Thanks Eric and Patty,

My husband is overseas, in the USA, for 10 days so I have some much needed breathing space. Even though we are living apart he has been finding an excuse to come home most days. I am really struggling to find forgiveness because I loved him deeply and trusted him completely.

For him to have deceived me for 18 months, or more, has cast doubt on every aspect of our lives together. I am still hurt and angry. I am sure that he loves me but I just don't know whether I can ever trust or truly forgive him. I know that if I allowed him back home now I would make our lives miserable and since our children (20 and 18 years old)are still with us I don't want to reconcile unless I can forgive him.

I definately need longer to make my decision, but we are going to a concert together when he gets back and for a 4 day break with another couple the weekend after. (Both events were planned and paid for before my husband's infidelity came to light) I hope that I will have some idea of 'where to from here' after that.

Sue

Dear Sue,

Everyone has given you such great advice. I just wanted to add that you need time to sort all of this through. I don't think it's good to make a rash decion when you're still hurt and angry.

One of my best freinds found out her husband was having an affair when she was pregnant with their second child. She went through Hell, but they were able to work it out (took a lot of time and counseling) and 19 year's later they are still together and happier than ever.

You've invested a lot of time/year's into your marriage. My prayers are that you decide to try to salvage it. If you try and it doesn't end up working out, you will know in your heart that you gave it your best. I am so sorry you are going through this...keep us posted.

Hugs,

Shelley

Sue, you are going thru a period that will involve the rest of your life. I cheated on my wife and that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I never lied about it to her and even tho I had reasons to find comfort elsewhere, I wish I would have just used the upper brain more than the lower not thinking one. We are friends now and can finally talk, which she always wouldn't do before. We guys and yes you ladys have done the same and lived to regrte it. I hope you 2 work it out and can be happy again, not for your kids, but for the 2 of you. I just heard too many times. " if you have to, hurry up." I would get out of bed and take a ride to cool back down and gradually fell into the cheating game. Don't give up but try to forgive him. He must love you so help him in his quest to regain your love.

Thanks Jim and Shelley,

I had a really rough day yesterday following a counseling session where we discussed my childhood. My parents seperated when I was 11 years old due to my Mother leaving my Father for another man, who she later married. This event, and alot of associated heartache, has scarred me far more than I had known until now. Although I am close to my Mother I now realise that I have never forgiven her infidelity and the choice she made to leave my Father. This is also coming into play now and is, in part at least, contributing to my anger towards my husband for his infidelity and also to my inability to make a decision to permanently seperate.

Nothing is ever straightforward! Forgiving him is a far safer and easier option for me but the anger and hurt isn't diminishing and at times is overwhelming.

The emotional side of dealing with OC has been a breeze compared to this!

Sue

[quote=Sue G]

Nothing is ever straightforward! Forgiving him is a far safer and easier option for me but the anger and hurt isn't diminishing and at times is overwhelming.

The emotional side of dealing with OC has been a breeze compared to this!

Sue [/quote]

What I would say to this, having been there...time heals. The anger and hurt that you feel right now will subside. I felt those feelings, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't work, I couldn't think...I was just crushed under the weight of emotional turmoil. I never thought I could trust my wife again...and didn't for a long time. As those wounds healed though and my wife earned my trust again, our relationship went so far beyond what it had ever been.

I tell people...My wife and I have been married for 10 years, the first three I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, in fact I'd probably face cancer again then to go through that. The last seven years however have been the best years of my life, even going through my cancer ordeal. If cancer did take me, or does, then I was OK with that because of the life I had built with that wonderful woman and our beautiful kids.

My heart goes out to you Sue, and if I can offer you anything, it would be hope that love is not lost.

Eric

Hi Sue. I'm so, so sorry that your husband was weak, cruel and insensitive. Obviously this was not just some fling since you said it went on for a long.......time. I have always told my husband "if the day comes when I am no longer enough for you, please do me the courtesy of telling me and not disrespecting me and our marriage by sneaking around with someone else." Life is about choices. Do you think he would have ever told you unless he was caught? I would personally rather be alone than lonely. Life is to short and I could never forgive the dishonesty and disrespect. If you choose to stay together you will always be questioning where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.

I know they say that 50% of married couples do forgive and stay together but I couldn't. I also think it is very cowardly to blame the cancer on his immature choices. If someone is going to cheat - they are going to cheat and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it.

You also have the right to ask about the details and get every question you have answered by him. First and foremost, take care of yourself. You did nothing to make him go outside your marriage - it was HIS choice.

Dear Sue,

It sounds like you have an excellent counselor and have found out there are a lot more deep seeded issues for you to deal with than you realized. You've got a lot on your plate.

My heart goes out to you too. I think it's so easy for people to say what they would or wouldn't do until they're in that situation. You have to do what is best for you. And in time, once the dust clears, I'm sure you will make that decision.

I have been in counseling for various life changing events in my life (a previous divorce, my Mom's death) and it helped me so much. I pray it will help you too.


Love,

Shelley

I've been thinking of you today Sue and hope you're hanging in there. (((((HUGS)))))

Hi Patty,

I'm hanging in there and(very)slowly working through all the issues that my Husband's betrayal has brought with it. I have good days and bad days and even within the bad days I find some good moments. My husband came back from the USA today and we're going to a concert tomorrow night. (Yusuf aka Cat Stevens - I was a huge fan back in my teens!) We then are going away for 4 days with friends, so that will be a huge test.

We're still a long way from reconciling but we're taking it one day at a time. At the moment there is no trust but I do have faith that he will try to rebuild it. Time will tell.

Thanks also to Shelley and Wanda for your support.

Sue