Last weekend my dad asked me and my sister to help go through my moms clothes, as they are all still where she left them when she left us 3 months ago. It is something we've all been dreading and avoiding... not sure if seeing them still there or not seeing them there at all is harder. My aunt asked us to put some aside so she can make us quilts which I'm very happy about. I also kept a few things for myself on those days when I just want to smell her and feel her hug.

As I started with her top drawer, I came across a plastic bag with some old cards and pictures in it. While sorting through, I saw two letters, one to me and one to my sister. I lost it immediately of course. She must have started writing them while still in treatment, because it didn't sound like she knew she was dying. In fact, by the time we learned she was dying she was barely able to hold pen to paper, so I'm sure it was during treatment in January. She didn't get to finish mine, it said "save and finish" written on the back, but what she did get a chance to write was more than I could have asked for. It was what I already knew, what she had told me all the time, but to have those words in writing to keep forever means more to me than I can express. She told me how grateful she was to me for being her caregiver, that no matter what other troubles I had in my life at the time she could always count on me to be there for her, to be her support, her comfort, her protector. And how proud she was of who I had become. I can't thank her enough for this, and for being the amazing mom she was.

We didn't get to finish going through all of her things in one day, physically and emotionally drained. I'm not sure I'm ready to get back to it so soon, or if I'm ready for all of her personal things to be hidden away already. But seeing them in their usual places is such a sad reminder too. Curious, how long have you all waited before tackling this?

We are coming up on the year anniversary of her diagnosis so this month and the next 8 after this are going to be real hard for me. How have you handled coming up on these anniversaries? I am currently in grief therapy which I have found to be very helpful, but when I go home to see my dad I feel like being in that house sets me back every time...

I know with time it will change, but with the wound still so fresh, it feels like that time will never get here.