Oh, again, I forgot the link :-)

http://patient.cancerconsultants.com/CancerNews.aspx?DocumentId=39837

I have avoided this discussion like the plague but at this time when the topic is causing me so many problems i need to tell someone.

Robin is now back to health enough to drink and swallow liquids freely,so i suppose it was inevitable that he would move back to his former drinking habits eventually.Throughout his treatment,and even at the worst times he has attempted to drink a beer every day.During the middle weeks of his radiotherapy this was impossible and he went for 4 or 5 weeks without a drink.Once he started to feel a little better he experimented with all sorts of things until he eventually found something he could drink(wine and soda).Since then he progressed onto one bottle of beer in the evening and now he is back to going to the pub every day and drinking three pints of strong lager followed by a brandy chaser before bed.Its just an impossible situation.He sits in the pub barely able to keep his eyes open and i just dont understand why.He has a 100mcg fentanyl patch and is still taking 6 doses of 20mg morphine for breakthrough pain.I live in mortal fear of him killing himself with all this and when i try to talk to him about he gets so angry that i just crawl into my room and stay there. One of my most selfish fears is that if anything happened to him i would get the blame because no one would believe that one human being who has been given a second chance at life would do this to themselves by choice.On top of all that he is still smoking,and the stress of all this has resulted in me starting again after giving up 7 years ago.

No one needs to tell me that my husband is an alcoholic,i think i have known that for years but i never ever thought it was as bad as it so obviously is .I think because he works everyday, only drinks in the evenings,isnt violent,eats well ,and looks after his appearance i have deluded myself into believing he was just a heavy social drinker,but boy have my eyes been opened over the last two weeks.

Of late i havent posted anything about Robs condition because i felt it was inappropriate to discuss all his post Tx problems in a forum where every person is fighting to hold on to their lives with all their strength and doing everything they can to survive.I am ashamed.I just wonder if their is one soul out there who has any idea what he can be thinking of ,because i sure as hell don't.

Sadly Liz in the UK

Liz,
WOW..you are in a tough spot. I can't relate, as I have always been a "social drinker". I'm sure that there is someone out here that might relate and have a better suggestion...however...maybe an intervention by all those that stood by Robin during the fight. There seems to be a bit of self destruction going on here. I can't imagine fighting this fight, dragging all my loved ones along with me thru the mud, and then throwing the experience all away. It is very obvious that you really care for Robin. My friends, family, and doctors would never put up with this behavior. Is your love and caring also allowing you to be enabling. I hate to be so blunt, but I think that my wife would tell me it was either the pub, or our house...my choice. Again, I apologize for being so direct and I am certainly not qualified to give any real direction here, I just know how my caregivers would deal with me. If some swift action isn't taken here you've got to believe that he won't make it. I feel for you.
Rob J.

Liz, First of all you can not blame yourself. You can't change anyones behavior but your own. My husband is an alcoholic, and has been for 30 years.He also worked every day while he was able, was never violent, and took care of everything that needed to be done. Rich quit drinking a year ago, but he found out 3 years ago how much damage he had already done. He had alcoholic hepatitis, pheriphal neuropathy,and ascites.He has lost so much feelings in his legs he is dependant on a wheelchair. Drinking was killing him but he kept on. Anyone who hasn't dealt with an alcohoic can say say what they want, but noone has any control except the drinker. The only option is to leave but that wasn't an option for me. It is a disease just as cancer is. Marriage vows say for better or worse, sickness or health. I couldn't break them. The only difference between your husband and mine is he never drank when taking medication. A year ago he suffered compression fractures of his spine and has been on pain meds since so he hasn't been drinking. We just found out about his oral cancer,(treatment hasn't been decided on or even staged yet) He is still smoking over 2 packs a day, and became angry when told he needs to quit. Sadly I can relate to everything your going through. I don't have any solutions but if you ever need to talk to someone who understands, I'm here.
Julie Kay

Thanks to both of you.
Because of Robs love affair with alcohol i moved back to my home in Yorkshire 6 years ago.Since then we have commuted every two to three weeks for long weekends and holidays i get to be near my Mum,,children and Grandchildren and we keep our marriage alive!! I talk to Robin every night for at least an hour and we look forward to seeing each other as often as possible.When he became ill i packed up and moved back down here to help and support him through what has been a horrendous time,and i wouldnt have it any other way.I suppose a little part of me hoped that this reality check would change everything and he would realise what a fool he has been and what the last 20 years have done to him.Unfortunately this didnt happen and some of the reason for that were all his years of drinking dont seem to have done any damage to his stomach or liver and apart from the cancer he was passed completely healthy in every other respect.So now he thinks he he doesnt have a problem.As for being enabled,i think the main reason i am here is because no one else would have done it.All his family and friends know what he is like and they would never have been able to handle it. I tell it like it is and he doesnt like it much but he has no choice but to listen. Wether he actually takes any of what i say on board i dont know.I just know i cant give up on him,not after we have come so far.The staff at the Cancer Centre know his problems and they have treated him very well but he sits and listens to everything they say,and then just goes and does his own thing.Then he pulls his head in and behaves like a model patient for a while. I suppose i am a bit like a battered wife i just keep coming back for more and i dont really know why.My Mum and kids are begging me to go home but i just cant do it.I know somewhere deep down he needs me and i wont go until i know he is safe and can manage.Not really his problem is it?

Omigod Liz! I wondered why you said you were in Leeds and he in Hampshire. And now I'VE confessed to being a smoker and drinker and YOU offered to help ME!--I feel so guilty now I've read this post!
I HAVE promised myself that if there is any hope for me, I will give up the booze and fags, if there isn't then I'm doing the 'live it don't survive' as long as I can. As for the 'Robin needs me'----I know where you're coming from, but I finally gave up on my hubby and chose my kids, parents and myself--and found peace of mind--Mike destroyed himself anyway, finishing up in a hostel and dying 2 years ago--I understand 2 people were at his funeral! I do actually drink much more moderately than that, but still feel guilty because obviously I'm sure it's contributed to the cancer. If YOU need an ear Liz, PM or email me--I'm not sure how to do it yet, being a bit new to the site--but LOL---me email starts with 'cookies' and Yorkshire aint that big

Thanks for that Brenda

My journey is coming to its end now but one thing i have learnt over the last few months is the value of having somewhere to voice your darkest fears and thoughts.Thanks to people like Amy,Petey,David,Gary,Rob,Jam,Sharlee and many more ,we have weathered the worst of the storm.Now i would like to return the favour and just reiterate what i said before ."Anytime i can help "

Regards Liz

Liz,

That's what keeps this site going. We all come to site as newbies and we learn from those before us. Both the "we are helped" curve and our learning curve are very steep initially but once we acquire the knownledge and wisdom passed on it is our obligation to do the same as unfortunately more newbys find their way here every day. Without the continuing committment of the oldies this site would cease to provide the tremendous service it does.

Oh, and Brian helps keep the site going a little himself.