Last weekend my dad asked me and my sister to help go through my moms clothes, as they are all still where she left them when she left us 3 months ago. It is something we've all been dreading and avoiding... not sure if seeing them still there or not seeing them there at all is harder. My aunt asked us to put some aside so she can make us quilts which I'm very happy about. I also kept a few things for myself on those days when I just want to smell her and feel her hug.

As I started with her top drawer, I came across a plastic bag with some old cards and pictures in it. While sorting through, I saw two letters, one to me and one to my sister. I lost it immediately of course. She must have started writing them while still in treatment, because it didn't sound like she knew she was dying. In fact, by the time we learned she was dying she was barely able to hold pen to paper, so I'm sure it was during treatment in January. She didn't get to finish mine, it said "save and finish" written on the back, but what she did get a chance to write was more than I could have asked for. It was what I already knew, what she had told me all the time, but to have those words in writing to keep forever means more to me than I can express. She told me how grateful she was to me for being her caregiver, that no matter what other troubles I had in my life at the time she could always count on me to be there for her, to be her support, her comfort, her protector. And how proud she was of who I had become. I can't thank her enough for this, and for being the amazing mom she was.

We didn't get to finish going through all of her things in one day, physically and emotionally drained. I'm not sure I'm ready to get back to it so soon, or if I'm ready for all of her personal things to be hidden away already. But seeing them in their usual places is such a sad reminder too. Curious, how long have you all waited before tackling this?

We are coming up on the year anniversary of her diagnosis so this month and the next 8 after this are going to be real hard for me. How have you handled coming up on these anniversaries? I am currently in grief therapy which I have found to be very helpful, but when I go home to see my dad I feel like being in that house sets me back every time...

I know with time it will change, but with the wound still so fresh, it feels like that time will never get here.

My mother-in-law left her husband's clothing for almost a year. There are no rules. It should be what your Dad wants and what you can handle. Now that you have seen the scope of the task, break it into sections and take this time to find out who would want some of her things as a reminder (girlfriends or sisters/inlaws) and what organization would benefit from receipt of these items. I find too often families forget a person's friends when the friends would love to own and be comforted by say a sweater she often wore.

Donna

Thanks, Donna! Great suggestions, I have often felt like we should only be allowed her things because we were closest to her, but it would be nice to share some of her things with friends.

Aimlee - I was sooo happy to hear about your Mom's letter to you!! I remember when you first joined us here you were so hoping for a sign - like a butterfly or some other message from her. Now, isn't a letter so much better than a butterfly? It's good to hear that the grief therapy is helping. About what to do with your Mom's things - When my mother passed away, she was in an assisted living apartment. One of her dear friends who also lived there helped me with getting the people from the apartments together and letting them know we would be available on a certain day and time and for them to come and see what things of hers they might like to have. I don't know if something similar would work for you. Perhaps you could have a day for the friends or relatives to come and share their happy memories of your Mom and see what they would like to have of hers. If there are any sewers among the friends or family, they might like to make some nice pillows or a quilt out of the fabrics of your mother's things.

Thanks so much, Anne-Marie! You're sweet for remember when I first joined, I have desperately been looking for a sign, and you're right, the letter is far better than anything I can imagine. A good friend of mine said she got a visit from her the other day though haha and she told her it's not her style to come as a butterfly, she is more of a grass person I had a dream about her a month ago, first one I've had about her since she passed, it was the first night I was staying in a town on Cape Cod where we vacationed as a child and shared many important memories. She let me cry with her, mourn with her, in a way I'm unable to do with anyone else, in a way I could only do with her. I really needed it. Though I wish I could have it every night, though I was so comforted by it, it also made me miss her so much more.

I like your idea of having some of her friends come to the house to help go through her things and share stories. We haven't had everyone together since her funeral, so it might be nice.

Well, I kept a couple of my moms night gowns and I wear them!! I have some of her jewelry, my oldest has her engagement and wedding ring and my youngest has my dads wedding ring. I have plants from their flower beds, lamb ears and hosta that SHE planted at my house when I first moved in. I have wall hangings she had that I kept. It was tough and I can't remember how long it was before my dad asked for her stuff to be removed. Now a couple weeks ago, a neighbor woman who was 100 passed away. The family put alot of her stuff outside in the front like a yard sale and put a sign up and said that the woman would love for anybody who wanted her stuff to take it and God Bless. I got a couple things one day, I love old glass dishes and plates, and than they had out Old Christmas ornaments AND a HUGE pine cone wreath, I was walking my dogs in the morning when I would look and hurry back home and get my car for the few things I couldn't carry. I am going to redo the pine cone wreath with the antique ornaments and see if her son and daughter in law down the street from me would like it, they used to always bring back my lil mini pin who ran away to their house all the time so I thought this would be nice thank you to them. Also got about 10 old broaches I love old jewelry. I think they are sterling silver maybe...and a couple cameo broaches and some saphire looking ones. That's MY birthstone too. Love the antique glass ornaments! Just like what I have upstairs of my grandma's and mothers.They have to be close to 75-100+ yrs old! Maybe this year I will do an old fashioned Christmas tree. She had a braided rug out there...still debating on that one. Alot of jewelery but I didn't want to be hoggish. Good Luck and just keep smiling bout the "good memories" and when you look at her stuff later on that you have kept, be happy you had such a great mom! We have a Volunteers of America store a block away that I give alot of stuff to them. But I'd check with friends and family first before you give away anything. Good luck!

aimlee,
at some point, you will find that the fresh wound heals a bit, but that her absence comes to mind again and again when there is something you want to tell her or share with her, but she is not physically there. I still get those moments 8 years after my mother's passing. The most recent one was something my nephew, a compostion PHD candidate, told me. He took his first music lessons from my mother when he was 4 or 5 - and besides playing the piano, he and I would sing together and my mother would play. One of our favorites was La ci darem la mano from Mozart's Don Giovanni.
So, fast forward 23 years to a group of young musicians playing a benefit in New Orleans, from the roof of one of the houses in the restored musician's quarters. My nephew is at the keyboard, and he has a baritone, and a soprano with him, and not enough sheet music. The soprano says that La ci darem would good, but no music for the piano. My nephew says, I've got that covered (he has an amazing memory) ... and so they perform.
When he told me this story, I had one of those - damn, I can't tell her about this moments - shortly followed by the epiphany that perphaps it wasn't necessary. aimlee, all the good and kind things that your mother did, that my mother did, are not lost: they have gone on to make more light and happiness and goodness in the world.
When the spirit moves you, sit quietly for a moment, and then think where gifts would be appreciated. My niece helped with the clothes, but it took me over a year to completely go over her room.
Maria

Hi aimlee. I love that you and your sister found the letters from your mom. I lost my mom 5 years ago September 28th to Pancreatic Cancer. She died at home and I still find it difficult at times being in my parents house without her there. It has gotten easier with time. My father still has all my mom's make-up, perfumes and brushes and combs on her dresser. All her undergarments are still in the drawers but he did donate most of her clothing that was in the closets. My parents were married for 56 years and my dad is so lost and sad without her.

My father won't let my sister and I have any of my mom's jewelry etc. until he dies. I wish I had some of my mom's things just to have them close to me. My daughter, Pam, who is my parents first grandchild is getting married next Friday. I wish my mom was here to share this special day. She was always so proud of Pam.

Everyone deals with grief differently so I try and keep that in mind when I get upset with my dad for holding onto my mom's things. I would love to have her handwritten recipes but I will just have to wait.