hello again:

Well it has been just over a month since my dad has passed. My mom, who was his caregiver, does not want to be home. She does not sleep there unless she absolutely has to. She will usually come to my house, I live about 4 minutes away and hangout with the grandkids (i have two girls ages 11 and 3)..She will run home a few times throughout the day BUT will not stay at her house overnight alone. She actually prefers not to be there, even if someone stays with her. It is very hard to be there. This is where my dad was sick for 2.5 years, and passed. I have not been there in about a week, and that is a long time for me. My oldest, who was very close to my dad, hasn't even asked to go over there, which is very odd :-(.. I do not know how to go about this. Do I start bringing the kids over there and hang out in the yard, and let them play, like I usually would? Start new memories, but still sit around and laugh at the old ones? My heart just aches for my mother. They were married for 38 years, and she just turned only 56 years old. This was the only man she ever loved; her days went from being so busy with taking care of him to having all this "free" time.. to lose him and to watch him suffer, I know has forever changed us all. Thank you again and any advise and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and as always respected..

xoxo always
nicki

Nicki - I'm so sorry for your Mom's loss, and yours, too. It must be so sad for everyone in your family. A month since your Dad's passing isn't that much time. We are all different in how we process loss and everyone does it in their own time.It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help ease the sadness. It does help to have children around and being able to think and laugh about the happy times you remember with your Dad. Whenever there is a life change, having to get used to a new way of doing things, there is that "what now" feeling - an emptiness - until a new routine and new responsibilities can be established. Your Mom is still so young - perhaps she could use some grief counseling? Just being able to talk to someone and share the feelings can be helpful. - Or even keeping a daily journal of feelings and thoughts that can be referred to later if need be. Would she consider having a pet to care for? Even if it's just on a temporary basis? It does help to keep busy with a new routine each day, maybe volunteering at a local hospital or animal shelter. There is a really good little book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by McWilliams, Bloomfield and Colgrove which really helped me a lot when I was grieving over a loss. It is a collection of short meaningful phrases and it encouraged me to start my own similar journal. One thought I remember from the book went something like "I can't make it to church today, God - please make a house call". I hope that in time, you and your Mom and the rest of your family can be able to find some peaceful moments to soften the sadness and share some of the happy times spent with your Dad.

Anne-Marie:

Wow, your words really touched me. You are absolutely right about everything you said. The day my dad started his Erbitux last July, we came home and I let their dog out and she ran outside and we believe she had a stroke or heart attack. I looked up into the sky and I asked GOD why why now! The best dog, she was like a person. My poor dad didnt even realize what had just happened. I know my mom misses her dog. She was a huge part of our family. As far as another pet, I did run that by her and because of some "financial issues", we are not sure if my mom will be able to stay in her home or have to move out and rent somewhere. So, she doesnt want to get a pet, and then have an issue of trying to find a place that accepts pets. I can only pray that she will NOT lose her home.. Ugh, its one thing to lose someone, then the financial part of it, makes it that much harder. I am going to look into those little books for her as well. As for the grief counseling, we could definitely use it! Thank you again Anne-Marie.
xoxo
Nicki

Hi Nicki,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know all too well how it feels to lose a parent to this dreadful disease. My mom just passed away 3 short months ago. There are some very similar parallels in our stories. My sister lives only a mile from my parents house and has 2 children as well, one is 10 and the other just over a year. My dad spends a lot of time there as well, but it is more my sister that has a hard time being at the house rather than my dad. It is extremely hard for me too, but she avoids it quite often, as well as avoids bringing the kids there. Lucas, her oldest, was VERY close to my mom, and I'm afraid that they are repressing their emotions rather than dealing with them right now. I know it is still very early on, and over the next few months you will experience a whole other spectrum of feelings, but in my experience it is better to deal with them as they come so it isn't so hard a few months down the road when the weight of them is that much heavier. I began seeing a grief therapist a few weeks after my mom passed and it really does help to have someone to talk to. I have also looked into grief groups for women who have lost a mother... maybe it would be good for your mom to find a support group for those who have lost a spouse.

It is good that your mom has you and your family to help her through, especially the kiddos, I know they are really the only ray of sunshine in our lives as we go through this right now as well. But your mom needs to make sure she doesn't use them as too much of a crutch either. I'm afraid the longer she stays away from home the harder it will be for her to return. I understand how overwhelming the feelings are, this must be so hard for all of you

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry that any of us have to. Sometimes I wonder if this all really happened because it just feels so unbelievable. Reality can be pretty harsh when it hits. Please let us know how you and your family get on and keep coming back for support.

Hi Amy:

I am terribly sorry for your loss too. You are absolutely right when you said that the oldest kids may be repressing their emotions rather than dealing with them right now! Very true and I never thought about it that way! I only have one sibling, a sister, she is only about 18 months younger than me. Unfortunately, she is out of work, lives about 25 minutes away, but never has the gas to get out here. NOW THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT TOPIC! lol.. If she was able to come out more then maybe my mom would stay more nights at her house because she wouldnt be alone. I am married and have the two girls and my husband suddenly lost his father about 6 months ago as well! So it can also put a lot of stress on our marriage. He comes home from work and mother in law is here! lol.. but I explained to him, that I just do not know what to do :-(..
Again, thank you for your response and I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother to this horrible disease. Way too much suffering..
xoxo
nicki