Wow...Ron is totally out of control with anger. He has been so mean to me the past couple weeks. He won't do anything for me anymore, like help feed the dogs or cats says they aren't his, called me an &!#$&^% princess last Friday cuz I went to my daughters after work to get a mani/pedi for a family wedding I went to Saturday. He gets mad at me cuz I watch Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef cuz it has food and he says my life revolves around food...he yelled at the TV News one night when they did a spot about Susan G Coleman cancer walk, said he's tired of hearing about Cancer...last night he told me he was leaving me, he is going to miss me than he called me a female dog...he is taking liquid Oxycodone...AND yes the idiot is drinking beer thru his feeding tube, I told him last night to leave, I can't help him anymore, part of me wants him to leave part of me wants him there...more parts wants him gone. He stopped helping me with the stuff he used to buy, like coffee, TP, dog food/treats/cat food/litter that was what he would contribute to the house as well as pay the 3 mo water/sewer bill and the house real estate taxes monthly...all he's done was give me $10 Saturday since he had his surgery June 30th...oh and on top of getting mad at me he got mad at the dog too! Poor thing she had no idea why she was being yelled at as she was sleeping peacefully on the bed. I swear I was so close to reaching over and yanking out his trach and feeding tube! Smoking yes still going strong, guess he will only stop when he's dead and he seems to be wanting to go in that direction. Maybe he shouldn't have had this surgery...told me I'd be better off if he leaves, and I believe I will too.

why is there a smiley face by my name? i wanted a crying face

You are allowed to cry, but your face is far too important to Ron that it be smiling. Force a smile everyday. Focus on your blessings - I know there are many, just hard to see right now. I acknowledge that it is just as hard if not harder for the CG because you have to hold everything together....but only in front of Ron. Go off with friends, cry on someone else's shoulder. He needs you to smile. Reach out to your friends to help you get through this.

Caregivers have such a difficult and often thankless job. Ron has no idea how hard it would have been to get thru this without you there helping him every step of the way. Nobody should be treated with such a lack of appreciation! Ron sounds like he cant cope with his illness and takes it out on anyone and everything in his path. That is so unfair to you and all the little pets too. Ive never liked bullies and that is how he has behaved. I can only hope that one day he realizes everything you have done for him and will show you some appreciation and thanks. Ron needs to come to terms with his illness and understand that his attitude is hurting those who love him. His smoking and drinking is detrimental to his recovery. I have a very hard time understanding how anyone who has gone thru treatment for OC could even consider picking up another cigarette. That is like begging for a recurrence.

I was looking at some events my local hospital offers. They have several groups for caregivers. That could be a good place for you to find some face to face help. Take care of yourself and know that you have done a good job and you dont need Ron to say it, you know you did the best you could. Im sure you would benefit from going to a caregivers support group. Be strong! You know its not you he is angry at. Its the cancer and Ron just has his anger misplaced.

Sue,
I am a caregiver as well and we are often emotionally drained. I am currently in counseling to get the support that I need. She said something today that rings very true. If my husband gets cranky or upset he sometimes snaps a bit. My counselor said that I should remember: sometimes destructive behavior is rooted in fear. If your husband takes things out on you perhaps it is his fear coming out in ways that are not fair but might mean that he is really afraid. I asked my counselor how I should react if my husband says something that feels hurtful. Again she came up with good advice: if he says something that is inappropriate or hurtful then you need to calmly say that what he just said hurt me and so I need some space.
Try not to engage in some of the fighting and walk away. As Christine said, you know that you are doing everything that you can. When this has all passed then you can make whatever decisions you need to. In the meantime, try to untangle and disengage when he gets rough, you DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!!!!!

Suez - Such good advice above. You need to find some face to face help for yourself. In addition to the illness making him so angry and hurtful, the alcohol alone can turn a person into a monster as well. If you engage in back and forth hurtful dialogue or worse, it will only continue. You cannot reason with someone in that state. If you walk away or refuse to participate, it has a better chance of ending the hurtful episodes. Sounds to me like Ron is testing you to the limits - and that is something you certainly don't deserve. You can't "fix" him. You cannot change someone if they don't want to change or get help. You can only change yourself. Start taking care of you, Suez.

Hi Suez

I am going to go against some of the advice above and suggest that it is time Ron got his act together. I have a very low tolerance for abuse and find your situation quite disturbing.

The most extreme trauma that I can think of that causes reasonable human beings to do uncharacteristic and unspeakable things to other human beings is that of a soldier in hand to hand combat at war. Even they are held accountable for their actions as Ron should be. Assuming he is neither hallucinating nor mentally incompentent, his behaviour is unacceptable no matter what fear and stress he is under and it is not fair for you to be wearing the consequences.

With the last point in mind, is it possible that some of this particularly ugly behaviour is brought on by his painkillers? Have you considered severe depression that needs treatment, or alcohol withdrawal syndrome (I know he is still using alcohol but maybe not as much as he needs to keep his levels up)? And maybe removal of offending drugs or appropriate treatment of underlying issues may bring the old Ron back?

If not, getting out of the situation in order to save yourself, either temporarily or permanently may be an option.

If Ron were well, nobody would even question the need to remove yourself from the situation you are describing. There is no excuse for abuse, alcoholism and oral cancer included.

Now it may be that you are having a tough day and just venting in which case tomorrow will be a better day and you will come quickly to Ron's defence when you read this. No matter what choices you make, you have my support.

Karen

You are probably not going to want to hear this but enough is enough. Karen is right, Ron's behavior is abuse and you don't deserve it. You need to take care of you. YOU CAN'T CURE him. He has obviously given up and I'm sorry but why exactly did he bother having the surgery if he wasn't willing to do anything and everything to help himself? That most definitely includes no smoking or consuming alcohol. I'm sure the painkillers mixed with the alcohol are contributing to his rage but he has no right to take it out on you.

My mother died a very painful death from pancreatic cancer at home which she battled for 3 1/2 years. She NEVER once lashed out at any of us. She was never mean or cruel to anyone and you don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you.

Life is to short and YOU DESERVE BETTER! (Hugs)

Oh hell no Karen I am NOT coming to his defense but...today I was reading about Oxycodone and affects it has and yes his alchohol use is NOT helping him at all. BUT I can not tell him this. All he does is get mad at me. So once again I am going to use these postings if you all don't mind and print them out and let you all do the talking for me to show him that I am NOT picking on him or nagging. He has a problem...I want to call the Dr but everytime I do he finds out because they put it on his damn chart! He needs to be taken off this Oxy crap and he really does need to go to rehab! How do I do this? I want him away from drugs and only controlled for him by a nursing staff or dr and away from his damn beer! Yesterday I came home and he had an enevelope with paperwork on it for his nutrition intake and how much he "should" be taking daily to keep a decent weight and to help with his darn healing. Also a phone message from a nurse and his mother asking if he called the nurse, she was to come and see him, I went downstairs and he was doing a feeding and I asked him what is going on and did he see this home nurse today and what happened. He said no. He said he called her back and said "I don't know who you are but leave me alone" I don't know if this really happened cuz he kinda laughed but was serious. I just don't know what to believe with him so I went back upstairs to feed my dogs and he came up and went to bed @ 530PM. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn't going to have to bother with him but I was wrong, he woke up later bout 830pm or so came out to make a cup of coffee, got the water microwaved, stood by the cupboard and just stood there, I looked at him and said weren't you making a cup of coffee and he said oh ya like he forgot what he was doing. Maybe he was still asleep or was it the drugs and beer? I don't talk to him much anymore, because I won't when he is like this, no point, he don't know or remember what I'm talking about anyway so why bother and I've told him that. So I went to bed @ 930pm and he was downstairs watching TV. He was in and out of bed during the night cuz of course he can't sleep. But he didn't yell at me or keep me up thank God cuz I do have to work.
Thanks all for the words of wisdom. I know I deserve better and this is NOT my Ron anymore. This is "Rotton Ron" from his past.

He shouldn't be taking pain pills and drinking, that might me the problem. I was a caregiver for 18 months my late husband had Stage 4 throat cancer 12 years ago. We didn't know about Cancer Centers at the time. He was so positive, loving and caring. He never lashed out at me. I don't think I could have handle it if he did, we went through hell together.

We both knew the end was coming he left me the most beautiful letter thanking me for helping him.

Your husband should be thankful he has you to help him and YOU need your space to do things you want so you won't end up in the looney bin. Once a week I went to lunch with the girls that was my time away for a few hours, it helped me to cry on their shoulders, they didn't mind.

He should be thinking about you and your feelings. A year into my husbands illness he called my best friend in NY and asked her to fly down that I needed new clothes and I refused to go shopping for myself when he was sick. He thought about me. Your husband should be thinking about you.

All I can say is how dare him treat you this way. I hope I haven't stepped out of line, but you have taken this treated way too long. He needs to help himself before he lets anyone else help him. You're working and to come home to this I think I would runaway.

I'm sorry your're going through this time and time again, but enough is enough. And yes Life Is Too Short to be mentally abused.

Connie