Sue

It's not fair. It's not right. Why Neil? Why now? Why didn't the damn treatment work? How can such suffering and pain be considered part of the palliative approach in the 21st Century?
There are no answers, just more questions.
Your description of what Neil is undergoing matches the dire dirge the ENT surgeon spelled out as the standard way this ends when it ends so badly. My hope is that Neil has a few lucid moments to share with you. My heart breaks when I think of how you feel. In my mind, each breath Neil takes now, each pain filled moment is a testament to how much he still loves you and wants to be with you - the anger is not at you - it's at himself. Nothing any of us can say will make it better, but I join you in cursing this disease.