Please don't give up on yourself. You have been through quite a lot and your emotions are confused to say the least. Please try to talk to a professional about your feelings. While everyone's intentions on this site are admirable, we lack the training and experience to truly help you. With that said this site and all the wonderful people here will do whatever we can but I think you need an expert as soon as possible.

David

Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.