Shar
Thank you sooo much for the thought and the cofindence in me. I have been told that I am a good person but the only reason I am that way is because my mom and dad raised me that way. As I am sure you have raised your five kids to be as loving and caring as there mom. It makes me feel really good to hear the things you have said. once again thank you and you are in my thoughts.
Dragon

Dragon,
You are the loving, caring, and strong child every parent hopes to have. I applaud your selfless efforts, love and support you have and continue to put forth. It is a difficult road to have to travel when a parent becomes ill especially at your age. Bravo to your maturity.
I do however echo the advice of others who have posted. You need to take care of you as well in order to continue to be there for your mother.

Please don't hesitate to PM or e-mail any questions or concerns to me.

Mike

Mike
Thank you so much for the beautiful words. It is so good to see someone who has made it so far. If I do come up with any questions I will make sure to ask you thank you for the offer.
Again thank you for the kind thoughts.
Dragon

Dragon...I have written to you privately, but I wanted to add my comments to my fellow Louisiana girl......I have sons who have been sick with worry over me, but they are older and do not live in my city. Your mom is a lucky lady. And I hope that you will see this difficult time as a blessing...a time that will bond you and your mom together in a way that nothing else could do. You will see her in a much more vulnerable way...and you will be called upon to help in ways that your friends are not privileged to serve their mothers. And this intimacy IS a privilege. I hope that you both will see it this way, and that your mother will NOT (Mom, are you listening to me???) pretend to be doing better than she is just to protect you. I hope that she will trust this lovely, loving, mature daughter that she has raised to be strong enough to see her at her weakest moments. It will make you stronger, and will make you a better person, and a better mother when it is your turn.

Laugh about the things that you can't change.....I know all about talking funny, and having water and coke and ice cream...come out my nose...It's what we call "the new normal," and we can't fake it forever. We have to have a safe place where we can be ourselves and not have to hide the changes in our bodies. Don't let these changes change WHO you or your mother are, and don't let them come between you.....Make sure that you are open about them, and even that you can laugh about them (maybe through your tears at times.).....and they will bring you closer. You both have to have a safe place where you can be open and be yourselves. Home, together, should be that place. You might have to be the one who makes that happen.

There are blessings here. Sometimes we have to look really hard to find them.

You see...I feel blessed that I have found the two of you, and I am more blessed than most here, because before long, we WILL get together. You live only minutes from my son, and we girls can easily meet either in Madisonville or in Baton Rouge, which is about halfway between our homes.

You're a neat girl. I wish my sons were just a little younger!

Dear Miss,Colleen
Thank you so much for that beautiful message it means the world to me. My mom does tend to put on an act but in the long run I have learned to see through them most of the time. It is so hard when you know someone you love is hurting and they dont trust that your strong enough to handel it. My mom read that message and I hope that see takes what you have said to heart. This goes out to all the moms, dads, even the aunts ,and uncles, sisters and brothers, WE LOVE YOU WE WANT TO HELP YOU IT HURTS MORE NOT TELLING US AND TRYING TO HIDE IT. You have kept us strong NOW is the time to let us be YOUR STRENGTH. Getting back on track I truly am looking forward to seeing you Miss Colleen.
Sincerly
Dragon

Dear Dragon..and Mom...

I learned a lesson a long time ago. I had just had my first baby, by c-section, (at Ochsner Hospital) and my precious mother had come to New Orleans to take care of us. She was breathless over the idea that her child had had this big surgery. (In those days, you stayed in the hospital for a solid week, and then you crept around for a long time after that.)

I recall a day when she was chopping vegetables for spaghetti sauce in our funny little apartment on S. Tonti Street. I was sitting at the tiny table watching her, and I was droopy and leaning on one hand. She looked at me, and I can still hear her voice (and see her face through my tears....darn these tears!)....as she said, "Honey, Please go lie down." And I said, "But Mama, I can't lie down while you are doing my work."

I learned from that small encounter that when we don't allow people to help us when we need it, WE ROB THEM ...We steal from them the gift they are trying to give us. We take their pleasure away.

We mothers have trouble giving up our roles as caretakers, as fixers....It's OUR job, isn't it?? And it feels great to be needed, doesn't it?

Well.....we need to learn to let someone else have that pleasure....the pleasure of doing small and large things for us....to accept the gifts others would lovingly give us if we would only let them.

We need to relax....SIT in that chair and LEt somebody bring you some coffee..and some toast...or a blanket....or let you take a nap while they walk the dog or fix supper or run to the store. JUST SAY YES.

You give a gift of love when you do....and you get one back as well.

Let go and let others help. They are frightened too, and don't know what to do. Let them know how they can help. Give them that gift. They'll feel better, and so will you. We need help...and if we want their company...and their understanding,.....then we must communicate our needs and not fake our feelings. This only builds walls and shuts our loved ones out.

We feel that we are protecting them. They aren't deaf and dumb. They know when you are faking it and playing the hero. It's a little insulting if we don't take them into our confidence.

Yes, there is a time when if we didn't fake a little, we might be complaining all the time. It's a fine line. But we are talking about your FAMILY...those who love you more than anything in this world and would do anything for you and want and NEED to do something.....need to be allowed "in." Give them that gift.

Boy.....I really got on a roll....and I know that I am writing to convince myself as well as you.

I wish that I had a loving child in my home, one that is willing to do anything in the world for me....one who can DRIVE....and is understanding...

Dragon and mom...have you seem the appliance come in and out? Have you looked inside to see the changes there? That's a great place to start...It brings things into focus...and it is a very intimate thing to do. Do you try to have a conversation without the appliance in? (I am not comfortable with that either, and I need to allow myself to do that more. I am extremely self-conscious about it.) This is a self-imposed hesitation. My husband would be fine with my trying to talk without the appliance.

Enough jabber.....When I first was diagnosed, I made the decision that I couldn't be private with this....I am not strong enough..and for me that was the right decision.

I have to say that only one of my boys has actually looked inside my mouth. He took me to the doctor once....but I wish that the others had had the chance to look.

I do tell them that I am doing fine...and usually I am....but they've all seen me cry (I'm hopeless!)....and I try to keep them posted on every doctor's appointment.

Please take my comments in the spirit I am offering them....I am not trying to control your relationship.....you probably do most of these things anyway...

XO--Miss Colleen

Miss,Colleen
This is goining to sound very much like a teenager but you are so totally awesome a person. I try to go to all my moms appointments and follow everything that she needs to do and if there is anyway I can make something easier on her I sure try to. My mom used to hide away everytime she had to take out her opterator she thought it would gross me out it didnt and now she and I can talk even with it out. I have watched her at home and at some of the app. when I go back with her and I have watched the progress she has made. Through it all I have understood that I am who I am because I could never gross out my parents to the point that they wouldnt be there for me and with that thought in mind I have made a promise to myself never to complain or get grossed out and guess what its worked. If you go into something saying that they would do it for me somehow it just works I guess. We all have our own fights that we need to fight on our own but they usally dont come very often and when they do we need to know that these are the times that those we love are there to give us there stength if only in the form of a funny joke that lifts your spirts. Miss Colleen you are a mom, wife, daughter, and as I am sure you know friend and whenever you feel down and out just remeber this there are people all around you who are willing to lend you there "Wings or there Strength" I know that sounds a little odd but thats the way I see it. At least that is what I try to do with my mom and dad and you will never belive this but my brother to.
Sincerly
Dragon

Dragon

Every time I read your post I am touched. And I wish I could send My daughter ( 14) to talk to you . LOL. She is an Amazing , beautiful, caring and loving young lady , Yet angry and I am sure scared. She does do alot to help. I sent an email to my freind the other day that went like this ...Free teenager .. she cooks,cleans,does laundry, mows lawn, babysits and has Straight A's only problem is she has ME syndrome and thinks I own and Operate a Taxi Service and that Money Grows on Trees !!

She really is good and helps out so much , but is angry and dosent want to talk or face it. I have had ALOT going on since my diag in Jan I am cancer free at this point but 3 weeks ago I had a Total Hysterectomy and the a week ago an Infection so I am off my feet ( or supose to be ) for 8 weeks. She is the oldest of 5 . I would love if she could just talk to you . But whether she would or not is another story .

You just amaze me with the way you handle this with such compassion and grace. You truley are an amazing young lady !!

Shar

Dear Dragon, Never underestimate the impact that some one your age is having....right now....on the rest of us. You are ministering to all of us, as you show your love, support, and acceptance of your mom.

I can't wait to hit the road and get to meet both of you. It won't be too long, I hope.

For tomorrow, I have to go the other direction, to Shreveport. I dropped my obturator today on the bathroom floor, and it bent the clasp that holds it in. I can get it in, but I can't close my teeth! EEK! And I am afraid of doing more damage to it if I try to bend it back. I got the needle-nosed pliers out, and then lost my nerve.

That will be two hours up and two hours back, just to get him to get it to fit again....but I sure have to have it!

Have a great week. You have no idea how you have brightened mine!
XO--Miss Colleen

Dragon's mom....I haven't forgotten about you. I know that you are reading Dragon's posts now, and you know that I am thinking of both of you. WRite me an email, with any question you have.

Shar,
I have a felling that I have a pretty good idea as to how your daughter is feeling, I have a 13 year old brother who when not driving me crazy is usally pretty open about how he feels to me at least. He was the quietest kid you would ever meet and then we moved to louisiana and my mom got sick and well he got angry. He doesnt like to not be in controll you know he likes a very set schedule and when my mom got sick and we had katrina well I guess I can see where you begin to lose that safety blanket that is always protecting you. I thought that...well... I guess I didnt think. He was hurting and my mom was sick and well I think he started to feel like there was no one to protect him anymore. He has me and he has our parents but he cant really see that right now altough I have told him that if he ever needs to I guess you would say hang he can always no matter what come to me. It is hard to say sometimes when it is better to step foward or to step back but like I did with my brother and you will do with your daughter you figure out along the way how to read the waves a little better each day and you will find that even keel soon I promise. Just be prepared for the rough waves too. I was talking with someone the other day and I was really ticked at how my school schedule was changed for the umpteenth time and they said something that really made sense if we had no bad how would we know the good. You and your daughter will treasure the good all the more through all of this and one day you guys will look up and relize you arent angry anymore. I know I ramble quite a bit but in a way being able to ramble helps me alot. By the way I would love to talk to your daughter any time she can pm me or message me and I will try to respond that same day. As I have said before you are a very strong person and I just know that is the way your daughters are to very very strong. Oh wow I hope I didnt go on too much.
Sincerly
Dragon