. I believe that to be true. Love is the only blessing, ultimately, that we are left with, and it is a great and profound thing.

All my love and prayers,
Christine

Hi Dan,
I remember you saying a few weeks ago that you really didn't feel any different physically so I feel like all this you are dealing with right now is emotional. I don't feel that your body is preparing for what is to come, I think you are severely depressed, rightfully so. When you first came on the boards and when you ended treatment I recall you were quite depressed so this may be something you are prone to. Take Joanna's advice and go to a therapist, deal with the emotions of what you are dealing with, it must be so overwhelming. I wish there was something I could do to help. I trust that you will find your way in all of this.
Love,
Minnie

Hi Danny Boy, while others have given strong advice to you on what you should do right now, maybe I can give you my first hand experience of severe depression. I always say that it was depression that nearly killed me not the cancer. I was so down after treatment thinking that there was no more hope in my life and I was a burden to my family and I was so helpless. All these negative thoughts and attitude pushed me to the verge of death until one day my husband and sister in law decided to 'escort' me to the hospital. In fact I had been on anti-depressants at home for quite some time already and there was little effect whatsoever to take me out from despair. I had clinical psychologist coming to talk to me on alternate days and that didn't help much either. When I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, I was under close observation and the psychiatrists (a group of doctors actually) designed a plan to help me overcome the depression.The psychiatrist talked to me every day and monitored the medicine prescribed. In the patients' ward, I had chances for self-reflection and also saw how others suffered even more than me.It took me about a month to get my depression under control and 3 years post treatment, I still need to consult the psychiatrist on regular basis. Danny, depression is common among cancer patients but please do not let it deteriorate. Noone knows what happens to us in the next minute and one thing for sure, your family need you most at this moment. If you feel helpless, reach out for professional help. I want to see Danny with his confidence, strength and courage back.
Karen.

Danny Boy: I have been a member of this board for just a short while but I have so impressed by your positive pro-life attitude. You have given so much to people on this board and many still need your support & wisdom.

There are many new anti-depressants coming on the market each year. If this one isn't working, there are others. Also, the dose may need to be adjusted. The advice from your friends on this board about getting help from professionals, be they mental health or hospice, is excellent. Please see a professional for help with depression. You can feel better & you deserve to feel better. If your days are numbered, you want to enjoy each one, not be depressed! Please, get help ASAP. Candace, Davis, CA

Sister of man with base of tongue cancer, stage IV, dx 4/03, finished treatment 9/03. 12 cancer-free exams.