I am not strong. I am weak. I am not a patient. I am a carer who is married to a patient. I love him dearly. I got punished for caring for him by losing a job I loved. They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe so. But he, like all patients, did not deserve oral cancer or any other type of cancer. I did not deserve to be treated as I was at my place of employment. I am a bit angry with the universe at the moment. Sorry for sounding so negative. I don't mean to. My husband is not a positive person, and when he is down, his energy takes over me. Not his fault, I let it...I think. I don't know if I could go through treatment as all patients have. That is why I am not strong. If I could take the cancer away from all of you, believe me, I would. You are all inspirational, but I struggle to pick up your inspiration. You are all my heros......

IMO Caregivers are stronger than us patients so don't sell yourself short. My wife always tells me that same thing that she couldn't go thru what I did and believe me, knowing her as I do, she would easily meet the challenge if she had to but I don't think I could be as good a Caregiver as she was to me. My wife saved my life and I'm sure Rod would have been lost without you so take pride in helping your husband in his time in need. Also keep in mind that the first year post Tx is always tough on everyone, both mentally and physically.

Jeanna - I'm sorry your angry - and it's hard to b around someone whose negative.... It can really suck the life ou of you... You have to train yourself to not let it affect you brightness can be just as contagious as the grumpies so share some joy with him it may change his outlook. Cook a favorite meal drag him for a walk do something you like together! He's 2 years out cause for celebration... And tell your company to stick it! Seriously you don't ave a labour board you can complain to?

Hi, Jeanna
let's see, it's summer, sunny and bright in the States, and in Melbourne it's chilly and cloudy. That can't be helping your state of mind any. But spring will be coming. I get stretches of days that are very hard to bare. I have found that meditation help me to calm my mind and not see life thought such a dark lense.
Maybe you could try a little experiment. Make a list of all you have done to help your husband - including the courage to care for him to the detriment of your job. I'm betting its a pretty long list. Now, ask yourself, which of those things were done by a strong person, and which by a weak person. When you find that a strong person did most (if not all) of them, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are strong. I think you are!

Jeanna, never sell yourself short. Caregivers are angels!!!! tey have an enormous amount of stress on them. They tend to patients who are in foul moods and forget to give them thanks. Many caregivers need anxiety meds themselves. How could a caregiver take care of everyone and have the weight of the world on their shoulders, all the while doing it with a smile on their face. They shield their patient and speak up for them when they need to. Caregivers are wonderful unselfish people. Be proud of who you are and dont ever think of yourself as weak!!!!

Thank you all....the cold weather does have a big effect, I'm a shocker for soaking up other peoples bad/negative energy - I've always been like that. Thats why I started the LOL club on FB...don't get too many laughs at home. As I said to WendyG, I sometimes wish I had a magic wand I could wave, to lift Rods spirits. When I say I'm weak, by that I mean that so often I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I think why me? which is really selfish...I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and there are people way worse off than me, or Rod for that matter. I've just wanted to vent because it's like Groundhog Day here and I sometimes get tired of it too. Thank you all for listening, I love you all...xxx

Jeanna - Believe it! You are already a hero yourself! You have given of yourself unselfishly in a way that many are not strong enough, or can love enough, to do. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Often the reason is not known to us for a while, but when it does become known, usually we are able to see that the change that occurred in our lives was a good one. Trying to care for someone you love while at the same time trying to hold down a job with the stress of being torn in two different directions has got to be indescribably difficult. When my son was diagnosed with SCC I had just recently retired and I just don't know how I would have survived myself if I had had to manage a job in addition to being a CG. All those that do are my special heros! And about the job - it's ok to be angry at losing the job, at not being treated well - but it could just mean that there is a better job or something better for you to do just around the corner. Any time, a change occurs - even if it's a good change - there is usually stress but it doesn't have to last. Eckhardt Tolle says "What you resist, persists" and he also said "Accept with joy and enthusiasm". Now, I don't know about the "joy and enthusiasm" part, but I do know that if you can accept that something happened, it is easier to de-stress and think of what you can do about it. Accepting a situation doesn't mean you have to agree with it, it just means you know it's there, and then you can decide what to do about it. First of all, though, you need to think about YOU! And of what you need to make yourself feel better. (Christine is right about CG's sometimes needing anxiety meds, so think about that.) As a caregiver you need to have compassion for yourself, and if it involves having a good cry, so be it. You will feel better afterwards. Try to think of something you like to do just for you. Maybe lunch with a friend, eating chocolate (my personal favorite), or seeing a funny movie, etc. Maybe you and Rod could see a funny movie together? You really deserve a break, Jeanna to renew and replenish your own emotional store. If you cannot give to yourself, you will not be able to give to anyone else. So, do take care of You, and let us know how both you and Rod are doing.

Thanks Anne-Marie.

I see a psycologist & an psychiratrist, am on anti depressants, and anti anxiety. I have hardly eaten proper healthy nutritonal food since he has had his peg in and no teeth - only because he can smell the food cooking. I quite often say to him, lets watch a dvd or something funny, but he sleeps through most of the movie. The defence for court [re the job]had to have been in yesterday, I spoke with the solicitor today, they are going to trace it all up. Hard yakka keeping on top of everything. I believe I have an angel - or angels watching over me, because since I first posted this topic, Rod is completely different today, loving, polite, willing, and more high spirited. I can understand that when he is not high spirited, he is low, but my problem is allowing myself to be dragged down with him...my nature I guess. I am my mothers daughter, that's for sure. I have just spoken to Rod about time lines, and the closer he gets to 5 years, there is less chance for a recurrance. I told him that Christine B has had it 3 times in 3 years, but she is always inspitational and thinks of everyone else first, like you have just done, and all my OCF friends. I need to start supporting newcomers to this site more...that I feel is my job now. Rod just has to learn that there are others worse off than him, unfortunately, he hates speaking about it. That denial on it's own does my head in. Well, will keep asking all my angels to be there with & for me, and Rod, and all cancer survivors and patients. Love you, and everyone else on this site. xxxx PS - since being sacked for absenteeism, I am up for the fight, I was bullied, intimidated, harrased, victimised, you name it, and not a day goes by that I don't think about my old job, because I loved it so much. Some things I can't move on from at the moment, but I know I will someday. Eight months on from losing my job, and I still cry about it, have dreams & nightmares. Rod blamed himself for my demise, and for all that went on, thats why I'm fighting it. Hope other businesses learn from it, may I win or lose. Starting to rave now, but it's been really good to vent.......Jeanna <3<3<3

Jeanna - it's good to hear that sometimes Rod is "loving, polite, willing and more high spirited" so just hang on to thoughts of those times. And try to accept the other Rod that is sometimes very "down" because you know there is hiding in there, the more loving Rod and he will be back. At one point in my son's recovery, I asked him how come he was so happy and high spirited and positive when his friends or his little daughter were around and so depressed and down, sleeping all the time, or just not happy when it was just me that was with him. He told me that it took all his energy to be up and positive when his friends or his daughter were there and when they left he just didn't have any more energy and had to recoup. We all heal in different ways and with our own time line. My son hated to hear his friends say "it could be worse" when he was already at what he felt was the worse so I was careful and told others to avoid that expression. Rod should definitely not blame himself for your "demise" from the job. You made choices and decisions based on what you felt were the best and most loving ones for both of you. Things will get better. Hang in there.

Anne-Marie...you get me...thanks...xxxx