I love the Hawaiian shirt idea -- maybe you can expand on that theme and buy yourself a new Hawaiian shirt at various treatment milestones.

What you have been told here is true -- you can't live in the world of the "possible", as that world is almost always dominated by negative thoughts. Why do we not think that we might win the lottery? ;-)

I had to realize that I could only take care of the things I could control -- i.e. go to the best doctors I could find, ask the right questions, get a treatment plan that we agree on, and do exactly what the doctors tell me to do. I did all of that, and continue to do it. We only have the power 1) to do the best we can with what is in front of us at this moment and 2) control how we react to what happens around us. I could step outside my office and get hit by a bus today, so getting consumed by what "might" happen tomorrow is fruitless.

Don't get me wrong -- I still plan things and pretty much carry on the way I did before. The major difference is that I am more acutely aware of the need to enjoy today for the unique opportunities and challenges it provides. I still get anxious every time I have a follow-up visit, but overall the anxiety level goes down over time. I think it is the worst just before treatment starts, and just after you recover from the treatment.

We can drive ourselves crazy with statistics and possibilities. No question that getting this disease is a life altering event. The trick is to make it a positive change in terms of attitude and approach. I analogize it to being on the golf course -- if I focus on the score I want to get on the hole, chances are I am going to screw things up somewhere along the line. If I focus instead on making a good swing with each shot, the results tend to be better. No guarantees -- I can still make a good swing and have the ball hit a sprinklerhead and go out of bounds -- but that is just a reminder that I only control the process, not the results. In our case, the process is living.

What you are going through is entirely normal. Allow yourself to fret and grieve and be angry, but do not let those feeling dominate you. We eventually need to find a compartment to put this in, but that only happens with time.

Keep posting!!