I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to compose these thoughts in my head, but I think I am just too tired so if this comes across as scattered I apologize. I think you will get the jist of the question(s) though.

When I went through my first roll as caregiver I was 26/27 and it was my mom. I closed up my house and moved home to help dad. Out of all the things that are horrible about being a cancer caregiver from doctor's visit to death - the one silly thing that has stayed with me from a CG point of view is how to talk about your loved one. I think this has stayed with me because I never "mastered" it. Now that I am going through it with my husband I am struggling with that again. How do you know if the people you interact with are truly asking how are you / how is Dan or if it is just the superficial How are you that we've turned into a form of greeting? Then how do we answer it in a concise manner that truly conveys how he is doing? And then there are the peope that see him and say wow he looks great and thir assumption is well he must be fine to look that good. Or the peoople that are like - oh he's going to work each day -there's nothing wrong with him. Or the bazillion people who don't know anything about H&N cancer, but think they know about cancer and are constantly telling you that radiation is no big geal. UGH - this frustrates me. And when your loved one is having a good day and someone asks you how are they - and you're like oh we had a good day and went out to eat or shopoing or whatever and there like wow - I'm really glad he/she is improving that much. And in your head you're like it's not improving it's just the meds working great today or a good nights sleep for a change or amazing strength. I think my biggest thing is I don't feel like but a few people in our life think this is serious. I don't know why I feel like they should think that or know that, but for some reason I do. And Dan's brother I guess is in denial and so is his biological father because they keep telling me this treatment is poison and I just need to get him to drink some stupid juice made out of some berry. OK Whatever! I try to be polite and I even sent my BIL a very nice, long and detailed e-mail saying this is what is to come and the prognosis is 50/50 so shut-up about the juice - i'm going for the real deal stuff. And then on top of that - they just think if I pray harder it will all be ok. Well I'm sorry - I have a great deal of faith and I do believe in God, but I have a hard time when it comes to things like this.

So anyway - how do you respond to the phone call or the e-mail or the friend at the door bringing you dinner... I do have a CaringBridge site that I keep updated for family and friends so I don't have to answer as many of these questions. But then there are those that are "too busy" to read it and want to call you and get the scoop and sometimes you're just tired and don't feel like talking (I am a horrible call screener these days).

I have missed my mom more than words can say since we lost her in Feb. of '01. I miss all the normal stuff, hanging out, cooking together, shopping together, talking on the phone - just life. The worst things were she never got to meet Dan, she wasn't here for my wedding, she wasn't here when I lost my first baby and she wasn't here for the birth of david. Now I have to add to that selfish list - she isn't here for me to cry on her shoulder while my husband fights cancer. I'm sure she would have some advice for me... And I don't have a MIL because we lost her to Alzheimer's in '05. I do have a fabulous step-mom though (she lost her husband about the same time my dad lost mom) and they met in a grief support thing. And she loves me I know and loves David, but I want my mommy LOL!!

Ok - sorry this went so long and got a little too deep.

One other thing - do you dare tell people how you are really doing? Because then you would be dropping the I am superwoman "front"...