Wow...Ron is totally out of control with anger. He has been so mean to me the past couple weeks. He won't do anything for me anymore, like help feed the dogs or cats says they aren't his, called me an &!#$&^% princess last Friday cuz I went to my daughters after work to get a mani/pedi for a family wedding I went to Saturday. He gets mad at me cuz I watch Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef cuz it has food and he says my life revolves around food...he yelled at the TV News one night when they did a spot about Susan G Coleman cancer walk, said he's tired of hearing about Cancer...last night he told me he was leaving me, he is going to miss me than he called me a female dog...he is taking liquid Oxycodone...AND yes the idiot is drinking beer thru his feeding tube, I told him last night to leave, I can't help him anymore, part of me wants him to leave part of me wants him there...more parts wants him gone. He stopped helping me with the stuff he used to buy, like coffee, TP, dog food/treats/cat food/litter that was what he would contribute to the house as well as pay the 3 mo water/sewer bill and the house real estate taxes monthly...all he's done was give me $10 Saturday since he had his surgery June 30th...oh and on top of getting mad at me he got mad at the dog too! Poor thing she had no idea why she was being yelled at as she was sleeping peacefully on the bed. I swear I was so close to reaching over and yanking out his trach and feeding tube! Smoking yes still going strong, guess he will only stop when he's dead and he seems to be wanting to go in that direction. Maybe he shouldn't have had this surgery...told me I'd be better off if he leaves, and I believe I will too.

why is there a smiley face by my name? i wanted a crying face

You are allowed to cry, but your face is far too important to Ron that it be smiling. Force a smile everyday. Focus on your blessings - I know there are many, just hard to see right now. I acknowledge that it is just as hard if not harder for the CG because you have to hold everything together....but only in front of Ron. Go off with friends, cry on someone else's shoulder. He needs you to smile. Reach out to your friends to help you get through this.

Caregivers have such a difficult and often thankless job. Ron has no idea how hard it would have been to get thru this without you there helping him every step of the way. Nobody should be treated with such a lack of appreciation! Ron sounds like he cant cope with his illness and takes it out on anyone and everything in his path. That is so unfair to you and all the little pets too. Ive never liked bullies and that is how he has behaved. I can only hope that one day he realizes everything you have done for him and will show you some appreciation and thanks. Ron needs to come to terms with his illness and understand that his attitude is hurting those who love him. His smoking and drinking is detrimental to his recovery. I have a very hard time understanding how anyone who has gone thru treatment for OC could even consider picking up another cigarette. That is like begging for a recurrence.

I was looking at some events my local hospital offers. They have several groups for caregivers. That could be a good place for you to find some face to face help. Take care of yourself and know that you have done a good job and you dont need Ron to say it, you know you did the best you could. Im sure you would benefit from going to a caregivers support group. Be strong! You know its not you he is angry at. Its the cancer and Ron just has his anger misplaced.

Sue,
I am a caregiver as well and we are often emotionally drained. I am currently in counseling to get the support that I need. She said something today that rings very true. If my husband gets cranky or upset he sometimes snaps a bit. My counselor said that I should remember: sometimes destructive behavior is rooted in fear. If your husband takes things out on you perhaps it is his fear coming out in ways that are not fair but might mean that he is really afraid. I asked my counselor how I should react if my husband says something that feels hurtful. Again she came up with good advice: if he says something that is inappropriate or hurtful then you need to calmly say that what he just said hurt me and so I need some space.
Try not to engage in some of the fighting and walk away. As Christine said, you know that you are doing everything that you can. When this has all passed then you can make whatever decisions you need to. In the meantime, try to untangle and disengage when he gets rough, you DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!!!!!

Suez - Such good advice above. You need to find some face to face help for yourself. In addition to the illness making him so angry and hurtful, the alcohol alone can turn a person into a monster as well. If you engage in back and forth hurtful dialogue or worse, it will only continue. You cannot reason with someone in that state. If you walk away or refuse to participate, it has a better chance of ending the hurtful episodes. Sounds to me like Ron is testing you to the limits - and that is something you certainly don't deserve. You can't "fix" him. You cannot change someone if they don't want to change or get help. You can only change yourself. Start taking care of you, Suez.

Hi Suez

I am going to go against some of the advice above and suggest that it is time Ron got his act together. I have a very low tolerance for abuse and find your situation quite disturbing.

The most extreme trauma that I can think of that causes reasonable human beings to do uncharacteristic and unspeakable things to other human beings is that of a soldier in hand to hand combat at war. Even they are held accountable for their actions as Ron should be. Assuming he is neither hallucinating nor mentally incompentent, his behaviour is unacceptable no matter what fear and stress he is under and it is not fair for you to be wearing the consequences.

With the last point in mind, is it possible that some of this particularly ugly behaviour is brought on by his painkillers? Have you considered severe depression that needs treatment, or alcohol withdrawal syndrome (I know he is still using alcohol but maybe not as much as he needs to keep his levels up)? And maybe removal of offending drugs or appropriate treatment of underlying issues may bring the old Ron back?

If not, getting out of the situation in order to save yourself, either temporarily or permanently may be an option.

If Ron were well, nobody would even question the need to remove yourself from the situation you are describing. There is no excuse for abuse, alcoholism and oral cancer included.

Now it may be that you are having a tough day and just venting in which case tomorrow will be a better day and you will come quickly to Ron's defence when you read this. No matter what choices you make, you have my support.

Karen

You are probably not going to want to hear this but enough is enough. Karen is right, Ron's behavior is abuse and you don't deserve it. You need to take care of you. YOU CAN'T CURE him. He has obviously given up and I'm sorry but why exactly did he bother having the surgery if he wasn't willing to do anything and everything to help himself? That most definitely includes no smoking or consuming alcohol. I'm sure the painkillers mixed with the alcohol are contributing to his rage but he has no right to take it out on you.

My mother died a very painful death from pancreatic cancer at home which she battled for 3 1/2 years. She NEVER once lashed out at any of us. She was never mean or cruel to anyone and you don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you.

Life is to short and YOU DESERVE BETTER! (Hugs)

Oh hell no Karen I am NOT coming to his defense but...today I was reading about Oxycodone and affects it has and yes his alchohol use is NOT helping him at all. BUT I can not tell him this. All he does is get mad at me. So once again I am going to use these postings if you all don't mind and print them out and let you all do the talking for me to show him that I am NOT picking on him or nagging. He has a problem...I want to call the Dr but everytime I do he finds out because they put it on his damn chart! He needs to be taken off this Oxy crap and he really does need to go to rehab! How do I do this? I want him away from drugs and only controlled for him by a nursing staff or dr and away from his damn beer! Yesterday I came home and he had an enevelope with paperwork on it for his nutrition intake and how much he "should" be taking daily to keep a decent weight and to help with his darn healing. Also a phone message from a nurse and his mother asking if he called the nurse, she was to come and see him, I went downstairs and he was doing a feeding and I asked him what is going on and did he see this home nurse today and what happened. He said no. He said he called her back and said "I don't know who you are but leave me alone" I don't know if this really happened cuz he kinda laughed but was serious. I just don't know what to believe with him so I went back upstairs to feed my dogs and he came up and went to bed @ 530PM. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn't going to have to bother with him but I was wrong, he woke up later bout 830pm or so came out to make a cup of coffee, got the water microwaved, stood by the cupboard and just stood there, I looked at him and said weren't you making a cup of coffee and he said oh ya like he forgot what he was doing. Maybe he was still asleep or was it the drugs and beer? I don't talk to him much anymore, because I won't when he is like this, no point, he don't know or remember what I'm talking about anyway so why bother and I've told him that. So I went to bed @ 930pm and he was downstairs watching TV. He was in and out of bed during the night cuz of course he can't sleep. But he didn't yell at me or keep me up thank God cuz I do have to work.
Thanks all for the words of wisdom. I know I deserve better and this is NOT my Ron anymore. This is "Rotton Ron" from his past.

He shouldn't be taking pain pills and drinking, that might me the problem. I was a caregiver for 18 months my late husband had Stage 4 throat cancer 12 years ago. We didn't know about Cancer Centers at the time. He was so positive, loving and caring. He never lashed out at me. I don't think I could have handle it if he did, we went through hell together.

We both knew the end was coming he left me the most beautiful letter thanking me for helping him.

Your husband should be thankful he has you to help him and YOU need your space to do things you want so you won't end up in the looney bin. Once a week I went to lunch with the girls that was my time away for a few hours, it helped me to cry on their shoulders, they didn't mind.

He should be thinking about you and your feelings. A year into my husbands illness he called my best friend in NY and asked her to fly down that I needed new clothes and I refused to go shopping for myself when he was sick. He thought about me. Your husband should be thinking about you.

All I can say is how dare him treat you this way. I hope I haven't stepped out of line, but you have taken this treated way too long. He needs to help himself before he lets anyone else help him. You're working and to come home to this I think I would runaway.

I'm sorry your're going through this time and time again, but enough is enough. And yes Life Is Too Short to be mentally abused.

Connie

I thought of something else that might help too. If you have another space in the house where you live, sleep in another room. You need to get your rest and have a space of your own. My husband and I are not fighting but he needs to sleep by himself so that he can get in and out of bed as often as he wishes.

I love having my own little bedroom with a candle, books/magazines and peace. I have to say that I do agree that he is on a self-destructive path. It is hard to leave someone when they are sick but on the other hand, abuse is abuse. If you cannot tolerate it or fear for your safety then let him get visiting nurses or other people to take care of him and take some time away to think.

Keep us posted. We are here for you.

Ellen

I agree pretty much with everything said here... first off he's being abusive - you've done enough - perhaps a week by himself will make him realize how much he needs you. Secondly it could be the mixing of meds and beer - one has to go... You can pour out the booze before you leave - or - hide the meds until he agrees no more booze... Call it tough love - the abuse may get worse at that point but - you have the power to leave. He could very easily kill himself with that combo. Thirdly - he's on a fast track to the grave... He's probably pissed at himself, the world, and his situation. He's taking it out on you. You're not his whipping boy and understanding goes only so far. You can try to help him... But truthfully he doesn't seem to want it... He's self destructive and taking you down with him. He is the only one at this point who can help himself. i wish the situation were different for you but unfortnately it's not and by taking his crap you are just giving him more power. Don't take his crap anymore. Take the dog and leave if you can. Hugs

Oh honey I am not going anywhere, it's MY house not his. #1 also is that we are NOT married. Though together for 14 yrs but nothing on paper! #2 My house not his, I fought long and hard for the dump in my divorce and nobody elses name on the deed but MINE!
We had a good talk yesterday about death. There was a tramatic event yesterday that happened. My daughter ran over our 15 yr old darn mama kitty...we had to put her down...it was her cat too. She was mortified, I witnessed it cuz I was behind her car moving mine out of the way and saw at the last second the darn cat going under her car...I think mama kitty was deaf...she was old and kinda sick too and I kept telling everybody I think she is trying to commit suicide cuz she kept laying under our car tires! My daughter was hysterical...I kept composed, but lost it last night when I tried to go to sleep, I just kept replaying what happened in my head and trying to stop her from running her over. All the what ifs were/are still going thru my head. I went to Walmart after work to get her some more can food so I was behind Tori and she had to go to work but I came in to bring in the food IF I didn't go I would have been there before Tori got home and maybe this wouldn't have happened. She said "why me mom why me?" and I said you were her master it was to be this way I guess. She was telling Beedy she was soo sorry and if I hadn't witnessed this I wouldn't believe it but she was wrapped up in a towel and she pulled her damn paw out and put it on Tori's hand as if to say "it's OK I forgive you" OMG for Christ Sake...are you kiddng me? Yes she cried harder. It was our worst night in our life ever...and she still had to go to work as a pizza hut deliverer cuz they couldn't find nobody else. So now I am down 2 cats as well as 2 dogs. Poor mama Beedy...
But as for Ron, he cried yesterday also which I think was good for him and again I told him about his drinking beer with the meds, so he actually went and was drinking a ginger ale! But he did say, he is going to live his life the way he wants to and he said he will be happy in what he choses to do. OK...but you aren't going to be mean to me! And listen...he is having issues with remembering things...it's the meds and alchohol right? only when he's doing them both. I can't wait for them to take him off the oxy crap next week he has his 2nd Swallow Study on the 11th. Gosh I sure hope he passes. Oh and another thing, he won't go to the store any more, like Walmart to get dog food, cuz he don't like the way people look at him with his tube and his trach, when did he ever give a darn bout what other people think? He is really going a total different direction here this time.
Thanks all for listening. I'll keep you posted. OH and I told Ron to go sleep in the living room, we have 2 couches and the tv is in there, but yesterday he actually slept thru the night til 930 this morning he said. Which is great! Usually when he does too much with beer he wakes up all the time so maybe he may notice he sleeps better. Who knows.

Sorry about your cat. Stay on top of the situation and sleep by yourself if it helps. If it is your house then he will have to be with someone else if he cannot be somewhat kind to you. Where is be getting the beer? Can you stop his supply? He probably needs the oxyxodone for pain but certainly not the beer. Good luck

He's going to the store and buying it. I can't stop him. He's an alcoholic. Nobody can stop him but himself. Have you ever tried to stop and alcoholic from drinking? I want to break all the bottles and throw them in the garbage, but do you know what that would do? I can't do that. He's been this way since he was a teenager. He's actually gotten much better since we've been together so I've been told, I tamed the tiger. But with the damn oxy...it's bad. My kids have tried, his family has tried, we all have tried, he has gone to AA he has gone to jail(before me) he has gone to a home...the man has issues and I don't know what it was and I probably think it's the cancer now. He never was married, had any kids no responsibilities til he met me, never dated anybody over 6 months and we are going on 14 yrs never held a job for over a year til he met me. I've said enough. I'm going to get hold of his home nurse and see about changing his damn oxy...don't know what else they make in liquid form for pain. Hopefully something not so potent for an alchoholic.

Suez - You really need a break. I'm so sorry about Beedy and your daughter's loss. It's very common for alcoholics to not remember stuff. When I was with my ex - there were many times he could not remember what happened the day before. Whatever you decide about Ron you have to make very sure that you follow through and do what you say because otherwise, he won't believe anything you say and will keep giving you grief. For example, if you tell him he has to shape up or ship out and find himself another place to stay, you have to stick with that decision and not take him back just because he's sweet talking you. You have to be consistent like you are with children (most alcoholics are very immature in their thinking). If you tell a child "no more candy" and then later give them candy because they are having a tantrum, then that's what will happen all the time. . . candy and tantrums. You can let it be Ron's choice: Either he chooses to get with the program or he finds another place to stay. How about that? I know it's harder to say than to do . . . Goodness knows, it took me 20 years! Don't let it be 20 years for you!

Yes you do. My husband is a recovering alcoholic been sober for 31 years. It is not an easy journey and he had to work hard to kick it. He went to AA and had counseling and now he is a licensed clinical social worker and drug/alcohol counselor. He wants to give back because he was helped. It is hard enough to beat alcoholism but with cancer simultaneously, it is almost impossible to stay focused. Have you considered going to a support group to help with strategies for you to deal with all of this. The oxycodone is probably something that he needs now so it would be better to work on the beer. I really think that this is not something that you can do alone. Try to seek help, even if he does not want it, you can use the support.
This is like dealing with a child, you have to be strong and consistent, mean what you say. He will soon see how much you do for him and if he doesn't that you need to move on. No one deserves this kind of treatment and you are enabling him by staying and listening to it while you pray for "good moments." Please stay here so that we can support you.

I took away his Oxycontin pills this weekend. Yes he's taking them by disolving them in water he said he takes them opposite the Oxycodone. Don't know if it's days or hours, I think days. BUT I took them away and this weekend he was really so much better AND this morning I got his old smile back! I told him I missed that smile and doesn't he see that those pills made him mean to me? He was very angry with me Saturday, he said I "stole" from him and wouldn't talk to me and as the day went on without them he got better and Sunday he slept most of the day and didn't drink any beer and by the time our grandkids left and thier mom, we actually sat outside together and "talked" and watered the flower beds together, something we have not done in over a week or more. It's the damn Oxycontin! He can't take that after disolving it I told him he said he don't take it all only a little bit at a time, but it's timed release. So maybe now he will see I'm not BS'ing. This Thursday he goes for his 2nd swallow study, he is so hungry and angry because he can't eat, he does cheat and swallow some liquids and it freaks me out. I made stuffed cabbage yesterday and this morning there was a bowl on the sink that was not there when I woke up and got my coffee and he was standing there and I asked what it was "that" was when he gave me that smile that he had gotten some of the liquid from the cabbage because he couldn't take it anymore. I told him I'm happy you want to eat but you need to be careful. I hope he passes Thursday. His pain is mostly he says caused from his trach and tube in his throat and a little bit in his mouth where they stitched his flap up again. I think he's doing quite well without the oxy. I hope he sees this. I threatened he was going to be put in rehab. Maybe it worked?

You have travelled a very rough road. I have no useful advice whatsoever to add to the main issues you're having with Ron. The only thing that might be of use is my advice about the swallow test. You hint that you might be suspicious that Ron is eating or drinking by mouth and may be keeping it from you. If that is the case then it's really important that he is honest about that when he has his swallow test because it can have a huge impact on how the test is interpretted. If, for instance, he's been "sneaking" a good amount of food and fluid on a daily basis and has NOT gotten pneumonia as a result then the SLP might be more confident in his ability to eat safely even if his swallow x-ray doesn't look perfect. If though, he had nothing to eat or drink at all since his last test and the swallow doesn't look so good, the SLP might be very conservative about him moving forward with eating for fear of risk of aspiration pneumonia. So, bottom line now is that if he has had food and fluid and NOT gotten sick then that could be a good sign! Make sure he understands this and is honest about it - it's more important that the SLP has ALL the information to base her judgement of his ability to eat than worry about not being totally honest about eating!
Good luck!

Wow what a totally different person he has become since I "stole" his pills from him. Sunday and Monday was actually able to sit and talk to him like we used to do! His mom came over and we all sat outside and had a conversation, even my oldest daughter said when he answered the phone the other day she thought it was her brother because he was very much clearer and understandable when he spoke! Even she noticed! So happy! And Jennifer, I will let him know to let them know he has swallowed some things, like last night I got out of bed and like a deer in headlights he was making a can of cream of potatoe soup. I just gave him a bigger bowl and told him to be careful, there was chunks of potatoes in there he forgot there was, but he still got some down but the dog got the most of the can. I can't wait til he goes Thurs I told him yesterday only 3 more days Ron, hang in there! But one thing I am doing that's pretty sneaky...he kept the glass bottles from Starbucks Iced Fraps he was on a kick til I just started making them at home, but Saturday I got the idea from my daughter's girlfriend who is an STNA and she lives with us, to put his Isosource in the coffee!!! I did and he never noticed!!! So...I know he is at least getting 1 can of that when I'm around! It makes 2 of those bottles. tee hee hee. And he even thanked me for making it! Funny story when I made it for him yesterday when his mom was there, he came in with me, than went back out, I ran downstairs to get a can out of basement fridge, he came back in!!! Oh crap...I stuck it down my pants!! Ummm sure didn't look right that's for darn sure so I got to the counter in front of the microwave like waiting for the water to boil while he was getting water for the dog dish outside. Whew that was a close one! Almost busted!! Thanks all!

God love you Suez. Hang in there.

wow.... you are amazing Suez. Ron sure is lucky. My husband tries to be a good CG but he is .... well.... let's just say I am the primary caregiver in our relationship. lol. I have always taken care of him. He is trying though.

I could have swore I put a posting here the other day...hmmm I don't see it anywhere...

Suez, you can go under your name and look up every post you have made in chronological order. I get lists of deleted posts, (even if an admin takes one off by accident) and nothing of yours was on this weeks list. Not that you are ever a candidate for that sort of thing.