Hello all. I hope everyone is having a great day. I have had something in my mind here and there and thought I would share.
I must say that sometimes I get so mad that this disease has come into my life and has completely changed it. Yes sometimes it seems it has been for the better. To enjoy my family, friends and life in general. To not take things for granted. To look past the small things that bother me.
It has also scared me. It put fear into my life that I never had to face before. From the moment I saw my sister in ICU it began. Fear of every pain being something. Fear of actually facing the fact that at some point I am going to pass on. Everyone I know is going to.
I hope that in time this will all pass. I am just so mad that this disease has done this to my family and I. Sorry to vent but I had to let this out and hope I'm not the only one thinking this sometimes.

Susan, I completely understand what you are saying. It just gets exhausting trying to keep the anxiety in check sometimes.
And don't apologize for venting. If not here---where???

Thanks Susan!! I am so thankful for you being there since practically day 1. You have played a strong part in keeping me sane. For that I am forever grateful!!!

Oh it's so hard to keep from being furious that life as before is over and it doesn't seem in my case that it will ever get better. I am used to healing very fast. I broke my shoulder in a bunch of places and had metal and nine screws put in, but I healed up. I don't seem to be healing from cancer surgery and radiation. I have mouth pain all day every day and I'm just sick of it. I had to have another biopsy a couple weeks ago so that put another big hole in my tongue to start over healing. I am so sick of watching other people gobble food and enjoy it so much. I don't even want to go in a restaurant any more, and of course that's where everyone wants to meet. I hear the audience gasp when Michael Douglas says he has stage IV cancer and I am reminded again what a bad position I'm in. I'm on Zoloft but I am still really depressed with this way of "living" -- seems just to never improve.

I hear ya Bloop. I will never understand why some people are diagnosed with this disease and yet I see a 90y/o still smoking for so many years and nadda health issues. I just want to yell out sometimes " I don't want to live this new normal!!! Put it back the way it was!" All of us no matter what we have done in our past do not deserve to battle this disease.
Sigh.... But we have to. Atleast we are here living life and able to complain about it.

What if we got to choose who got cancer instead of us? Assuming the rule would be that it would have to be some one you know not just anyone. I have people in my life who have been very cruel
in fact both of my sisters. One has threatened to kill herself if I did not send money. The other threatened to sue me for
the skeltons in the closet the day after my surgery. My friends think I am looney for even speaking to either of them but that is my choice. Still given the option I would not give this to either of them. I am not sure I could ask anyone to suffer as I did and I got off easy compared to many of you.
As to dying no one gets out alive so there must be a reason. If everyone from the begining was still here it would be really really crowded. Both Michael Jackson and Howard Hughes had the money and tried to prevent their deaths. Finally, when I think about what I will miss in the future, after I die, it is probably a lot less than what I missed before I was born.
Not meant to make light of your concerns just my thoughts on the subject.