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I'm done. at least for today. #197521
11-03-2018 07:44 AM
11-03-2018 07:44 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 222
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ConnieT Online OP
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ConnieT  Online OP
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 222
He said he threw up all night again. I asked if he took the nausea meds.

yes I did..but not until right before i ate.
Then he says, you aren't doing me any good when you tell the doctor.

I'm done. He's mad because I told the doctor the truth, but I didn't need to. The doctor yelled at him and said you are not doing what we tell you. The numbers do not add up. You've lost too much weight so you can't be taking in the nutrition. (lost over 60 lbs in 2.5 months) The nurse and the doctor yelled. The doctor told him to stop acting like a 2 yr old. What's getting in the way of you doing what you need to do? He was mad. I'm paying for the doctor and nurse getting on him.

I guess I will be calling the nurse back on Monday and she can call him and let him have it again because he will not listen to anything I say. But I walked out today and said I"m done. Every single syringe is a fight, every day is accusations that I cannot count the number of boxes correctly. Ok, he was this way before he got sick and I put up with it too many years. So i would guess he's getting well enough to go back to his bad behavior, maybe that's a good sign.

Thanks for listening. I'm sure you are all getting tired of me but I am so thankful of all that I have learned. No better support system than those who have walked this path.


Spouse of 56 yr old with BOT cancer
Stage 4a HPV16 positive
3 chemo treatments cisplantin
35 radiation treatments 7000 cGy
former smoker/chewed tobacco for 38 yrs.
Re: I'm done. at least for today. [Re: ConnieT] #197531
11-04-2018 12:14 PM
11-04-2018 12:14 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2
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ValerieA Offline
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ValerieA  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2
ConnieT - I was just about to write a similar post. I am so sick of my husband's attitude and control issues. So I totally understand your frustration. This is our second time going thru this. The first time was 11 years ago, a year and a half after we got married. I had to take care of his wounds, give him meds and food intravenously for 3 months. He was hospitalized for malnutrition and he said it was my fault. Really?! He was awful the first time and I really think I have PTSD over it. It was traumatizing the first time. He had radical neck dissection, half of his tongue removed chemo and radiation. Then 5 years later all of his teeth removed, implants and dentures. Our marriage has been very stressful.

Now here we are again when we have finally gotten over the financial impact of the first time and now this. He said he would be a better patient but he is not. The last two times we went to chemo he was severely dehydrated. Before we even started the treatment I asked the oncologist if we should be proactive and set up extra hydration he dismissed me and said it wasn't necessary. Really?! Now he has had a port put in his arm because the last two times they had to poke him 4 and 5 times to do chemo. They also set up hydration for me to do at home for him. SO the nurse came by Friday to give instructions and deliver supplies to do the hydration at home. That all went well. As soon as she left he started in that he didn't need it. I was so pissed! Then I said we need to come to agreement that we would do it at least 1 time between chemo and he said no not if he didn't need it. Last time before we went to chemo I said he was probably dehydrated and he said no he wasn't he peed all night. Well he was severely dehydrated blood pressure 70/65. So I told him he cannot tell when he is dehydrated and we should just do it as a preventative measure. He was still pushing back. When I get home from work I ask how much he was able to eat and he is really shitty about his answer. Like I'm asking because I'm truly interested in what he ate. Today he hands me his med bottles and says he needs refills. One bottle has over 30 pills in it and it was refilled on Oct 10th. Hmm if he is taking it why is there so many pills. I ask him and again attitude. He says I am treating him like a child. I really am not I think it was a reasonable concern.

I have barely spoken to him since Friday. If he wants to be in charge then fine I'm done. He can't pick and choose when I can help him. I just don't know if our marriage can make it through it for a second time. I am beyond stressed out. We have 2 more weeks of chemo and rads so it hasn't even gotten to the worst part. Thanks for listening. It just feels good to get it out of my head.


Caregiver to husband cancer free for 11 years and now 9/2018 reoccurrance of base of tongue cancer.
Re: I'm done. at least for today. [Re: ConnieT] #197533
11-04-2018 03:12 PM
11-04-2018 03:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 222
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ConnieT Online OP
Gold Member (200+ posts)
ConnieT  Online OP
Gold Member (200+ posts)
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 222
oh my Valerie! I completely get it.

I talked to his oldest son today for 3 hours (he's 31 yrs old). We struggle with how much do you help a person who just attacks you when you are trying to help. My conscience guides me to put up with it and help him but you can only be beaten down so many times. I spend a lot of time with friends and at the coffee shop just for a break.

Someone at church who lost her husband to cancer and now has a SonIL with cancer for the second time talked with me and said she wonders if it's a bit of a man thing as both of those men in her life did/do the same thing. I don't like to put men or women in a category but often we do handle things differently in a crisis.

The thing is, husband is attacking the beloved son now too. We have no answers or direction and when I walk away for a few days, he ends up so sick I have to drive him to the ER. Hugs to you girl....we aren't physically suffering but emotionally being taken down. Cancer sucks.

I've told him that pride is going to kill him before the cancer does.

Last edited by ConnieT; 11-04-2018 03:14 PM.

Spouse of 56 yr old with BOT cancer
Stage 4a HPV16 positive
3 chemo treatments cisplantin
35 radiation treatments 7000 cGy
former smoker/chewed tobacco for 38 yrs.

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