I posted the message below in introduce yourself and perhaps I should have posted here.
How on earth does someone move past such pain?



Hello all.
I'm sorry to even have to say this, but my love is gone. Doug passed away at 5:22 am march 20th.
I am beside myself with grief and pain. Not only did I lose my love, I lost his family because of religion and his life insurance because no matter how hard I tried Doug would not tend to end of life details. His life insurance was left in his ex wife's name for over 15 years'! I know he never meant for any of this to happen but it did!
Grief and anger come in waves and I don't know how to handle it all.

If I could say one thing to the sick- Please please, it's not giving up by making sure everything is in order for your loved ones. Losing you would be pain enough, let alone lose everything you worked for. And please let all of your family know your last wishes, don't leave your loved one fighting for what your wishes were like my husband did.
Grieving is so awful, anger and loss only amplifies your loss.

At times my pain is so great I don't think I could take another breath. There are moments I pray he is up there seeing what anguish he left me with and more often than not I pray he never sees the pain.
_________________________
Cheryl
1st post under(Introduce Yourself Re:I've waited too long)
Caregiver to Doug
Dx 8/31/10
Stage 4 HPV(?) SCC Tonsil, Tongue, Jaw and Lymph-nodes
98% Glossectomy
Bilateral Neck Dissection x 2
Trach and PEG indefinitely
Palliative weekly Chemo
Carboplatin-Pemetrexed-Erbitux

Oh Cheryl! I am so sorry for your loss.

Its terrible what has happened with his insurance. Thank you for mentioning this to other members. Your post could help others avoid the horrors of what you are going thru.

In time let the memories of happier times help to ease your pain.

I am so sorry for your loss! Take each minute at a time and work up to each hour, day, etc. Let yourself grieve and seek comfort in the memories you have of Doug. Keep yourself surrounded by those that love you as well.

Thank you for posting about getting affairs in order. Ken was very good at this and I always tell people how "lucky" I was that he was so prepared - right down to a list of passwords put away for all of his accounts, etc.

I have no words, but lots of tears for you at the moment. I share your grief with you, even tho we have never met. Praying time will heal your hurting heart. xo

Still hanging on, the pain of loss so intense. In two days it will be a month since I lost him. I wonder.....can that day be any worse? How can I survive it?

Allow yourself all the time you need to grieve, but work to avoid asking the question about things getting better.

They will, because your grief is as bad as emotions can be. Your mind knows that his suffering is at an end, and he is at peace now.

Simply not allowing your mind to dwell on questions like that give your mind the space to realize that, but right now the grief prevents it.

Allowing yourself the freedom to grieve unreservedly now, without the self-pity that your question invokes, will allow the grief to take its natural course and allow you to return to a normal state soonest.

And please do not be offended by my use of "self-pity." I mean no offense, it's a natural reaction, but it still needs being avoided if you want to return to normalcy. It's very destructive.

Best wishes for you Cheryl,

Bart

Cheryl, I am so sorry for your loss. You advice to others about being prepared is very wise, anyone could find themselves in the same situation...it happened in my family too. My brother died suddenly, 5 months after marrying the love of his life. He too had not taken care of the detail of updating his insurance beneficiary from his previous long time girl friend. In the end, after being allowed to attend my brother's funeral, the old girlfriend was told of the confusion...and decided to keep the money. It was very painful for all involved. It's awful to have to have those kind of discussions, but they save the surviving family members a lot of heartache. I'm so very sorry this happened to you.