Anyone have there significant other avoiding the emotions and mental strains associated with going through a oral cancer situation? Meaning they don't really give you the support just in terms of being sensitive to and also listening and being concerned because of there own possible fear with it? I'm not sure if I'm making sense it's the best way I can say it I guess.

I feel like my spouse leaves me in the cold when it comes to talking about what I have been through. I'm thinking it's because they can't handle thinking about it but I wanted to weigh the reaction to others who might have experienced a similar response.

Well...with me I am the caregiver and I have a hell of a time getting Carol to talk to me about the emotions she has. Besides being physically drained, she is mentally out of it....At times she lets me know how she feels, but other times she's quiet. I read her body language, her expressions, what she does on a daily basis. I'm always asking her how she's feeling, etc., and I know when to quit...when she's ready to talk, she will. Even when I keep her informed about her appointments, her care, what needs to be done, sometimes she doesn't want to hear it, but knows it'll be taken care of. We've known each other 29 years and on occasion have verbally said what the other person is thinking. Does that make any sense? It's actually scary.

I'm sorry I can't answer your question as in this household it's reversed, but I do know what you're saying. Maybe there are other posters that can answer your questions more eloquently.

Linda

Yea i find myself being very disappointed.

This is a very rough disease. Emotionally, physically, financially....it tends to test the very soul, patient and caregiver alike.

Well if it has tested her then she keeps it to herself it's hard to tell really anymore..

So today I'm going to see about a small bump on the inside of my near my incision. Needless to say wife seems to have just left me in the cold on any of this from what I gather is her own fears. So I get very little of anything to help. I mean just some kind words even. zilch. Makes as worse as potentially having cancer and or getting it again.

I'm just rambling.

E-dog,

Does your treatment center have a counselor or therapist that you and/or your wife can talk to? You might not be able to get your wife to go, but it could be helpful to you. I went through treatment with my Mom as caregiver, so the dynamic was totally different, but I do know from talking to other patients, that major illness can be a huge source of problems in any relationship.

- Margaret

Yea I might just do that thinks for reminding me.

Dear Eric,

I'm so sorry your wife is not "responding" to you. I think it's a good idea for you to talk to someone else since she's not there for you at the moment. Hopefully she'll come back around.

I don't know if this will help, but my husband has been cancer free for 5 year's now. The first couple year's out it seemed like any bump, lump or whatever would absolutely freak him out (which is totally understandable). Seeing him so scared/freaked out would make me try to be the calming influence over him. I would talk to him soothlingly and try to reassure him that a bump/lump showing up overnight would not likely be cancer. I tried to be the "voice of reason" if you will. It did seem to help.

Another thought...maybe she's tired of talking about cancer all the time. For a caregiver it's very emotionally draining and maybe she just needs a little break to regenerate herself. I wish you both all the best.

Shelley

She can't be drained if she hasn't even showed up yet.

Eric,
My stepdad has kind of checked out of our situation. He is there physically, sometimes he goes to Dr appointments and he spent the night at the hospital a few times during each of her surgeries. Aside from that, I am her emotional support. I am the one that makes appointments. I makek sure she takes all of her meds and eats. I am pushing to get us to Anderson. I pushed to get us an appointment for Duke and to see a new oncologist. When I tuck my mom in at night, I think that if that were me laying in bed, I would want my husband with me. But he sits int he other room and watches tv till 3 in the morning - every night.
Sometimes I wish hed just go live somewhere else and get the hell out of my way if hes not even going to help. I dont know whats going through his head. I guess its just how he 'deals' with things..by not dealing with things.
This post was all about our situation but just wanted to let you know youre not alone

Eric,

I had a husband of 23 years who was a wonderful support through my rollercoaster journey with OC. He took time off work and did all the things that a committed Carer should. I thought that we communicated our fears to each other and that after a few difficult times, for both of us, we were travelling well.

How wrong I was! I found out, purely by chance (fate?) that he had been having an 18 month affair with a younger woman who he claimed was initially supporting him by listening to his concerns about my cancer and the stress that it was causing him! The affair developed from there.

I cannot stress enough that you should get counseling ASAP. You two need to be communicating and if it takes a third person to become involved do it. People deal with the stresses of being a Carer in different ways, just as we OC victims all respond differently to our own situations.

I know that some people are unable to cope and distance themselves, as much as possible, from the reality of this disease. Others (like my husband) seem to cope, but clearly have stresses and concerns that they don't verbalise. SEE A COUNSELOR before too much damage is done. I wish we had!

Sue

I'm sorry Eric, I didn't realize she has never been there for you since you got the cancer...what a shame.

Hugs,

Shelley

My husband was wonderful. He drove me to all of my treatments and never complained, although I know that it was very hard for him, since I had never been sick before, and the last time I had been hospitalized was when I gave birth. (The "baby" is now 31.) He has had some health issues the past few months, and now they found a mass on his pancreas. Hopefully, it will be OK.

Eric,

Fear has a way of immobilizing people. Maybe your wife is afraid for you and for herself. Some people won't talk about things because they think verbalizing will make the worst come true. Unfortunately for them, they don't realize that talking about their fears is a good thing and can release lots of tension. She may be afraid to say something that she thinks will upset you. It is hard as a caregiver to deal with the pressure of saying the wrong thing. I am assuming she is your caregiver. If she isn't, well some people just can't do that. They don't have the confidence to do what needs to be done. I know you are the one with cancer and you have been to hell and back. As a caregiver or a spouse, it is easy to fall into the trap that one's worries, concerns and fears are NOTHING compared to what the patient has been through.

Therapy helped me. I was so mired in my husband's cancer care, I lost myself. I hope that you can both work this out. Go for yourself, at least.

All the best--
Anita