#34422 01-08-2006 03:09 PM | Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 541 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) |  "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 541 | Nelie,
It is really heartbreaking being deserted by someone whom you have loved so dearly. We can only manage things within our control and for things that are beyond our ability to control, let go. The marital relationship of a couple is something outsiders can hardly understand or give advice. Marriage counsellers may help to some extent but when one party has become stony,the other should learn to be strong to face the adversity. Nelie, this is not the end of the world and you still have a lot of friends supporting you.
Karen stage 4B (T3N3M0)tonsil cancer diagnosed in 9/2001.Concurrent chemo-radiation treatment ( XRT x 48 /Cisplatin x 4) ended in 12/01. Have been in remission ever since.
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#34423 01-08-2006 04:12 PM | Joined: Oct 2005 Posts: 126 Senior Member (100+ posts) | | Senior Member (100+ posts)
Joined: Oct 2005 Posts: 126 | Nelie,
Every time I placed a post you always replied with encouragement and support and I am very grateful and appreciative. I cannot understand why your husband would leave a caring and loving person as you at a time when you need his help the most. He absolutely has no sense of decency, caring or mercifulness.
From my own experiences as a caregiver for about a year now, it takes a lot of strength and courage to be a caregiver to a cancer patient but a real man does not cut and run, cowards do.
You are a very strong person to fight H/N cancer and breast cancer at the same time and you have the strength to overcome this and fight on.
As others have said, we are your extended family and friends and we are here to support you now and always.
Vin
CG to wife;
Jan 2005 DX SCC Tongue T2N1MO; RND surgery Mar 2005; 35 XRT and 4 cisplatin completed Jul 2005.
Dec 2006 tongue surgery, Scar tissue no cancer.
Feb 2010 neck node FNA - negative.
2010 ORN right jaw plus fracture
2015 ORN left jaw plus fracture
Feb 2016 Lower jaw reconstruction by Fibula free flap+titanium plate - Permanent G-tube
June 2016 Difficulty breathing - Permanent Trachea tube
Dec 2019 DX Cervical cancer - Stage 1 - Surgery Jan 16 2020.
15-20 esophagus/larynx dilations
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#34424 01-09-2006 06:17 AM | Joined: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,116 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2004 Posts: 1,116 | Nelie, I am sorry to hear you are going through this stress. Pick up the pieces and live for YOU! I know it is a lot easier said than done, my thoughts are with you. Love, Carol p.s. New York is not that far from Baltimore, if you would ever want to hook up somewhere in the middle!
Diagnosed May 2002 with Stage IV tongue cancer, two lymph nodes positive. Surgery to remove 1/2 tongue, neck dissection, 35 radiation treatments. 11/2007, diagnosed with cancer of soft palate, surgery 12/14/07, jaw split. 3/24/10, cancer on tongue behind flap, need petscan, surgery scheduled 4/16/10
---update passed away 8-27-11---
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#34425 01-09-2006 01:06 PM | Joined: May 2003 Posts: 928 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: May 2003 Posts: 928 | Nelie
I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.... I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.
Maybe a few days away from home will let him know just what he is giving up ....a great girl with a great big heart!
Take Care
Marica
Caregiver to husband Pete, Dx 4/03 SCC Base of Tongue Stage IV. Chemo /Rad no surgery. Treatment finished 8/03. Doing great!
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#34426 01-10-2006 03:42 AM | Joined: Nov 2005 Posts: 79 Senior Member (75+ posts) | | Senior Member (75+ posts)
Joined: Nov 2005 Posts: 79 | Nelie - it really is horrible that someone you care about so much has shown themselves to be so cold and disrespectful. There are no excuses for what's he's done and how he's done it.Sounds like there is a lot going on that has nothing at all to do with you.
I agree with Vin who said you have always answered questions and made comments on this site that illustrate, plain and simple, what a wonderful and loving person you are.
You are sure carrying more than your fair share of all different kinds of pain right now. Hoping, when you are ready, that you feel that speck of light and wisdom that is in all of us, get stronger and help you move forward.
Thank you for all the help and warmth you have given to me and everyone who participates in this forum.
Mary
Caregiver for John SCC left tonsil Stage III/IV dx Sept 05, tx started Oct 21/05 -IMRT 35, cisplatin 3 X 100mg/m2;completed Dec08/05.
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#34427 01-10-2006 04:05 PM | Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,627 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,627 | Hi Nelie,
I agree with Gary, your husband is also feeling many of the feelings we patients get, especially the "homesick" feeling for our old lives. His actions are wrong and unfair to you, he is in the wrong. But be careful to go slow with putting an end to it, leave a door open for him if he manages to get through his emotional crisis. I recently had a close friend that had kind of dissapeared during my treatments come to me and confess that my cancer scared her. She said that her fear of me dying was to much for her to handle it so she put distance between herself and me. She apologized and I told her she had nothing to apologize for, we all deal with our emotions in different ways.
I hope it gets easier for you, remember, that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.
Love,
Minnie
SCC Left Mandible. Jaw replaced with bone from leg. Neck disection, 37 radiation treatments. Recurrence 8-28-07, stage 2, tongue. One third of tongue removed 10-4-07. 5-23-08 chemo started for tumor behind swallowing passage, Our good friend and much loved OCF member Minnie has been lost to the disease (RIP 10-29-08). We will all miss her greatly.
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#34428 01-10-2006 04:47 PM | Joined: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,676 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,676 | Nelie, Are you O.K. today? Amy
CGtoJohn:SCC Flr of Mouth.Dx 3\05. Surg.4\05.T3NOMO.IMRTx30. Recur Dx 1\06.Surg 2\06. Chemo: 4 Cycles of Carbo\Taxol:on Erbitux for 7 mo. Lost our battle 2-23-07- But not the will to fight this disease
:
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#34429 01-10-2006 04:59 PM | Joined: Feb 2005 Posts: 2,019 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | OP Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Feb 2005 Posts: 2,019 | Thanks for asking Amy. Its been a hard day. We went togeht to couples counsleing and I had hoped maybe that could turn things back around but it made it even clearer to me how far out the door he is. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how I can afford to keep the house on my salary.
SCC(T2N0M0) part.glossectomy & neck dissect 2/9/05 & 2/25/05.33 IMRT(66 Gy),2 Cisplatin ended 06/03/05.Stage I breast cancer treated 2/05-11/05.Surgery to remove esophageal stricture 07/06, still having dilatations to keep esophagus open.Dysphagia. "When you're going through hell, keep going"
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#34430 01-11-2006 12:56 AM | Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 | In the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous they call it the "miracle of reconcilliation". Although this is not a drinking issue there are many parallels between the recovery programs for both. In many ways cancer is like a "tornado roaring through the lives" of the caregivers. I would view that fact that he is even showing up for counseling as a positive step. Allow him a little more grace (and space) to get over his resentments. The normal grieiving process can take anywhere between 6 months and several years.
Think baby steps.
It's been said here many times that you can be cancer free but you are never free fron cancer. It's bad enough for a spouse to watch their beloved go through this and then add on their own mortality fears as well. Not even getting into the shattered dreams, fortunes, etc. Give it some breathing space and trust that God has a perfect plan for this.
Focus on what can be changed in you and not him. Stay out of the future and take it one day at a time.
Gary Allsebrook
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Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2
Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy)
________________________________________________________
"You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14 NIV)
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#34431 01-11-2006 09:12 AM | Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 | Hi Nellie,
Everyone here has given you such good advice and support, not sure I can add anything more. I just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. It's not fair to you with all you've been through, but unfortunately life is not fair a lot of times. I'm hoping he's just going through a momentary lapse of sanity and realizes what's at stake here and what he could lose (you). As Gary said, take it one day at a time. My gut feeling tells me he will come back. Hang in there Nellie.
Hugs,
Shelley
Caregiver to husband Ron. Throat Cancer. Finished 35 radiation treatments on 11/21/04. 8/2/11 small lesion on lower gum, laser Procedure to remove. 3/6/12 Doc. removed another lesion on outside of his neck. Did a skin graft from his chest to replace the skin on his neck. Went to Heaven on 6/24/12.
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