Hi Delia:

Your story touches me particularly because I was dating Dave (first major post-divorce relationship-took me one marriage to figure out how to do it right) when he was diagnosed with tonsil cancer. Dave drove through Boston snow while vomiting in the midst of his radiation treatments to buy me an engagement ring. So, I better than anyone here understand the place of a fiance, albeit I was a tad older than you, in love with a guy who is dealing with an incredible challenge. I understand every shred of fear and anxiety you have, and possibly a teensy (let's be honest) bit of anger, that a marriage shouldn't need to start out in a post-cancer haze.

Well, mine did and yours will too. It has not been a picnic but it has solidified for me that this is the man I adore bar none and cancer became merely the defining moment of my love for him. I still remember the surgeon calling out from the OR and telling me he couldn't visualize clear margins and "would it be okay if I break David's jaw so I can see better and sleep tonight".Right, so break away,sleep tonight, and what the hell have I done and was it the right decision?

So, why am I expounding here? Because, you are an extraordinary person caring deeply for the person you love.At times, it is easy to become overwhelmed and make errors even when your intent is good. I suspect you responded strongly to Gary's admonishment because it SCARED you that you could have unknowinglg done something hurtful. But, luckily, you did not and Charlie is okay.

Rule number one for us health care providers is to check and see if the patient is breathing when and errors may have happened. So, he is, now check your own breathing.The toll of being a caregiver is enormous and the responsibility is staggering 24/7 while you are enmeshed in the process.

It might be helpful for you to print some of the posts to look at when you can or have someone else look at them with you and help sift through the info. It's hard to be really "on" when you are really tired.

My wish for you is that you stay put here with us and remember that there are many personalities on the board and sometimes approaches clash. However, the wish to be helpful usually is the root of the reactions from those who post even when they post strongly or you don't like what you hear.

Breathe and try to talk about what is really under your strong reaction. There are alot of veteran caregivers here and we want to support you.

By the way, I really liked your wedding website.

You'll smile again like in your picture- I promise.

Hang in there,

Kim