Mom had missed her first treatment on Tue. As most of you know, I have been terribly worried of her weekness and falling down and wasn't pleased about her ultra sound of the neck area coming back inconclusive. Inspite of following ALL the instructions of taking care of her neck from rad tx her neck was getting past raw.

On Wed. for the IST TIME since this jounrney began(July) to be exact as far as diagnosis began. I wasn't with her to go to treatment due to having to be at my home (in another state) that day. Later that day, my Dad called to say she was admitted to the hospital. Due to his age 79 10 years ger senior, he awasn't quite clear of what exactly was the deciding factor of her being put in the hospital.

After speaking with the onc. staff on the ward, they said they were going to run multible tests to try and get some answers on the falling etc. and see where we were as far as how the the treatment was going.

I was back at the hospital 1st thing Thursday and waited to speek with the chemo doc. Radiation has stopped completly and the Erbitux trial also ended. In spite af all efforts, one node has disappeared but the main tumor has grown. He said she is too weak for any other chemo at this time but he would be willing to still try if and when she gets stronger but he didn't feel that there was much more they can do. In reality, we all know what this means.

I was able to take her home yesterday. She wasn't very dehydrated even tho they still gave her potassium. I am having an extreme hard time with this. I came back to my home after getting her settled in and fed via tube and explainuing how important to dad it was to keep her pain free.

I feel like I'm abandanding her and the guilt is becoming consuming. But I felt like Mom and Dad should have a little time alone even tho I don't feel like he can take proper care of her (not that he don't want to ...just can't).

I will be going back to her house either tonight or 1st thing in AM. I HAVE set up an appointment from someone from hospice to come to her home tomorrow for help ..again, I can't seem to get over this abandoned issue. I will still stay when I can and go there when I can but I just can't bare to continue to watch EVERY day as the inivediable approaches which seems ironic since I have been mainly living there since it all began.

I have tried to come to terms that I can't do this without, outside help, it still doensn't make it any easier.

What else can I do for Mom. She will konw something one minute, but not the next.

I hate to unload like this but if there is ANYTHING else I can do, I'm asking you, who have been one of my MAIN support groups through this for advice!! Is there any other services/agencies I should check into?

Sincerly,
Dee

Hi Dee,
I am so sorry you are going through this Dee. I have no answers but I am a hospice nurse here in Cleveland. I hope and trust you may find comfort for your parents and yourself in the time you have left together with hospice support and guidance to ease your burden and face your normal feelings. The process of dying is heartbreaking but I firmly believe there is grace beyond the pain and suffering.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Janet

Dear Dee
I am so sorry you are having to go through this .
My elderly parents are in England and as an only child I can relate to your feelings. My parents have both had life theatening episodes in the last couple of years.
Dee, you have done more than most to help your Mum. You will never have to say "I wish I had " or "I should have done ". You have done everything you could have.
Your instincts are right , they do need some time together to face their future.
I wish I had some magic words to say to help you through this, my heart goes out to you.

May your God go with you.
Marica

Dee
Dont try to do the nursing yourself she is you Mom, let proffesionals do the nursing side of things, that what I have done and it has made some special time for us both, my Mom is unlikly to leave hospital this time, so i know how difficult this all is, so get the practical help in place then you can sit and talk to them both..
May your God walk with you on this journey.
Sunshine..love and hugs
Helen

hi dee, i agree with helen let the proffesioals do the nursing your feelings of guilt are normal may god give you strengh to carry your burden.

prayers your way. maz

Dee,

Most, if not all, of us will find ourselves in a similar situation with our parents...unfortunately, it is a part of life, albeit the ugly side of life. At the end of the day we must ask ourselves if we did everything we could under the circumstances. We have to balance our desires, our needs, our responsibilities, our love, our compassion and our practicality, etc. in order to formulate a plan to do the best we can. Guilt should not be something that you need to experience through all this but it will happen.

Do what you can and nobody can ever expect more than that. Find a therapist/psychiatrist/mental health professional that specifically deals with cancer related issues. Take the time to understand your feelings and process them accordingly. Nobody is expecting you to do it all except you.

I am truly sorry for all you are going through right now and especially what your mother and father are having to endure as well.

Ed

Dee,

I can completel relate with your feelings. For one year, my sister fought and lost to this horrible disease. It is a struggle to watch those we love hurt and suffer. I know your feelings of wanting to care for your mother yourself. Although my sister lived with my parents, I made caring and nursing her my main priority.

A hard thing to accept is that you need outside help. My mom and I tried to do it ourselves, but in the end, we couldn't do it all. Hospice was wonderful. My sister's nurse was the most amazing woman I ever met. It's truly hard to believe that a stranger can care for your loved one in the same way that you can, but we found out that all of the hospice nurses are fantastic and really care about all of their patients.

It's hard to rely on someone else, but in the end, it is better for you, your mother, and your father. I pray that God helps you with your decision in caring for your mother. I am keeping your mother and your family in my prayers and am praying for a miracle.

God Bless.

Hi Dee,

I know I'm late in posting this, but I hope it helps. If I were you, I'd check with your local Department of Social Services - most departments have some kind of an adult care program. If they don't have one in-house, they should be able to give you some names of other agencies that can help.

The other person that suggested Hospice was right-on. They were a godsend when my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2002.

Hope this post provides you with some help and comfort. It is a difficult situation for you and I wish you....blessings.

Jenn

Dear Dee,
My heart and prayers go out to you. I know how you feel.
You've done all you can do. Now is the time to say anything that you wish you had in the past, and love her until you meet again.
Love you,
Mandi

Dee,
I'm sorry about the difficult time that you are going through. I wish I could give you an answer that would make everything better. I experienced being a caregiver for both of my parents while they were dealing with cancer simultaneously. The only thing I can say is take each day as it comes and deal with it as best as you can. Some days you will feel guilty and overwhelmed, and other days can really be special. I experienced a myriad of emotions everyday. In my case the inevitable was there too, so I used that opportunity to try to enjoy the remaining time that I had left with my dad. It wasn't always easy because he too experienced a range of emotions and at times wasn't thinking clearly as a result of all of the medication he was taking, in addition to the disease's progression and its overall affect on him. It was very difficult to experience, I truly empathize with you. I was usually with my dad 18-20 hours a day and I'd feel guilty when I'd leave, but you've got to take care of yourself too. It's very important to take some time for yourself so that you can get some rest and recharge for the next day. I know that's not always easy, believe me. By the time I would get home at night, I was so beaten up emotionally that it wasn't uncommon for me to resort to an assortment of anxiety medications, pain killers and sleeping pills so that I could fall asleep. Please, don't do the same. I'm just sharing this with you because I know how difficult it can be and I wouldn't want you to make some of the mistakes I made while I was dealing with a similar situation. As I was able to pull myself together, I found (and this may sound silly to you) that taking deep breaths and trying to clear my mind - if only for a couple of minutes - actually helped me get through the day. I even tried acupuncture in an effort to help me relax. Any respite care you can get is highly recommended. The people at hospice were very helpful, I encourage you to take them up on their offer of help. Also, talk with people about your feelings. I unloaded here at the OCF forum, on the social worker, hospice nurse and my GP who was very supportive through my ordeal. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you are able to find some peace. Best wishes to you and your family.
Dave