Bob and I are getting anxious surgery is in 8 days. It seems so close and yet so far away. Bob has been real tired lately. He says he wants to do things but all he can seem to do is sleep. We are going to the mountians for a short stay this weekend. One more time away before it all begins. Thanks for listening,it is nice to know you all are there.

at least you know how long to wait, when they diagnosed me it was dec 12th and with christmas holidays, surgery schedule etc i was scheduled for jan 12 BUT if a slot opened up earlier i would be called at little or no notice.

I thought this was a place to help make a persons journey threw this ---- a little eaiser. I did not mean to make it bring up bad thoughts of the past. SORRY

Deb - You are right, this is a place to help make the journey a little easier. No need to be sorry about anything you need to bring up or ask about. Sharing the painful memories with each other helps to make them a little easier for all of us to bear - especially when someone else has been through a similar experience and can empathize. Waiting is one of the hardest things to do, whether it's a few days or much longer. Hope the weekend in the mountains for you and Bob will be a nice relaxing time for you.

Hi Deb

Alex and I found waiting and not knowing was the worst. We waited for a lot of things to begin -chemo, chest tubes (Alex suffered 3 lung collapses during chemo), lung operations, chemoradiation. Each time the fear of what was going to happen was worse than the actual procedure.

On each occasion Alex started getting cranky about a week before culminating the day of the procedure where he was even rude to the nurses and abusive towards me. Alex is such a gentle soul and this was completely out of character. The day of the procedure was also the time Alex had our first, second, third and (hopefully) last public arguments. Of course my own demeanour was not up to par either and I overreacted to everything with threats and abuse of my own.

Each time, the day after procedures, my old Alex was back with smiles, jokes and kind words for everyone - though some of it opiate driven which was quite funny for those of us witnessing it. I loved him again, until the next time ...

Whilst Mr and Mrs Hyde made their appearance every time we faced a new unknown, we both learned that our behaviour was a reaction to fear and not to take it too personally. Discussing the fear and recognising the abnormal behaviour helped us to avoid the worst of the Mr and Mrs Hyde stuff although a little late into treatment unfortunately. Hopefully you will be forwarned and forarmed.

Karen
PS I am sure if you read Ross's post and add "look on the bright side..." at the beginning it will better reflect his intention (well that's how I read it anyway). I am sure you dragged nothing up that he couldn't handle. Correct me if I'm wrong Ross

Deb,

this is a place to talk and share and help cope with the madness that is this journey. Waiting is hard...it seemed like it was always "hurry up...and wait" during treatment. I was glad when we were in a rush, my mind didn't have time to think about anything, it was the quiet time that was the worst.

My wife and I used the time waiting to cling to each other...hold on to each other as we really only had each other. I think that those were the most honest moments in my life.

Thank you all for your posts.

This past weekend was a rough one on both Bob and myself. Like you said Eric when the rush was on it was the most easiest time, we had things that had to be done. Now that things are down to a wait man is it hard. I want more of a bond time and he seems to want more of an alone time.

Karen, I can most relate to you, Bob is my rock we talk about every thing and untill a week ago we did. Then the date for surgery was set, now my co-workers have more to say to me then Bob does. He says he is not mad at me, he just hurts and is tired.I can understand but it is still hard. We don't fight but we don't talk like we used to a week ago. He says that it will change after surgery but he just does not understand he won't be talking for awhile after surgery. I am trying not to let Mrs Hyde come out but she is on the verge.

Anne-Marie I hurt for you so very much. I have two sons I can't and don't even want to imagine going through this and the patient be my son. You are so strong words can't even begin to say.

Again thank you for your words they do help and go straight to my heart.

Deb

Deb - Just the effort that Bob is making to tell you that he just hurts and is tired and not mad at you, and that it will change after surgery, really seems to me that he wants you to know he cares so much for you and for what you are going through with him. Even if he won't be talking after surgery, he can still communicate to you his deep feelings. Sometimes just a look, a touch or a word between the two of you can convey more than a lengthy conversation. It's good you have co-workers to talk with. And anytime Mrs. Hyde is on the verge of coming out, just let her out here with us. We will take care of her. When my son was going through the most difficult days, any strength I could muster up was due in large part to the support and compassion I received from everyone here on this forum.

Hi Deb

don't forget that men retreat to their caves when trying to cope whilst women want to talk. Just keep telling yourself that it is just his way of coping and try not to take it too personally (easier said than done, I know - I failed miserably at times).

Don't know if this is peculiar to Alex and I but the other thing that brought out Mr Hyde was cuddling. Suddenly, I was brushed off. I discovered rather belatedly, that Alex thought that he was the cuddler and I was the cuddlee. I never knew that cuddling invoked the need to protect in him, so when he was sick and barely able to look out for himself, cuddling (protecting me) became too much of a burden. Consequently, my attempt to reassure him with cuddles was misinterpreted. This inadvertently highlighted to Alex that he was unable to do his job which in turn created resentment towards me and out came Mr Hyde with a hurtful and critical comment. This was all done by ESP so I had no idea of what was going on and thought I had done something wrong (one of those really annoying "girl" things we do). When I finally twigged, I was able to stop taking it personally and changed my style to quick touches and pats.

I was lucky to have a couple of people at work who would listen to me and then Gabe (my primary listener at work) put me onto this website and I have been ranting ever since.

You might be pleased to know that even though Alex is still very underweight, and quite sick, his demeanour is back to normal (as are our cuddles) and Mr Hyde only makes an appearance when I am driving. If he keeps going, Mrs Hyde is going to drop him off on the side of the road one day...

Karen,

Your post put a smile to my face. Lol. It's not just men because I didn't want cuddles sometimes either whilst I was in treatmet. For some reason I found any kind of intimacy too much work. If course if my husband didn't try to cuddle then I would feel abandoned but if he did then I found it annoying. Hehehe.

Minh