#1 on my list is mind-over-carcinoma, as in: "You can beat this with the right attitude."

Really? So if I don't beat it, my attitude's the cause?

Don't get me wrong, I'm brewing up some good feisty attitude. It will help me endure the extreme physical testing and losses of treatment. It will spur me to fight as hard as I can for my life. And it will help me find the good days and moments despite it all.

But save me? No, that's down to luck and medical talent, not attitude. Whenever well meaning folk tell me it's all up to attitude, it feels as though they're blaming everyone who's lost the battle to cancer, including my parents.

What do you hate to hear? Please don't leave me alone with my rant

Mama

You're not alone. The thread was started four years ago and continued over almost 50 pages!

Whatever the "NOT what to say" to an OC survivor can depend on the mindset of the survivor at the particular moment of the verbal exchange and the reaction to it can change at any day or moment. Early in my son's Tx, as he walked out from the Rad room, I cheerily said, Yay! only 33 more to go! That upset him so much, I never commented again about how many more treatments he had to endure. Then, when he only had a few more Tx to go, he himself cheerily brought up how few more treatments he had to go. In addition, the message sent is not always the message received. The one making the not-well-received comment, may have the best of intentions, only wanting to help, to encourage but not having had the same experience cannot possibly know the brutality of the Tx the survivor is experiencing nor the level of his/her depression which in itself can only be improved in very small steps. Seems to me that the well-meaning commenter is the one who is better able to take a cue from what the OC survivor likes or doesn't like about any message he/she receives. The OC survivor has too much to deal with already in just surviving, to think about "attitude" but if he/she can be helped to find something, even a very small sign of progress in recovery, it may help.

Mamacita - I like your feisty attitude - it shows you are taking control in surviving whatrever life throws at you!

I agree with you Mama. Save the rah, rah. If attitude matters that much, few of us would get cancer, could cure themselves by just wishing cancer away nor would we die, especially at young ages. It's our genes that matters, health care, diet, lifestyle, luck, karma, depending on ones beliefs. Hope, and doing the best you can, may be different. My doctor said I'm like a cat with nine lives, and I hope it's 10.

People are also apt to say really stupid things to the caregivers of survivors. On our vacation, one of our doctor friends told me that my husband did not look as good this year as he did last. As he was coming down with a summer cold, that was likely true, but it effectively ruined the whole vacation for me. Now I have to decide whether to write him a letter or direct him to this site.

Anyway, rants welcome here!

Well I surely don't like it when people tell my that ill back to normal in no time. I will never be back to normal even if the surgery is a resounding success I will not be "back to normal".

A lady at church asked how I was doing mid-treatment. I told her I was doing surprisingly well. She told me not to worry, it was going to get much worse. I laughed out loud but it sure PO'd my wife!

Had a lady at church tell me "you don't look like you feel good" soon after my radiation treatments. It upset me so much! I stopped attending that church.

I was at court the other day (I'm a lawyer), after just having some laser treatment which results in bleeding and bruising around my neck scars...I got back to my office and already people were calling my partners (notably not me) to see if I was ok, because I "didn't look good". Apparently the rumors were flying for a second time that I was dying...

I then, same day, went into the store in our building and the counter person said "whoa - battle scars". I smiled and said "cancer", and she was speechless, then wished me the best.

At this point, all I can do is shrug and let it slide off. The people that matter know the drill, and that's all that matters anyway.

For the most part people don't mean to be insensitive - it's kind of like asking the overweight woman when she's due to give birth. People are just dumb sometimes.

"Heck of a way to lose weight isn't it?"

Love that one!

"T"