My father was diagnosed 12/18 with stage 4 squamous cell. He had double bypass at the end of April. He had a mandiblectomy 6/13. He was to have radiation and chemo after the mandiblectomy. He was released 6/25 from the hospital after the mandiblectomy and was readmitted 6/27 with severe infections. He hasn't left the hospital since. He was to start radiation this past Monday. I just spoke to a doctor because my father doesn't want to do this anymore. He says he is tired and needs a break. I get it. I do. It's got to be very scary, frustrating, exhausting, etc. No matter what I want, it's not my choice to make for him. Only he can decide when he has had enough. The doctor said that the cancer is so bad they don't think the radiation will do any good. My father is supposed to come home tomorrow. How have you dealt with a loved one at the end? If you were that loved one, what would you want people to do for you? My father is very angry and depressed. He is snappy. I try to stay calm but eventually there is only so much you can take before you snap at the person you are trying to help. I wish I knew how much time he has until his suffering ends. It's so hard to see him like this.

Keleigh, I am so sorry you and your father are going through this difficult time. I would suggest getting in touch with hospice. They are trained to help with end of life issues for both if you and can provide lots of resources to help both of you.

The anger is understandable for both of you. This is intense stuff. Hang in there and contact the doctor's office. They can help with setting up hospice care. Your father may change his mind once the infection clears up. I can't imagine being in the hospital that long.

I am so sorry to read your post. This must be so terribly difficult for your father, you and anyone else who is close. Being hospitalized for such a long period of time is not easy. I stayed for 2 months after my mandibulectomy.

If you are authorized to speak to his doctor they may have some idea of how long he has. It could be nothing more than an educated guess but it might be helpful. Also check into hospice and a therapist. There are specialists that can help you both.

Best wishes to you both. We are here for you too.

Yes do get in touch with Hospice. They are unbelievable.

Keleigh your father is in a very dark place right now and my eyes well up thinking about it. My only experience with palliative care was on the other side of a hospital curtain, when the team came around to speak to my neighbour and his wife. They were amazing. When others don't know what to say, they do.

I hope your father and your family find the support you need. You'll be in my prayers.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My question is why the heck did they wait so long to operate and radiate? I get that he needed a bypass - but 6 months??? That's crazy long no wonder his cancer is running wild. Hugs I don't envy you this. My dad gave up too after having a stroke then a broken hip. I totally understand what you are going through.

I also wonder why the doctors would agree on Chemoradiation if they thought the cancer was so bad, radiation would not do any good, which together is really curative treatment, not palliative? Also, I was in a somewhat similar situation, had similar thoughts, whereby after a devastating 5 days of only induction chemo, all my treatments were stopped such as the rest of the 2 induction chemo's, and the Chemoradiation that was to to follow, not by choice from me or really by the doctors, but saving my life was a priority instead, and cancer became secondary even at stage 4. I wasn't able to do any further treatment until a year later, which probably impacted my recurrences.

Maybe your father does need a break, not too long, to collect his thoughts and strength to fight this disease. Maybe a 2nd opinion to help. As your signature says, .."As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits."

Good luck with everything, and with any decisions made.

Update: He is still in the hospital. They will not allow him to leave, fearing his safety. If he lives with me or my brother there will be periods where he will be left alone. He is unable to even stand. When he does, he seems to pass out. I think I found a nursing facility. I hope to find out today. I have asked the rad doctor to do another scan to see if the cancer has come back because my father has severe headaches again, which the doctor told me could be an indication that it's back. He hasn't done the scan yet and I don't know if he actually will.

Cheryld: I have the same question: 6 months? He was diagnosed in December and at that time was told he needed the mandiblectomy, rad, and chemo. He didn't even have a cardiac cautherization until mid April. I don't know if the doctors just let him fall between the cracks or if he did not want treatment and just wouldn't tell us. I do plan to ask though because I have medical POA.

Keleigh, another option is home healthcare. They may be able to provide assistance for those times he has to be left alone.

It almost sounds like he told the doctors no and they can't tell you because no release is on file. Do you and your brothers have the required paperwork to be able to get information and discuss the care with the doctors?

Okay seriously you need some new drs. Your dad is unable to advocate for himself. With a medical POA you have every right to sit down with the drs. How heck can they even determine what's going on with him without even knowing his status with regards to the cancer? This is guess work and borders on negligence - in order to make a decision and even an adequate diagnosis - you need to know this information before making any decisions. If the cancer is small or localized then he should have rads as it can be curative.

If he's not at a CCC - he needs to be moved to one (likely an up hill battle - but a necessary one.) if he is adamant about wanting to die that's one thing, but he needs to have all the info first - because scary thoughts are part and parcel of the diagnosis and can play marvelous head games with a patient.

Push push push - you need answers. The wait was far too long. Chances are he did fall between the cracks and older people tend to revere their drs. And take their word without question. IMHO most drs are amazing and while you are with them they have your best outcome at heart but they are also human and make mistakes - forget things. No one can advocate for a patient like a family member or loved one. Hugs best of luck.