I dunno if I have any tears left. I went to the new ENT today .. And he thinks the LUmp is def the jaw. I am having another fine slice ct on mon and a pet scan on tues. He says he is very concerned and that people in my case who have no risk factors ...seem to usually have a more aggressive form of the cancer.

He told me straight out that he was nervous and wanted to get to the bottom of this ASAP, and that I need to be followed very very extremely closley and he would have reccomeneded the Rad Tx. He said being seen in May then not again till July was unexceptable. He seems as though he def wants to biopsy this as well , just wants to run the test 1st and I was told I could even lose a part of the jaw during the biopsy ..

So the tears start to flow. Of course I am devasted and overwhelemed , called hubby to tell him as he wasnt with me . get Home he isnt home ..mind you I was an hour away and it took me alteast an hour and 1/2 cus of traffic. He was at neighbors havin a few..So glad he could be there for me when I got home. Dr feels as though good possibilty it is back and I good poss I may lose piece of my jaw , but his friends are more important.

Of course i was upset and didnt bite my tongue I complained that I really coulda used him here when I got home. And not after drinking and why does he even have to ,,it seems like everyday . So we arggue..I hear about how I am nothing , I dont work, 35 years old and havent made anyhting of myself, and going to DIE at 35 as a nothing and a nobody . depending on others ( meaning him ) to support me and he cant wait till it is over. If I dont like his drinking I can get the F*** out . ANd he cant wait till the cancer ends it all .

So at this point I am a mess ..just so you all know..I cant do it. I cant fight with him , my teenage daughter who feeds on this,,to get her own way and the cancer..I am strong but enough is enough.I cant mentally do it all..I was a basket case tonight. They are talking rad and all ..How the hell am I going to do all of this ?

I know take a breathe and see what the test say ..but I am just spent.

Dear Sharlee,
I have been reading your posts and am so worried for you. We are a similar age and I have had similar treatment, although in my case, rad and chemo as well, as the cancer was bigger and in the neck also.
I am so very sorry that after everything you have gone through, you are facing more distress and fear. It may be that this will turn out to be much less worrying than it seems, but I know only too well, that saying it doesn't make you feel it.
I don't know you or your family, but maybe it was the alcohol and fear talking in your husband's case? It's cold comfort when you're on the receiving end I know, but I hope that by the time you read this, things have improved. My own husband and daughter have dealt with all of this is a variety of ways over the last 6 months, sometimes painful for me.
So many people will be thinking of you right now and sending you love, every good wish, hope and positive energy, me included. I wish you all that you wish yourself. You are so right about taking a breath and then keep on keeping on.
I am going away today on holiday, but I will be thinking of you and hope to hear good news when I visit the board in a couple of weeks.
With my very best wishes,
Georgia

Dear Sharlee

We are all here for you.

I know you are frightened and feel very alone right now. But you know that it isn't cancer until they say it is.

I will find an Al-anon meeting place near you. This will be a starting point.
Your husband is a full blown alcoholic. The mean and abusive statements he made to you are unfounded. You are definitely being abused mentally and with five children in the house this is a totally unacceptable living condition.

Your husband needs help. But until he admits that fact you are beating a dead horse.

You need to talk to your family and his family and plan an intervention. It will only get worse until Joe gets the help he desperately needs.

Been there, done that! Petey

Sharlee, maybe you must try a different approach. There are counselling staff at your hospital who are willing and experienced to help you. You just tell them your story and they will help you. You are not alone here. You can meet people in the hospital who are in the same boat as you. Get their phone number or email address. We are here for you at all times day or night. Chin up, pull yourself together, stand tall and change your thinking to saving your sanity. If needed go to your doctor and get medication to calm you. I am not a big fan of medication but when needed is needed. Keep us posted. Carol Ann..ps If it was me I think I would play low key and work on a PLAN to get myself better. After that..deal with the other things as they may. After you get better. Take care now.

Hi Sharlee,

Well, I have to say that my gut reaction is to ask you for your address so I can drive there and KICK your husbands ass. WITH THAT SAID, we all know that everyone reacts differently to how this disease impacts our lives but his reaction is over the top and particularly cruel. Fear can make us say and do some hurtful things but he is over that line, IMO. You need to find a support system outside of your family it seems and your hospital can probably help you with that. Call the social service department and ask for help, you're going to need it. In your shoes, I would ask my husband if he can handle the emotional rollercoaster of you POSSIBLY having to deal with further treatment. If he can't, ask him to dissapear for awhile. Do you have family members that could come and stay with you?
Wish I could help.
Minnie

Hi Sharlee -
I liked what Minnie had to say. Please know that no one understands, sympathizes, and supports you more then this group of OCF members. Kinda picture us as all arm interlocked encircling you and holding you up while you get thru this particularly hurtful situation. Hope you can feel the empathy and allow that energy to lift you thru whatever comes next. Then in the future, you will be offering your vital and "been there" advice and experience to newcomers to OCF. Please keep writing - it's also cathartic. Warmly, JaneP

Dear Sharlee.

Read some from these links. It may help.
Call me or PM me if you need to talk.

Petey

http://www.ola-is.org/

http://www.al-anon.org/forum.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/links/al-anon.html

Dear Sharlee,oh how familiar that all sounds and how many times over the the last 15 years have i participated in similar scenarios, and if you know he cant be emotionally supportive dont ask him to be, because the you will feel endlesly let down,and you have enough to cope with.Find a buddy who you can call or e-mail,get a counsellor or a cancer nurse let him see he isnt the be all and end all.But this is about you not him and any women of 35 with 5 children certainly has not done nothing with their life,so just stand up to him because he is nothing but a bully and bullies are notorious cowards.

Well written ladies...I especially like the circle of members. Without a doubt, this is exactly what we are all doing...Bravo...As stated, find a buddy, a person man or woman that you can talk to...Hang in there. Carol Ann.

I cant tell you all how much you mean to me !! your words can ease my mind and my heart ,,at times maybe only a little ..but ALWAYS . Things were better today. I know it isnt cancer until they say so,..but by the Dr reaction , i know it is a strong possibily and the fact of even havin anotherr biopsy is just overwhelming enough as well as more test ,,I have no Veins left ,it is painful to even go through all that .

Hubby did not apologize ( at least not in the traditional way ..actauly sayin sorry) He isnt so good at that . He did hoever try to go out of his way today to do all the "family things" I nag for. My daughter had to march in a parade today in Saratoga , for those of you who dont know the area ..it is a beautifl town ..with parks and shops all over and COLD STONE ICE CREAM ..hahaha Well as of last night ..I wasnt going to go ...I didnt want to be with the two people who were hurting me the most

Yet i was having a hard time with that as well as that is my daughter and I love her so much , but she needs to understand( teenager or not) That she cant do this to me right now, and unfortunaltley for her ..the world her cant revolve around her right now ( not that is ever really can with 5 of em )

So this Am Joe woke me and was like are you going with us..I was like I dont know .. he asked when I would know and i replied .If I am ready when you leave I will go. My two older boys 10-13 had no desire to go to this parade. But the little two .Gabbie 8 and Alex 6 ..well they were all for it , so they kept talking to me ..MOMMY remeber last year...... and i hoe this year...DOnt you like the parade mommy ... I like the fire truck and on and on .. SO i made the decison to go and as Joe was taking kayla to the school to catch the bus i got up and got ready and then we all went .

He then even stopped at Dunkin donuts to get me my iced coffee that I love.. I however was not beng forgiving at that time and wore my MP3 player the whole way there ( baout 45 min or more) then we got there and parked ..he bought the kids some hats and balloons and the got flags... We watched the parade ..he was talkative ( for him ) and was askin questions on what the Dr said and If i had talked to any of you about it and all. Then he took us to lunch ..My choice !!! although i didnt care where. We went to the park and the little ones rode the carousel. and then we went and got ice cream . and came home ...i was exhausted ,,we had walked alllllll over ..he was even willing to go into all the shops but i was tired. so we came home

I took a nap and he mowed the lawn and then had kids come wake me and ask me if I wanted to go to the beach for a while ( him going to the beach is like trying to pull teeth on somone who wont open their mouth.. lots and lots of coaxing !) We live about 5 min off the lake .SO we took kids and went to the beach and he told them maybe we will go tomorrow after his game.

So while maybe it was the fear, anger and alchol..still hard to handle ..but maybe just maybe he realized how important family things are..fuun family things..It cost us nothing for the beach ..his big thing is MONEY this and MONEy that .

I still wish he could have said sorry ... and maybe gave me a hug ,,although ..i wouldnt really even get close enough today . But I guess in his way this was his sorry . And my best friend of 20 + years said the same thing. AS wrong as he was ..he feels guilty ..yet he cant tell you that and he is trying to make up for it. She live 3 miles from me and that is where I went last night. She told me then Shar I am behind you and beside you always !!And if you have to have RAd and I need to rearrange my shcedule at work to do whatever you need I will.

I do have some GREAT friends and family and inlaws, they all want to help..right now not much they can do...But I want and need the supprot of my husband and mom ( she is another story hahaha),Anyhow , I can do this , I have my moments it seems hopless and like I dont want to ..But I can ..And you all really really are such a HUGE part of this for me ..honestly I love all of you as my true "friends" even though I havent laid eyes on you .AGAIN thanks for being there during the BAD times ..I cant wait To share the GOOD ones with you !! So now my Novel ( or what feels like one ) is done ..Gonna go rest ..been soooo tired and yuck latley ...THANKS to EVERY ONE OF YOU !!

Shar