I am so scared this time around. This third reoccurance has me stunned and numb and this time just chilled to the bone. Not only is this my husband's third occurence of cancer is 5 years but he also had a major heart surgery in June. They replaced his aortic valve and did a CABG 4. I worry how much more his body can take. His spirit is good, mine not so much. I know I have to keep fighting and so does he...I just am at a point where I ask,"how much more?" I really need to talk to someone. If anyone has an idea as to what I can do please help. I talk to god alot but now it doesn't seem to comfort me anymore....

We're here to listen - its okay to need someone - you should like you need a break. Grab a friend and go to a movie or something. It will help clear your head. It know it's terrifying the thought of losing someone you love. But there are a few people here who've had several recurrences, and they're ok now. Think positively hugs and take care!

Bette - Being a caregiver does get pretty scary and we all need someone to talk to or to feel not so alone. Sometimes just getting your thoughts down helps to keep them from swirling around in your head. Maybe you could check with the hospital where your husband is being treated to see if there are support groups where you could meet in person with others going through similar experiences. Or perhaps talk to your doctor about what you are feeling to see if he might be able to prescribe something to help relieve some of those anxious feelings. What helped me when my son was in treatment, was keeping busy and just going one day at a time - sometimes it was just moment to moment. I can tell you that for me, just coming here to vent or express my fears was a lifesaver and it helped me to hold things together and to help my son. So do come here often, - there will always be someone to listen or offer an idea or two. Think about taking a break as Cheryl suggests. It does help and if you can take time to care for yourself, it will make you stronger to be able to continue giving your husband the excellent care that you have been giving him.

Bette

See my other post on your Can't sleep thread.
The advice is the same. But for this one, let me add that in addition to Zoloft and Xanax, we went on line to find the nearest head and neck cancer support group. It's a half hour drive away at a hospital we never used and only meets once a month, but it really made my wife feel less alone. She did worry about scaring the other members since all of them had not had even one recurrence, let alone two, but in a way it let that group face their real fear: the cancer could come back and see that there is still life afterwards. Plus they do talk and cry and all that stuff.
So get the pills and find a head and neck support group.
I am so sorry this has happened to you and Reggie. Life is cruel and unfair sometimes. Still we have to stand our ground and do what needs to be done
Charm

I have been reading everything I can get my hands and eyes on because I am somewhat nieve about this BOT. I am really concerned that this reconstruction is really gonna be devastating. Thankfully we see the reconstruction surgeon on Wednesday. I have so many questions. Is it just the tongue that will be reconstructed? Or will they be taking away part of his throat and face? Or does anyone really know until it happens? The first 2 times with the cancer dx everything happened very quickly and I really didn't have much time to dwell or think about it. This time it is not playing out that way. We have suspected since early September and the biopsy results came back on October 21st. We saw the otolarygologist that will do the resection surgery just last week and until we see this surgeon this week nothing is set in stone and I really don't like that and neither does my husband. We both want the ball rolling. Patience is not a good virtue of mine.

Bette, hopefully you have read my replies on your other thread.
The surgeons do not need to cut the skin of the face away . They simply peel it back and then sew it down again after the internal reconstruction has been completed.
How much internal reconstruction is needed depends on the extent of the tumour. I am presuming that Reggie has had a MRI or other scan to tell the Drs the extent of the tumour.
Kris had part of his pharynx removed too along with the bilateral radical neck dissections. They did not have to cut any of his face away.
I hope you are a bit more relaxed now. I know though that until treatment starts it is just incessant worry. Go get the anti anxiety meds. Coffee with friends is good, but not good enough.
Always here to help you, Tammy

Well everyone, thank you for yur kind and encouraging words. I'm just so anxious. My husband and I both agree we want to get to the 5th and get this surgery over with so that we can begin the act of healing and recovering. Reggie is calling me a maniac right now. I can't sit still. I can't focus. I have lists laying all over the house of things I don't want to forget to do or take on our trip to the city for the surgery. He says my list have lists. I think I'm totally bonkers right now. Got some meds from the Dr. but said it would take 30 days before I could start to calm down. It's part of my DNA to try and hurry up and fix things right away. Out of my control I know. I think even God is telling me to chill out. It's just hard. Thankfully this week is a holiday and we are going to see our daughters and the grandkids. I really pray that will take my mind off the ugly stuff.

Bette,

Honey you need to chill...and instead of taking meds that won't chill you out for a month, get a script for some medical mj and vaporize a bit or you'll blow a gasket. Holy crap honey you have me worried. Deep breaths....relax...deep breaths...you've got to lower your stress levels as you'll transfer that to Reggie which is harmful to him.

Stress releases the hormone cortisol, which counteracts insulin, which will further hinder his digestion and absorption and weaken his immune system. So chill anyway you need to. Personally I use mj to help calm down and sleep...it has the added benefit of making me hungry too so it keeps my weight up.

Hang in there my friend...thoughts and prayers, love and peace.

Eric

Well, Bette - When both God and Eric are telling you something important - then you better listen! Knowing that you need to "chill" and doing it is hard to do. But it is doable in small steps. Deep slow breaths and concentrating on just the breaths. When other troublesome thoughts get in the way, start over. Give yourself a time limit for worrying, like 30 seconds and substitute some good things that are happening like being with your daughters and grandkids over the holiday. Put away all your lists in a bag someplace.THey will still be there when you get back to them. Some things I did when the anxiety got so bad and I felt like I was going to explode were: Deep breaths, exercise like toe touches, walking, hot baths, hot tea with a little brandy in it, and keeping busy. Maybe the doctor could prescribe something that would work a little faster than 30 days? And one of the best things is coming here often. Just knowing that someone is here to listen really does help. Hope you feel lots better really soon.

Hi Bette,
I was just like you in the beginning. I had lists everywhere too and we didn't have surgery or have to go anywhere for tx. I was climbing the walls until we actually started tx. You will find once that happens and you're in fight mode, it will get a little easier.
I'm thinking Xanax would be something you should look into. It's fast acting and just helps you regroup. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but somehow you have to slow down or you will end up not feeling well too, and that won't be good. I'm so glad you are reaching out to your family here. We know what you are feeling and want you to know you will get past this part of things soon.
Blessings for a peaceful, funfilled Thanksgiving with your daughters and grandkids!! I love being a Grammy!!
Kathy